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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

why does DH not realise I'm not going to want sex if he behaves like an arse

40 replies

AshleyWilkes · 31/10/2015 11:43

DH and I have been married for 9 years, love each other v much. 75% of the time had a good sex life, loving and passionate.

The rest of the time its difficult, mainly because I suffer with depression and that affects my libido, also because he can be a complete arse at times, eg.losing his temper, calls me names when we argue.
He can be so kind and caring, and I can't say he's a bad husband because he's not, he works 45 hours a week in a physically demanding job to support us. Tells me he loves me every day and listens when I need to cry/rant.
Its his TEMPER that is the problem (he had an abusive childhood but that's another issue).

He complains a fair bit about petty stuff (dishes still in the sink, no milk in the fridge) and has got a bit of a short fuse. He'll shout and swear at me if I speak rudely to him eg.tell him to shut up. Promises me he'll work on it but then just does it again.
The names he calls me are like "bitch" "moron" "twat." I feel really bad and angry when this happens. He always apologises afterwards.

Pressures me for sex (a lot lately) and then if it doesn't happen he sulks. Eg. "I thought we were going to make love tonight" with a sulky tone. Or the old classic; "I don't think you fancy me anymore..." Sulky tone.
Huge turn off in my opinion!

Maybe I need to just get over the fact that he can be an arse and focus on the lovely man he can be most of the time?

OP posts:

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GinGinGin · 31/10/2015 11:52

I'm sorry, but name calling like that is not on. I don't know much about it, but it sounds to me a little like he's abusing you emotionally. I'm sure someone who knows more about this will be along shortly. Oh and passive aggressive pressuring you for sex is not on either, at all

AshleyWilkes · 31/10/2015 12:13

I hate it, he says it in such a whiny tone/facial expression. Doesn't he realise that its a massive turn off? Especially when he's lost his temper with me beforehand and been a dick to me.

OP posts:

AlwaysHope1 · 31/10/2015 12:30

That name calling would not want to make me be with someone like that. My dh in all these years has not even said a shut up to me, why would you accept that.
Wrt the sex issue, think because he sees that type of behaviour as not a big deal he doesn't get how it affects you.

pocketsaviour · 31/10/2015 13:04

Are you saying that you tell him to shut up? Or the other way around?

Isetan · 31/10/2015 13:09

Doesn't he realise that its a massive turn off? Especially when he's lost his temper with me beforehand and been a dick to me.

If you've told him, then he knows. His continued manipulation demonstrates he just doesn't give a shit about your feelings at that time and him 'getting off', takes precedent over how your feeling. I'm guessing the 75% of the time where you're up for it and it's loving and respectful, is just coincidental.

Being called names and the expectation that you should be his on call wank vessel, is a very high price for your self esteem to keep paying and does your depression no favours.

SkyFoCrumbo · 31/10/2015 13:11

If a man called me a 'bitch' or 'moron', I would never have sex with him again, to be honest.

jelliebelly · 31/10/2015 13:15

This may sound harsh but you will never change him so stop making excuses - 75% of the time being a pleasant person and 25% being in arse is not normal!!

AshleyWilkes · 31/10/2015 13:17

I tell him to shut up sometimes when he's being negative or complaining. Yes I know its rude, but seriously he moans so much sometimes. Whenever I do it's like a trigger to his temper and he raises his voice and yells "you fucking shut up" name calling etc....

OP posts:

AshleyWilkes · 31/10/2015 13:18

jelliebelly
Not making excuses. Just laying it all out there, how I feel, how he acts.

OP posts:

TheBunnyOfDoom · 31/10/2015 13:26

Are you sure the depression isn't as a result of his arsey behaviour? I'd be pretty miserable if my "D"H shouted at me and called me names too.

His abusive childhood isn't an excuse. If it still affects him, then he can get counselling for that. He doesn't get to call you names and be nasty to you 25% of the time. That's a lot of the time, equivalent to nearly two days a week of horrible behaviour. Is he really worth it?

Rebecca2014 · 31/10/2015 13:30

Your husband is verbally abusive.

TendonQueen · 31/10/2015 13:34

What does he listen to you cry/rant about? That seems odd because he clearly doesn't entertain any rants about him, and he also seems to like a rant himself. If you tell him that he's welcome to get more milk / get on with the washing up himself, how does that go down? Or are all these things your tasks that you can be criticised for not doing to his preferred standard?

Joysmum · 31/10/2015 13:34

he works 45 hours a week in a physically demanding job to support us

Does that mean he wouldn't be working those hours in that job if you weren't together?

This is something women often say and I call bullshit on it.

HamaHouseofHorror · 31/10/2015 13:35

Oh goodness.

Do you have children together?

This is really sad

hesterton · 31/10/2015 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summerwinterton · 31/10/2015 13:57

I wonder if his abusive behaviour towards you is what is causing your depression.

Why do you think you deserve to be called names? I am not surprised you sometimes snap and tell him to shut up. Most people would extricate themselves from this relationship - why do you stay I wonder?

Snossidge · 31/10/2015 13:57

Can you lay it on the line to him that:

The verbal abuse
Complaining about things you haven't done around the house
Coercing you into sex

Absolutely have to stop, right now, no excuses. Would he agree?

You should also promise to speak politely to him, but honestly lined up against everything else it is not a case of "you are both as bad as each other" so don't listen to posters telling you you've brought this on yourself by being rude.

Seeyounearertime · 31/10/2015 14:13

It sounds like he's taking out other frustration on you OP.
Maybe he goes to work, works hard, comes home tired. Ees something he considers 'wrong' like dishes in the sink. Has a rant and a rave, you then react, he then reacts to your reaction.

It's not right if he's taking out his frustration on you. If his job is among him so tired tonthe point of arsehole syndrome then maybe he should do what inised to do. I'd come home and before anything else I'd go and have a bath and let my stress or tiredness go so that any annoyances wouldn't effect my OH.

Bit whatever the case, name calling isn't on.

Seeyounearertime · 31/10/2015 14:15

Damn spelling mistakes, I hate touch screens, sure you get what I mean.

ImperialBlether · 31/10/2015 14:16

I'm always amazed by what women will put up with. If someone called me one of those names he'd be history. I wouldn't give a damn what he was like the rest of the time.

And that whining? Very, very unattractive.

DoreenLethal · 31/10/2015 14:36

Loads of us work hard and we are not verbally abusive to our partners.

Seeyounearertime · 31/10/2015 14:37

Loads of us work hard and we are not verbally abusive to our partners.

Loads of us aren't serial killers but some still are.

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RiceCrispieTreats · 31/10/2015 14:49

What do you want from this thread, OP? Just to vent?

Because I don't think anyone reading this can just nod their heads along with you and go "Men, eh? Ah well, what can you do."

None of us would want to be with such a man. I wonder why you believe this is all that you deserve. Do you know?

DoreenLethal · 31/10/2015 14:52

Loads of us aren't serial killers but some still are

And?

Seeyounearertime · 31/10/2015 14:57

And?

Which is exactly what I thought at your comment, followed by,
"What that got to do with anything?"

Lots of people come home tired, some handle it, as I did by having a bath, others don't, and they go grumpy and take out frustrations on those around them. I then suggested that this is what the OPs OH sounds like he's doing, so I don't see what your commented was adding tbh?

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