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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What happens next?

15 replies

ThePrincessButtercup · 30/10/2015 23:03

After 20 years I think it's all over.
We had a bad time this summer, bad rows with violence from both culminating, with him breaking my ankle.
Awful row tonight with him making vile sexist remarks to teen DD, he threw a metal gate hinge at me, whilst trashing the room, that I then hit him over the head with, I could have killed him, he threatened to stab me. We can't live together anymore.
He's packed a bag and left, telling DD he never wanted to see her again.

What do I do now, I'm guessing I contact a solicitor on Monday? DH will contest a divorce out of spite, could I cite my unreasonable behaviour to appease him?

I don't want him back in the house whilst DD is here, do I have the right to do that? It's his house too.

OP posts:

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sparechange · 30/10/2015 23:06

You tbink it is all over?
Sweetie, this is so far beyond the final straw.

You both now need to grow up a bit for the sake of your DD and make the next few weeks and months as amicable as possible.

My first step would be to arrange some mediation.
Put all thoughts of who's fault the divorce will be far, far out of your mind. It doesn't matter one jot.

Regarding your broken ankle, did you speak to the police about it at the time? If not, would you consider doing it now?

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Seeyounearertime · 30/10/2015 23:12

I believe, or at last I have personal experience of, you can refuse anyone entry into a house that you are occupying whether it's their house or not.
So you don't need to worry there, if he needs stuff then he can tell you what he needs and you can sort it. If he attempts to enter the property without your permission you can call the police and they will move him on. Unfortunately if he calls round when nones home he can enter, its also not legal for you to change locks.

If he's an arse with divorce the lawyer will give you the best route through it and you can cite whatever reasons you wish. All ex would need to donis sign to say he agrees. My Exw divorced me o ground of unreasonable behaviour due to a ERM...? Sexy time thing? Even though she had indulged in it and enjoyed it etc. But she needed a reason to divorce me, even though we split because she cheated. (Long story there lol)

I would say next step is find a divorce lawyer who offers free first hour, talk through it with them. If your happy then you can instruct to proceed, that's when they start charging. (Likely cost around £1500-2500ish)

I wish you luck, its a painful process but it seems it's the right choice. :)

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sparechange · 30/10/2015 23:24

You can ban him from the house where there has been documented DV. You can't ban him just because you want to.

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goddessofsmallthings · 30/10/2015 23:40

Ye gods. How did it come to this?

Did you report your broken ankle to the police or tell any health professional(s) how you came by the injury? If not, I wouldn't advise you to report it at this particular time while he's got cause to make a complaint against you.

If he has a visible injury and reports you to the police you may find yourself summarily removed from your home and up on a charge, or on police bail which may prohibit you from going anywhere near the marital home if he's moved back into it.

Are you renting or buying? If your joint names are on the tenancy/mortage agreement you have no right in law to prevent him from entering or staying in his own home unless you are in possession of an occupation order.

You can't divorce him for your unreasonable behaviour, but you can divorce him for his. Unless he's particularly flush, I very much doubt he'll contest a divorce as the cost of doing so is prohibitive and would far exceed the sum Seeyou has quoted.

Is dd the only child of your marriage and how she has been coping with her dps violence towards each other and his obvious antipathy towards her?

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Seeyounearertime · 30/10/2015 23:44

no right in law to prevent him from entering or staying in his own home

Hmmthings mist have changed. Whenninsplot, I left but when I needed to go back into the house that in owned my Exw refused and called the police, I explained and the police moved me on and threatened arrest. They told me that an occupier has the legal right to refuse entry to anyone unles they have a court order to gain entry.

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ThePrincessButtercup · 30/10/2015 23:48

The police did attend when he broke my ankle as DH told the ambulance despatch that he'd done it.
I didn't press charges as he'd just suffered a bereavement.

DD is not our only child but DS has left home now, he's been worse with DD since DS left, constantly referring to us as 'you two', in a derogatory way.

OP posts:

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Nottodaythankyouorever · 30/10/2015 23:54

You both need help for your violence.

Him breaking your ankle and you hitting him over the head with objects that you say 'could have killed him' is disgraceful behaviour.

I hope your DD isn't seeing the pair of you perpetrating such violence!

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goddessofsmallthings · 31/10/2015 00:10

As you've reported him before, it's your call as to whether you want to report tonight's debacle.

Having sustained a broken ankle as a result of his violence it would be understandable if you hit him with the metal gate hinge he threw at you because you were in fear of what he was going to do to you. Was your dd witness to the proceedings or did she take herself elsewhere once he kicked off?

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Funinthesun15 · 31/10/2015 00:15

Having sustained a broken ankle as a result of his violence it would be understandable

Sorry but on this occasion I disagree.

The episode that ended with the broken ankle the OP actually says bad rows with violence from both, culminating with him breaking my ankle

They are both being violent.

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goddessofsmallthings · 31/10/2015 00:23

There was a "bad row with violence from both" tonight, Fun, but, from what the OP has said, he instigated the violence by trashing the room and throwing a metal gate hinge at her and it could be that previous instances of 'violence from both' have followed a similar pattern.

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ThePrincessButtercup · 31/10/2015 00:51

I'm scared what tomorrow will bring, when he left he said he will only communicate via DS (who has ASD and needs that like a hole in the head).
I'm having surgery in a couple of weeks, that will be tricky.
He's recently taken himself off ADs and has just been told he may be sacked so things aren't looking good.
I'm so soft, I just sent him a task and asked if he was OK, just got a 'Get lost' as a reply.
He just doesn't know when to stop but tonight I saw him speaking to DD like he does to me and it's unacceptable.

OP posts:

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goddessofsmallthings · 31/10/2015 01:05

It is unacceptable and it has to stop before one or the other of you ends up in court for abh or worse. What will happen to your dcs in that event?

Do you want him out of your home? Do you want to divorce him?

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Serioussteve · 31/10/2015 06:39

Why is he so ambivalent towards DD?

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Seeyounearertime · 31/10/2015 09:36

I just want to touch back on this point, I think it's important:
no right in law to prevent him from entering or staying in his own home

I was a little confused on this so to that end I did some digging. According to Criminal Law Act 1977 Section 6, which I've paraphrased:
If there is a person physically present inside a property who is opposed to someons entry, that person cannot force entry against those wishes. To do so would be to commit a criminal offence. Subsection 2, specifically states that even possession or ownership of property does not grant a person the right to use force or threats to gain access.

So basically, OP, if your ex comes back and tries to enter the property whilst you're there you can refuse entry. If he shouts that its "My house" etc, it makes no difference. If he tries to force or threaten to get in then he can be arrested as its a criminal offence.
Hopefully it won't come to that though.

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ThePrincessButtercup · 31/10/2015 12:18

Why is he so ambivalent towards DD?
I could cope with ambivalence; it's the hostility and aggression I can't cope with. He says it's because DD is rude and hostile to him but she's a teenager, for Gods sake - it comes with the territory!

Thanks for that, Seeyounearerthetime, he phoned and said he was returning to get some things and sounded very calm. I don't want to create a drama so said that was fine. He agrees it's all over but wants to stay, in the front room, for a while whilst he gets things sorted out and finds a place to stay. I've agreed to this and he has apologised to DD.