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Is my ex fiancé over me ?

(24 Posts)
LaJavanaise Sat 31-Oct-15 17:55:43

Hello everyone, I’m new here.

Hoping to get some support, I still want my ex back, people think I am crazy since I am currently in a crazy messed up situation, but I can’t help for wanting him back.
My daughter deserves a father and a mother under one roof.

So 2 months ago I gave birth to our daughter. My ex fiancé (proposed to me 6 months before the break up) left me for another woman 2 weeks after I gave birth.
A HORRIBLE thing to do, I KNOW.

I had to found out there was another through the grapevine. He never told me.
After finding out I went 100% NC. He could come and visit his daugher any time through my mother.

He wrote a long letter and put it in my mailbox about what went wrong and basically blaming everything on me. Tried sending me texts, I blocked him. Sent me an E-mail for my birthday about how he wanted to invite me for drinks but since I blocked him it was not possible. Not to mention trying to get in contact with me through my mother. Sending her that if I hadn’t change he would still be with me. I kept up the NC for over a month. After that month I needed to text him since courtday was approaching regarding visitations to our baby. I stayed formel and he sent me LOOONG texts about how he never cheated on me, but met that person after the break up yada yada, trying to justify himself in every way.
After court again I got a text about how he wanted to see me when he came and visit the baby so we can TALK as partens of our child …

He has a new woman, there are 100 pictures of them on FB of how happy they are. and he told me how he fell in love and things I don’t need to know.
I never asked for him back, but he keeps saying I need to accept I lost him …

I don’t know about you, but if I dump someone I don’t put that much effort in my ex.
The less I hear from them, te better.

He accepted to go for a walk with the baby in 2 days when he comes to visit her.

Is he really over me ?
And will he be back ?

ILiveAtTheBeach Sat 31-Oct-15 17:59:11

I don't think he knows what he wants? And if you take him back, your life will be more up and down than a Yo-Yo. I wouldn't risk that instability for your childs sake. And please remind yourself, he is sleeping with someone else.

category12 Sat 31-Oct-15 18:00:21

I think he's been busy justifying why he left you and blaming you, and he wants to see the baby. I am not sure where you're getting that he wants you back.

tribpot Sat 31-Oct-15 18:20:56

My daughter deserves a father and a mother under one roof.

Not with this fucked-up dynamic she doesn't.

Basically he wants you to be thinking exactly what you are thinking - was it my fault? Is there still a chance we could reconcile? - so that he can keep you dancing on a string whilst he enjoys his single life with the OW.

He's shown less than no remorse for what he did. He left you with a two week old baby. That is utterly despicable and yet you seem to want to minimise it.

You're right, no-one normal who had left a partner of his own free will would set about rubbing the ex-partner's face in it. The fact that he is just demonstrates, as per his abandonment when you had a newborn, that he is a despicable shit.

Case closed - move on. Take his words at face value and pursue an amicable co-parenting relationship. I suspect you may find when he realises he isn't getting to you any more he eases up on the requirement for contact with his dd. If he doesn't and he actually is genuine about wanting to establish a relationship with her separate from you - great.

LaJavanaise Sat 31-Oct-15 18:23:59

I am just saying, thats a lot of effort coming from someone who is happy in a new relationship. He did not want to come visit the baby unless he could see me or talk to me, and he didn't for a month.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 31-Oct-15 18:31:29

I'm sorry you have been through such a terrible time: being cheated on, your relationship breaking so close to the birth of your DC, dealing with the emotional aftermath while simultaneously caring for a new LO.... That is a lot to handle.

I'm not surprised therefore that you are obsessing over what your ex may or not be thinking.

But please realise that this obsessing is not going to do you any good. You can't know what is in another person's mind. Nor should you try. The only important thing right now is your LO, and your own peace and serenity so that you can take good care of her.

Trying to divine your ex's thoughts is not bringing you peace and serenity. Try to just let it go, and focus on what is real, what is present: your baby, yourself.

Cabrinha Sat 31-Oct-15 18:32:58

He doesn't want you back, but I have a strong suspicion he'd happily chest on the new woman if he can get sex on a plate from you.
I predict two things:
- he wants sex from of you
- he wants to keep his maintenance low by throwing you crumbs

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 31-Oct-15 18:45:46

I'm glad you are going through a legal process to have a formal arrangement for visits. Courts are wonderfully dispassionate, and this is a great thing for you, for as long as this man still has a strong emotional hold on you.

You can just stick to what the court says, without interacting with him further, until you feel stronger and have gained some more distance. Until then, interacting with him will only mess with your head. And neither you nor your daughter need that.

gobbynorthernbird Sat 31-Oct-15 18:54:42

He was over you before you split.

waitingforcalpoltowork Sat 31-Oct-15 19:31:42

IGNORE HIM IGNORE HIM IGNORE HIM!

only answer messages about the child never anything personal my ex does this i love you i miss you etc gets no reply can i change contact time gets a reply even a long email with a small bit about the kids in the middle i only reply to the part about the kids

he hates it but im happier with it

he has someone else he is the one who needs to get over it

goddessofsmallthings Sat 31-Oct-15 19:42:13

Who initiated the court proceedings and what did the court order with regard to contact?

One parent is infinitely preferable to being under the same roof with two parents who are constantly squabbling/disagreeing or who disrespect each other.

tribpot Sat 31-Oct-15 19:57:49

He did not want to come visit the baby unless he could see me or talk to me

That tells you everything you need to know. This is about him having fun manipulating you, not about the baby at all. Do you really think this is what your daughter deserves?

PatriciaHolm Sat 31-Oct-15 19:58:17

He's over you and has been for months.

However, he'd very much like it if you didn't get over him, hence the game playing. He's hedging his bets - if his new relationship should founder, he wants you there as a safety net until he can another sucker.

SparklingJade Sun 01-Nov-15 04:22:08

He wants you to do the "pick me" dance, and have fun pulling the puppet strings to make you dance. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Mermaidhair Sun 01-Nov-15 04:30:32

If he wanted to be with you he would be.

Toffeelatteplease Sun 01-Nov-15 04:39:16

He only wants what he doesn't have.

You will become valueless to him if you go back

madwomanbackintheattic Sun 01-Nov-15 05:05:02

Don't be silly, love. You are desperately looking for the silver lining, but he doesn't give a toss. Unless you are willing to be his bit on the side with the other woman as his real life partner. She's probably the one that has nagged him to do the right thing and pretend he gives a damn about the baby. He may well be having a minor twinge of guilt and trying to get you to accept the blame for the break up so he can fuck off scot free on the guilt score, but telling you how much he loves his new woman is hardly screaming 'take me back', is it?

Do yourself a favour and stop wondering. He isn't worth it.

Fratelli Sun 01-Nov-15 06:29:20

What a disgusting excuse for a "man". What a truly awful thing to put you through. I'm so sorry flowers

Your emotions will be all over the place right now but trust that you are better off without him. Your daughter deserves two loving parents who are happy. You will never be happy with him.

Go nc unless it is about your daughter. Don't engage in any conversation that is about you and him and anyone he may be involved with. He is someone else's problem now and will do the same to her. I would tell him any conversation about the two of you is inappropriate and if it continues he will be blocked again and contact will go through your mother.

You will see this is for the best flowersflowersflowers

mimishimmi Sun 01-Nov-15 07:02:26

You've done all the right things by going nc which is probably why he's trying to manipulate you into thinking there's a chance he could come back to you. Even if there was, do you really want him back? It's not about making amends, it's about keeping u hanging.

Suddenlyseymour Sun 01-Nov-15 08:28:47

And please free yoyrself from the delusion that yoyr daughter "deserves" herparents under 1 roof; why wish that horror on her? What she deserves is a mum who refuses to model a massively unhealthy relationship dynamic to her, setting her up not to repeat the same horror for herself you are living now thanks

AyeAmarok Sun 01-Nov-15 08:39:59

The last thing your daughter needs is tolive under one roof with a relationship with this dynamic being what she grows up thinking is normal.

AlwaysHope1 Sun 01-Nov-15 09:02:45

Don't be a fool and fall for his words. If you think all you are worthy of is a cheating loser who walks away from his new baby, then you need help. Don't put your daughter into this horrible situation when she doesn't deserve it.

VocationalGoat Sun 01-Nov-15 09:15:54

He's over you. sadflowers As if he was ever really there in the first place. You don't want to invest in a runaway dad, just to have a 'family'. You deserve a partner in every sense of the word. This guy is a letdown. He may end up being a loving, doting, responsible dad, but only time will tell. You can't predict this and you can't make the magic happen.
He is an obstacle on your path.
Make room for a real man with the ability to be a committed partner, role model, and loving influence on you and your daughter.
I feel for you. I went through very similar circumstances 13 years ago. I had to really learn not to care what ex thought about me or how he lived his life. I had to let go in order to live again and release myself from the pain of our break-up (other woman, I was pregnant. Felt hung out to dry and then some). I moved on OP. Remarried and got the family I so needed. Don't let the good stuff pass you by while you're hurting over this spineless man.

TooSassy Sun 01-Nov-15 09:28:46

He's over you. If he wanted you, he would never have walked away. Sorry to be brutal but I think you need to hear that.

His pride is hurting. He wanted you to come running after him. That's all this is. Games.
Block him on FB for goodness sakes. Or come off it for a while.

He may come back for a while if you let him but he's only there to get back in your pants. That's it.

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