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Friend turned foe.

(46 Posts)
ifyouregoingthroughhell Sat 31-Oct-15 12:26:34

My partner of 12 years and I are getting divorced. I have always known he was insecure and controlling, but am only just realising he was emotionally abusing me all this time with his narcisstic traits. He has now promised to make my life hell.
However, he is not my issue, believe it or not. He is not very intelligent. Manipulative, yes very, but not that clever.
However, we became "friends" with a couple.I was always uncomfortable with them, but didn't know why. They were blatantly jealous of what they perceived to be our happy relationship and large group of friends. They drew us both in and took over our lives, interfered in our relationship and encouraged us to split.
They concentrated all their efforts on me, telling me my partner was playing games, causing crisis and generally making my life hell and holding me back. (all true). They pointed things out to me about his behaviour that I had ignored for years.
When we split they ignored me, helped him 24/7 and completely turned their back on me. I was very confused.They have teamed up with my ex and feel like a formidable force.
They are now asking to meet up, as if nothing's happened. I never want to see them again, and would actually rather meet up with my ex ! I have put them off with an excuse for now, but what can I do. Ignoring them does not feel like an option. I feel this will make them more angry and vengeful. I always feel out of my depth around them.
Any advice please ?

AlwaysHope1 Sat 31-Oct-15 12:35:28

You are going through a tough time and certainly don't need any type of support from these devious people. You already know exactly what they are.
They have been able to break you down as they must have thought of you as weak. So what do you do now? Show them how strong you are by not allowing them back into your life. A simple 'Im not available right now.' And repeat should get the message across.

ifyouregoingthroughhell Sat 31-Oct-15 13:34:42

They see themselves as all conquering, and anyone else as weak. They expect everyone to bow down to their greatness. They set out to destroy anyone who crosses them. I obviously did this at some point without realising it.
I was so busy trying to spin the plates in my own relationship, I didn't see what they were doing.
By teaming up with my STBXH, they have a puppet with which to attack me ,and affect me financially. ( money is their only reason for living) He would not know how on his own, and would have settled for what he could get.
I know they are using him .He is ,and always was, in awe of them.
I know the law is the law, and they are not above that, but they are successful business people ( I now know why I have always avoided people like this ! )
I know I cannot appease them, but I am concerned they will become even more vengeful if I avoid them.
I think my only hope is that someone else crosses them pretty damn quick and diverts their attention.

Bluetrews25 Sat 31-Oct-15 16:00:29

Just sayin' they did do you one big favour, though, by showing you you needed to break up with your exDH.

Keep going smile

Joysmum Sat 31-Oct-15 17:22:06

If you rise to the game you give them what they want.

Whilst you feel like ignoring is not a great option, you'll never shut them down so letting it fizzle out is your best option I think.

Homely1 Sat 31-Oct-15 19:12:26

I'm so sorry, what awful people. Do you have children? flowers

Hissy Sat 31-Oct-15 20:00:35

Just keep putting them off, or cancelling plans. Be flakey. With a false smile

Let them drift and don't bother returning a call here and there until a few days or so later and then be vague.

They are not your friends. But they have done you a massive favour in getting shot of the ex...

I wonder if they are fishing for info for your ex? Either way, trust those instincts!!!

springydaffs Sat 31-Oct-15 20:01:33

This is easy to say, but you have to get control of your fear.

I absolutely hear you that they are frightening people but they really ARE NOT all-powerful. I don't want to get into a metaphysical argument here but they are NOT the devil incarnate. You, we, have as much 'power'.

What links do you have with them? Is there any reason for you to have any dealings with them? Yes, are there kids, what dealings will you be having with ex in future re kids. Bcs of course you have to look at keeping away from them if at all possible.

Ime of narcs it is best to be bland. Never confront them. Perfect noncommittal phrases like 'that's interesting', 'indeed', 'quite'. Smile vaguely and be bland. NEVER let them know they're getting to you.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 31-Oct-15 20:12:53

By teaming up with my STBXH, they have a puppet with which to attack me ,and affect me financially

In what way can your stbxh 'affect' you financially?

They're toxic and you're best advised to neutralise their poison by saying something on the lines of 'It would be lovely to meet up but at the moment it would too hard for me do so as it would invoke memories of the happy we times shared when I was with stbxh. I hope we can get together sometime in the not too distant future'.

This should put them on hold, so to speak, and with luck they'll turn their attention to other flies they can pick the wings off.

Homely1 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:24:14

Great advice...

I like the way you explain the fear element spring daffs

springydaffs Sat 31-Oct-15 22:24:07

Know your enemy though. Imo it is good to have a 'respect' for vicious people. You may feel contemptuous (hopefully) but don't underestimate. At the same time, don't overestimate.

For some reason, life has brought these dastardly people across your path. You are equal to it, even though you don't feel that at the moment. Never let them see what you feel or think, keep all that under wraps, but you are free to work out privately, within your own head, your way forward. Trust your instincts - we got into trouble in the first place bcs we didn't trust our instincts! - but also trust that your instincts are equal to this, step at a time. We like to have a plan all set out but ime it comes in parts as we step along.

Do you need to get legal advice? How is that going, do you have a lawyer?

ifyouregoingthroughhell Sun 01-Nov-15 09:21:08

Thanks everyone.
No children with my ex thank goodness.
I do think they are trying to get information from me yes. I am having NC with STBXH, so he is not being fed.
A house that needs to be split, as joint mortgage.
I can't really go into the financial side of things on here, but I just know they have a plan. I am trying not to dwell on it, as paranoia is not a great feeling ! I will just have to deal with that as it happens.
I have always kept away from people like this. They have to have the best car, best holiday, best everything. None of this impresses me in the slightest, ( they know this ) although my STBXH kissed their feet. I wouldn't care, but where they find the time to concentrate on ruining someone elses life is beyond me.
I will continue to post on here as the plan unfolds, and I become a bit clearer about what their real motive is.
I am expecting another attempt at communication over the next week.

DoreenLethal Sun 01-Nov-15 09:31:35

Ok - how exactly are they trying to plan a meet up?

Talk us through and we will come up with some stock comments for you.

If it is texting, just don't get back to them and block their number.

Emails, set up a rule that sends any emails from them into the JUNK folder [never to be read].

Phone calls, you are unlikely to be able to meet up in the near future as you are busy, and have got weekends jam packed for the forseeable. You will get back to them when you have a window.

Meeting in the street - say Hi, and walk on. If they stop you, be vaguer than a vague piece of vagueness and be in a rush to get to a meeting somewhere and be running late.

DoreenLethal Sun 01-Nov-15 09:32:01

If you are blase, you give them no power.

Happyminimalist Sun 01-Nov-15 09:40:29

If they were true friends to both of you, it would be possible for them to be true friends with both of you now. However they sound awful.

Stick to supportive real friends. When they attempt communication just be very unemotional and uninterested.

ifyouregoingthroughhell Sun 01-Nov-15 11:18:35

Thanks Doreen and Happy.
I cannot avoid meeting them at some point, as we go to the same places. I do , however, want to avoid the planned " chat and catch up ".I will deal with this as you suggest.

Happyminimalist Sun 01-Nov-15 11:29:32

You can always just talk small talk or change the subject if cornered. So 'that's a nice top. Is it aqua or blue?' or 'where did you run this morning? Was it a flat route?' or 'whats that you're eating? Would you recommend it?'

Happyminimalist Sun 01-Nov-15 11:30:29

You can be super polite but a closed book

RandomMess Sun 01-Nov-15 11:44:27

I would keep a fixed smile on your face and any questions you reply with "I only discuss that with my solicitor/therapist/financial advisor" and repeat.

DoreenLethal Sun 01-Nov-15 11:47:39

chat and catch up

'Oh, about what? Didn't think so'...>OP walks on<

Fannycraddock79 Sun 01-Nov-15 11:54:51

Are you brave enough to meet them and feed them incorrect information?

RandomMess Sun 01-Nov-15 11:57:53

Fanny what an excellent idea grin

Fannycraddock79 Sun 01-Nov-15 12:01:59

Messing with the messee grin

But seriously take back control, plan what to tell them that would just waste their time (and his). Eg "oh good job I didn't tell him I have 5 offshore accounts stuffed full of moolah, he'll never get it", cue them and him running around trying to find out where...

Happyminimalist Sun 01-Nov-15 12:50:23

I would do nothing to discredit myself - although I would be tempted to lie and wind them up.

Hissy Sun 01-Nov-15 13:13:15

If you are contacted, but yourself time by not replying immediately, let calls go to voicemail. Plan your response (if any). Come on here and ask for help/support of you need it and we'll flood you with responses, funny and serious grin

Talk all this through so your response is under your control. Take ball the power by deciding what and if you reply. This alone will slow things down and get you the space and perspective you need.

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