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So what are the chances of meeting a life partner at 45 ?

(296 Posts)
darlingish Sat 31-Oct-15 01:32:01

In a nutshell met ex h at 18 and was married at 19 , had 4 dc and now at 45 I'm single !
Been separated 18 mths and started divorce proceedings.
Was very unhappy for many years and am blessed to be free now .
Met a lovely man in the spring and had my first romance and although I love him to bits and vice versa it cannot last for many reasons .
Wrong time wrong place .
When he leaves which he will early next year we will be friends for life and may well come back together one day but certainly for the next 5 years he will be on the other side of the world .
So ... I have 4 dc, 2 at home still .
I have a a demanding job .
No family support so very busy , ie up at 6 and don't stop until 11 every day as ex rarely sees his dc.
I do know that I need to be happy on my own and not rely on a man to make me happy , so that a future relationship will enhance my life not be the sole making of it iykwim.
Kind of feel like the next ten years is my time to get happy , enjoy life and my dc and do the dating I never did in my youth .
I read on the internet that apparently a woman finding a life partner in her mid forties is more likely to be killed in an accident !
It's made me think OMG .
I know it's ok to be single but after the summer romance I've had with my lovely man friend I would so love to share the rest of my life with the right person ( pref him but hey ho ) .

So what are the odds ?
Is it really that bad out there ?

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 31-Oct-15 04:39:38

Ai sorry to read this.

There will be stories of women who met the love of their life at 53 etc, but I have also read a similar statistic.

My mother was/is never without a man. But she is prepared to entertain the most appalling specimens just to not be single.

Whereas my standards have raised as I have got older and I want someone pretty amazing now.

Unfortunately, by our age (I'm 40), the majority of men who are single are so for a very good reason and (in my experience) it's not a good one.

So I think that it's easy to meet a man. A decent man is a different matter.

DrMorbius Sat 31-Oct-15 05:44:51

Unfortunately, by our age (I'm 40), the majority of men who are single are so for a very good reason and (in my experience) it's not a good one.

Men in their 40's (50's, 60's etc) are single for exactly the same reason as a woman of a similar age.

Soveryupset Sat 31-Oct-15 06:31:09

I don't believe that statistic at all! I know plenty of women who divorced in their 40s, 50s and 60s and met new partners.

Plenty of divorced, widowed men around who are looking too - you will be absolutely fine!

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 31-Oct-15 06:52:14

Men in their 40's (50's, 60's etc) are single for exactly the same reason as a woman of a similar age.

The single women I know are so because their husbands cheated and they kicked them out.

changeoflife Sat 31-Oct-15 07:26:56

Or were hugely let down in other ways by their ex-hs, as in my case!

I've been single for 3years now, am now 45 and if that statistic is true I am really fed up!! Surely at 45 there is some chance of meeting someone decent?!

Admittedly my brief foray into OD has not been a success. I'm not going back for more that is for sure!

cece Sat 31-Oct-15 07:38:39

My Gran got married again when she was 80. Don't give up!

DrMorbius Sat 31-Oct-15 08:22:43

The single women I know are so because their husbands cheated and they kicked them out

Did these men cheat with single women only then?

TopOfTheCliff Sat 31-Oct-15 08:48:39

Oh dear. I am over 50 and have found a lovely DP who is definitely my life partner but I think he may be the death of me because he has introduced me to a dangerous hobby which nearly killed me last week grin
Should I have stayed single?

Dowser Sat 31-Oct-15 09:01:21

What a depressing thread.

45 is still young. You have the rest of your whole life in front of you. Stop reading depressing articles like this. They are a load of utter bollox anyway.

How are you going to attract a kind, loving thoughtful man if you are full of negativity. Of course you don't throw caution to the winds, you need to keep your business head on. By that I do mean if this man, woman was a business is there enough potential in there for me to Invest in it? Is the question to run through your mind from time to time .

Both sides should be doing it, so you give your mate the very best of yourselves to the relationship.

I went into online dating at 56 after my 30+ year marriage broke up. I didn't go into it with the view of meeting a life partner. Regular posters / readers will remember my story. I was looking for someone to have theatre/ dinner/ cinema dates with and if anything blossomed from that well we would see. I only had two dates with two men and I married the second one last month after 7 fabulous years together.

The other one got snapped up pretty quickly too.

It's all to play for.

Life has dealt me some horrible blows but each time I've managed to pick myself up and keep moving shuffling footstep at a times.

Keep positive. Be the person you would like to be with.

Dowser Sat 31-Oct-15 09:02:50

Omg! What hobby is that?

NoMoreMrRight Sat 31-Oct-15 09:20:53

It's all very good to say 'yes of course it works, stop being so negative!!' when you've been extremely lucky and have met someone nice after a date or two, but when you've been on 40+ dates and all you have to show for it is disappointment and a couple of funny/horror stories to tell, it's hard to stay positive. Nothing wrong with me before you ask, dare I say I'm quite a catchgrin, I just won't compromise on 'ok'... I want 'amazing'!

Definitely a question of luck and coming across the right person at the right time.

TopOfTheCliff Sat 31-Oct-15 09:25:35

Hobby is something sporty and fun and energetic but when you do it on a mountain you could fall off!

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 31-Oct-15 09:26:10

Did these men cheat with single women only then?

In the cases I know of yes. Much younger women who were unencumbered by children and domesticity.

It only lasted in one case, that I recall. Bit that's irrelevant.

PreciousxBane Sat 31-Oct-15 10:57:46

I do know three women who have met and been happyish post 45 but there was an economic element involved with two of them. Two of my friends are quite well off and married men who were on minimum wage level jobs and I do worry that they were seen as meal tickets. One is very happy regardless but the other isn't.

My Mother always had a man, she literally chewed them up and spat them out. By the time she was 40 she had 5 dc and still bagged DH number 4, having her last child at 44. Why was she so sucessful? She was memerisingly beautiful but also vivacious, a force of nature. They were like moths to the flame. She was and is however an incredibly apalling person who uses people for her own ends.

So my anecdotal evidence is a bit odd.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Sat 31-Oct-15 11:03:41

I've a man who has been single for approaching six years. I've done the online dating thing for ages, joined lots of clubs, kept myself busy but because I am a childfree man and don't want to be a parent or step parent, my dating pool is small. I get lonely, despite "enjoying single life". It's cuddles and just holding hands as much as anything else and always going home to any empty place.

I have a female friend who has now been single almost 9 years. She's done the online dating thing, has loads of hobbies, very outgoing, attractive but it's not happening for her either. She would like kids but time is running out now. She gets very lonely too.

Of course those who get lucky with OD will extol its virtues but for every success story there are hundreds who don't even get dates, let alone a relationship. I know about 60 friends who are/weresingle has tried it and only two have had a relationship lasting more than three months out of it. It's not great odds!

fakenamefornow Sat 31-Oct-15 11:19:43

I wonder if you rigged a bit more into the statistics you quoted if you'd find they are only talking about women who have never been married/long term relationship?

I think if you've been married it might be a lot easier to find a new partner than if you've always been single? You will have been used to compromising on things, putting up with minor annoyances and just being around somebody else, where as if you've always been single and lived alone you are not used to somebody sharing your space are you have things how you like it all the time.

Anyway, make the most of being single, sleep in the middle of the bed and don't be shy about doing things like cinema by yourself.

fakenamefornow Sat 31-Oct-15 11:22:31

Sorry that's supposed to be digged deeper and other typos.

Onesteptoofar Sat 31-Oct-15 11:31:13

my friends haven't had much luck either and I'm single again at 42 and a bit worried. My friends say the men out there that are single in their 40s are mostly disordered, commitmentphobic or just generally lousy and the good ones really have been snapped up. My brother is in his 40s and also single says the same about the women!! There has to be some undamaged middle aged people out there surely!

But I reckon the odds are low tbh.

Postchildrenpregranny Sat 31-Oct-15 11:44:38

I have a friend widowed at 52 who recently re-married ,at 65 ,a widower she met through a walking group .When she met him she wasn't 'looking' and was perfectly happy with her single life ..They have been together about 8 years..He's lovely(I didn't know husband No 1but they were very happy) So yes they do exist . I have other widowed/divorced friends who have no trouble 'dating' perfectly nice men but don't actually want to remarry/live with someone as their DP (they are mostly in in their 60s though ) They say it's the men who want to get married.Perhaps you are looking in the wrong places?

pocketsaviour Sat 31-Oct-15 11:52:35

My friends say the men out there that are single in their 40s are mostly disordered, commitmentphobic or just generally lousy and the good ones really have been snapped up.

I really dislike this sort of thing. You're looking for someone with whom you're compatible, not looking for a frozen chicken in Tesco. If you're a picky bitch like me then that pool of people is going to be vanishingly small anyway.

I don't think there's much difference as you go through different age bands.
About 25% of people are abusive, emotionally unavailable, or terminally lazy/selfish
About 50% of people are okay, have their moments where you think "twat" but generally alright
The remaining 25% are decent, honest, good people who anyone would be proud to call a partner.
However you will only be attracted to a tiny percentage of that last category. Because no matter how good a man looks on paper, if there's no spark between you then that's that.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 31-Oct-15 12:43:49

As I keep saying on here, I meet men who think I'm lovely. I get told I'm attractive and even sexy on occasion!

I've only not been asked for a 2nd date once and I wouldn't have gone even if he had.

But ultimately it falls down because they want someone younger, slimmer and prettier than me. And I can't do anything about that!

I've dated men from a variety of cultural, social, educational and professional backgrounds. But haven't found anyone suitable yet.

I'm not interested in dating men in their 50s and beyond, but the men I meet largely want someone younger.

stareatthetvscreen Sat 31-Oct-15 12:44:40

another negative post here

more than a handful of single friends - both sexes, all in 40s,all still looking

its highly unusual to hear of anyone getting into a ltr

fakenamefornow Sat 31-Oct-15 12:49:14

I remember a friend had a dating profile on on id site. She was mid 40s and was looking for a partner age 40 - 50 all she men of her age were looking for women with a maximum age of 35.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 31-Oct-15 13:02:14

The biggest barrier is that men are looking for someone younger.

If a man is attractive, educated, employed, kind... inother words a good catch, they think they deserve someone much younger than them. The only men looking for a woman their own age are the ones who have decided they're probably not going to get a younger woman and decide to 'settle' for someone around their own age. And their dating profiles (if you're doing OD) reflect this.

If men were looking for genuine compatibility, then I think post 40 dating would be a lot more successful all round!

But, on the whole, they're not.

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