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why does DH not realise I'm not going to want sex if he behaves like an arse

(41 Posts)
AshleyWilkes Sat 31-Oct-15 11:43:34

DH and I have been married for 9 years, love each other v much. 75% of the time had a good sex life, loving and passionate.

The rest of the time its difficult, mainly because I suffer with depression and that affects my libido, also because he can be a complete arse at times, eg.losing his temper, calls me names when we argue.
He can be so kind and caring, and I can't say he's a bad husband because he's not, he works 45 hours a week in a physically demanding job to support us. Tells me he loves me every day and listens when I need to cry/rant.
Its his TEMPER that is the problem (he had an abusive childhood but that's another issue).

He complains a fair bit about petty stuff (dishes still in the sink, no milk in the fridge) and has got a bit of a short fuse. He'll shout and swear at me if I speak rudely to him eg.tell him to shut up. Promises me he'll work on it but then just does it again.
The names he calls me are like "bitch" "moron" "twat." I feel really bad and angry when this happens. He always apologises afterwards.

Pressures me for sex (a lot lately) and then if it doesn't happen he sulks. Eg. "I thought we were going to make love tonight" with a sulky tone. Or the old classic; "I don't think you fancy me anymore..." Sulky tone.
Huge turn off in my opinion!

Maybe I need to just get over the fact that he can be an arse and focus on the lovely man he can be most of the time?

GinGinGin Sat 31-Oct-15 11:52:34

I'm sorry, but name calling like that is not on. I don't know much about it, but it sounds to me a little like he's abusing you emotionally. I'm sure someone who knows more about this will be along shortly. Oh and passive aggressive pressuring you for sex is not on either, at all

AshleyWilkes Sat 31-Oct-15 12:13:18

I hate it, he says it in such a whiny tone/facial expression. Doesn't he realise that its a massive turn off? Especially when he's lost his temper with me beforehand and been a dick to me.

AlwaysHope1 Sat 31-Oct-15 12:30:02

That name calling would not want to make me be with someone like that. My dh in all these years has not even said a shut up to me, why would you accept that.
Wrt the sex issue, think because he sees that type of behaviour as not a big deal he doesn't get how it affects you.

pocketsaviour Sat 31-Oct-15 13:04:28

Are you saying that you tell him to shut up? Or the other way around?

Isetan Sat 31-Oct-15 13:09:54

Doesn't he realise that its a massive turn off? Especially when he's lost his temper with me beforehand and been a dick to me.

If you've told him, then he knows. His continued manipulation demonstrates he just doesn't give a shit about your feelings at that time and him 'getting off', takes precedent over how your feeling. I'm guessing the 75% of the time where you're up for it and it's loving and respectful, is just coincidental.

Being called names and the expectation that you should be his on call wank vessel, is a very high price for your self esteem to keep paying and does your depression no favours.

SkyFoCrumbo Sat 31-Oct-15 13:11:50

If a man called me a 'bitch' or 'moron', I would never have sex with him again, to be honest.

jelliebelly Sat 31-Oct-15 13:15:12

This may sound harsh but you will never change him so stop making excuses - 75% of the time being a pleasant person and 25% being in arse is not normal!!

AshleyWilkes Sat 31-Oct-15 13:17:09

I tell him to shut up sometimes when he's being negative or complaining. Yes I know its rude, but seriously he moans so much sometimes. Whenever I do it's like a trigger to his temper and he raises his voice and yells "you fucking shut up" name calling etc....

AshleyWilkes Sat 31-Oct-15 13:18:04

Not making excuses. Just laying it all out there, how I feel, how he acts.

TheBunnyOfDoom Sat 31-Oct-15 13:26:01

Are you sure the depression isn't as a result of his arsey behaviour? I'd be pretty miserable if my "D"H shouted at me and called me names too.

His abusive childhood isn't an excuse. If it still affects him, then he can get counselling for that. He doesn't get to call you names and be nasty to you 25% of the time. That's a lot of the time, equivalent to nearly two days a week of horrible behaviour. Is he really worth it?

Rebecca2014 Sat 31-Oct-15 13:30:17

Your husband is verbally abusive.

TendonQueen Sat 31-Oct-15 13:34:08

What does he listen to you cry/rant about? That seems odd because he clearly doesn't entertain any rants about him, and he also seems to like a rant himself. If you tell him that he's welcome to get more milk / get on with the washing up himself, how does that go down? Or are all these things your tasks that you can be criticised for not doing to his preferred standard?

Joysmum Sat 31-Oct-15 13:34:53

he works 45 hours a week in a physically demanding job to support us

Does that mean he wouldn't be working those hours in that job if you weren't together?

This is something women often say and I call bullshit on it.

HamaHouseofHorror Sat 31-Oct-15 13:35:07

Oh goodness.

Do you have children together?

This is really sad sad

hesterton Sat 31-Oct-15 13:35:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summerwinterton Sat 31-Oct-15 13:57:27

I wonder if his abusive behaviour towards you is what is causing your depression.

Why do you think you deserve to be called names? I am not surprised you sometimes snap and tell him to shut up. Most people would extricate themselves from this relationship - why do you stay I wonder?

Snossidge Sat 31-Oct-15 13:57:34

Can you lay it on the line to him that:
1. The verbal abuse
2. Complaining about things you haven't done around the house
3. Coercing you into sex
Absolutely have to stop, right now, no excuses. Would he agree?

You should also promise to speak politely to him, but honestly lined up against everything else it is not a case of "you are both as bad as each other" so don't listen to posters telling you you've brought this on yourself by being rude.

Seeyounearertime Sat 31-Oct-15 14:13:32

It sounds like he's taking out other frustration on you OP.
Maybe he goes to work, works hard, comes home tired. Ees something he considers 'wrong' like dishes in the sink. Has a rant and a rave, you then react, he then reacts to your reaction.

It's not right if he's taking out his frustration on you. If his job is among him so tired tonthe point of arsehole syndrome then maybe he should do what inised to do. I'd come home and before anything else I'd go and have a bath and let my stress or tiredness go so that any annoyances wouldn't effect my OH.

Bit whatever the case, name calling isn't on.

Seeyounearertime Sat 31-Oct-15 14:15:12

Damn spelling mistakes, I hate touch screens, sure you get what I mean.

ImperialBlether Sat 31-Oct-15 14:16:16

I'm always amazed by what women will put up with. If someone called me one of those names he'd be history. I wouldn't give a damn what he was like the rest of the time.

And that whining? Very, very unattractive.

DoreenLethal Sat 31-Oct-15 14:36:02

Loads of us work hard and we are not verbally abusive to our partners.

Seeyounearertime Sat 31-Oct-15 14:37:10

Loads of us work hard and we are not verbally abusive to our partners.

Loads of us aren't serial killers but some still are.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 31-Oct-15 14:49:22

What do you want from this thread, OP? Just to vent?

Because I don't think anyone reading this can just nod their heads along with you and go "Men, eh? Ah well, what can you do."

None of us would want to be with such a man. I wonder why you believe this is all that you deserve. Do you know?

DoreenLethal Sat 31-Oct-15 14:52:23

Loads of us aren't serial killers but some still are


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