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This is not a love song (late pregnancy baby loss mentioned) sensitive

(11 Posts)
Singthisisnotalovesong Fri 30-Oct-15 22:50:32

Hi brew

Long time lurker, occasional poster but have name changed as real world is pretty tough, at present, and am hoping for some mumsnet wisdom & support.

Without writing an essay and do not wish to drip feed, I shall try and summarise where I'm at in my relationship.

We live in a very small community. Work with (and under) husband of 20 years. We have two kids 13 & 7. The last decade, life can best be described as difficult (at times, unbearably so.) Over a decade ago, our baby was born sleeping in late pregnancy. The grief and loss is indescribable. I feel grief to this day. We soldiered on. I experienced a further two miscarriages and heavy hemorrhaging which needed medical attention. Soon after, my father passed away (whole different thread needed.) Surprisingly we then conceived our now 7 yrs old. The 7 year old was a non-sleeping, power-house and shattered our limited reserves. My husband coped by becoming a workaholic and I muddled on as best I could. Around 5 years ago, I started to find intimacy, on any level (with my husband) nigh on impossible (drifted into a sexless marriage.) With counseling, I started to try and reconnect about a year and a half ago. My husband, now, doesn't know if he can reconnect intimately. Too little too late (he's physically & emotional impotent towards me.) We hug, kiss, hold hands, cry but things have definitely shifted a notch. Love has remained.

So we're discussing him moving out, living as a family but in two places. This thought is killing me, can't eat (forcing myself for the sake of the kids,) can't sleep (taking sleep aids to get a few hours,) my body is physically rejecting the present situation (shakes, shivers, vomiting & diarrhea.) In the relationship, he has always been lonely to a certain level, has (in my opinion) had emotional affairs, over the years, so I can see it's the right thing, to do, to separate. Feel like there's vinegar in my tummy.

He'd like to live separately, remain a family & go on dates to rekindle what we've lost. (personally feel this is a unrealistic fantasy.)

For me, if he moves out then he's abandoned us and there's no coming back (how could he leave the kids - what man would do that?.)

Have spoken to no-one about this but am seeking support from Relate and you all. He has spoken to his immediate boss as if we move into separate properties then people will talk (small community.) It's all looking pretty hopeless isn't it?

I scour Relationships and save advice and thoughts (i.e. the meme.) Thanks for reading and I sincerely appreciate your views, thoughts and opinions.

Fortunately, the kids are doing really well (silver lining.) They are, I hope, oblivious to what's round the corner which will give me plenty of time to ready them for any changes afoot. My priorities are to my children and work as they're my future and offer security.

b*ll*cks brew (second cup if the first went cold)

Heebiejeebie Fri 30-Oct-15 23:09:18

I'm sorry for all you have been through. It struck me, reading your post, that you don't say what YOU want. You mention your husband, your community, your children, your job, your physical responses. But where are your thoughts?

Rubberduck2 Fri 30-Oct-15 23:11:10

I'm so sorry you feel the way you do. Whilst all the physical feelings are there it's hard to get your head on a stable place emotionally.

Somebody with better advice than I can give you will be among shortly, but in the meantime thankscakewine for you

AugustMoon Fri 30-Oct-15 23:36:15

Sorry to hear what you're going through. And about the loss of your baby. What was his/her name?
Re your relationship... Is there more to it? What is your life like? How does your dh treat you generally? Why do you think you lost intimacy?

Singthisisnotalovesong Sat 31-Oct-15 00:53:09

Hi brew

Thank you for responding.

Heebiejeebie – good point, what do I want? I want to be wanted by my husband, I want everything to be okay and I want to keep my mental health in check (avoiding alcohol and over doing life.) I can’t think long term, lots out of my control but for the time being, at least, I want to keep holding on to my relationship.

Rubberduck2 – thank you for your sympathies. You’re right, ‘it's hard to get your head on a stable place emotionally. ‘ Thanks for the flowers

AugustMoon - thank you for your sympathies. If you don’t mind, in this instance, I’d rather not share our baby’s name as I’d like to keep as anonymous, protective and respectful as possible. Needlesstosay; always loved and never forgotten. Thank you for acknowledging my baby as a real human being.

As to your questions, ’Re your relationship... Is there more to it? What is your life like? How does your dh treat you generally? Why do you think you lost intimacy?’

Is there more to it? Always
What is your life like? Good
How does your dh treat you generally? He’s a workaholic, kind, generous and fair
Why do you think you lost intimacy? no more self esteem, self respect gone mixed in with a considerable amount of self loathing. Wasn’t into the idea of screwing (for screw’s sake) so if my mind wasn’t in it then neither was my body. Through counseling, I addressed the above and sought a way back. Too little too late, unfortunately.

Things I have gleaned from Mumsnet

You did not cause this
You can not control this
You can not cure this

His happiness isn't my responsibility

Thanks for taking the time to respond, your thoughts, opinions and support are much appreciated.

brew

Singthisisnotalovesong Sun 01-Nov-15 11:57:39

Seeking support after a tough day...

Couldn't keep down breakfast
Kept most of lunch down
Managed a light supper

Thoughts going round making me feel sick to the stomach...

Negatives
Don't feel good enough/worthy to be loved by DH
He reached out to several others for attention via flirtatious messaging.
He emotionally cheated on me yet gets to decide whether he wants to stay?!? I must be a mug.
He's no longer sexually attracted but can appreciate that I am attractive?
Positives
The children love me
I want to be here for our children
I want to be the best mum I can
I want to be kind to myself
Go easy on myself
My husband wants to stay in the family unit to raise the children.
He wants friendship (conversation) with me

Possible future
Nothing physical as yet (we do kiss, cuddle & hold hands,) at present.

Random thoughts...
The thought of the end nearing is tearing at me.
I fear for his mental health (mid 40s)
Even running the bath is difficult.
Was awake at 4:30am.

Things have to get better 'cause I can not live in this state of anxiety.

Thanks for reading

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 01-Nov-15 12:18:15

Hi op

Sorry for your distress lovely, one point that stands out is your not feeling good enough for your dh.
To be honest it's not surprising with all his infidelity in the past, anyone would feel that way, plus erosion of confidence and gradual chipping away of self esteem.

The friends continue family unit it is code for cake and eat it or fall back position, your mental wellbeing cannot support that I don think. Your need aa clear line in the sand and take back of power. He maybe being cooperative etc but only for his gain, he doesn't get to decide how you will cope with all this.
Yes you are a mum but you have a life outside of kids and marriage, and a healthy happy mum is optimum so us the pun.

You need space away from him to re group and take stock, think about what you want. The here and now is he wants out so you don't get to decide to keep him, the best scenario is you decide to accept that and use that as your starting point going forward.

It's hard lovely but doable, you have the power of the vipers behind you thanks

c737 Sun 01-Nov-15 12:44:29

I think first and foremost you need to address this strong anxiety you're feeling that is really coming across in your post as this anxiety will be colouring the way you see everything at the moment and not helping with thinking straight/making good decisions.

It may be worth considering a visit to the gp to discuss some short term medication that could help to calm you a bit and get you through this tough time and get you some sleep (something other than sleep aids).

When you've addressed this I think you'll feel stronger and in a better place to take stock and start the process of getting through this tough time and developing coping strategies.

I know this will seem like a very cliche thing to say but it really is true that if you set someone free and they come back to you, they were always yours, if they don't come back to you then they never were. It's hard to live with uncertainty but you have to understand that, if your partner moves out and the relationship is done, you WILL be ok and you WILL move on, no matter how much it hurts now. Meanwhile, the children are fine so you need to carry on what your doing with them (as it's obviously working) and start to work on building yourself back up and regaining your confidence in yourself again. This could mean meeting up with old friends, starting to go to the gym/swimming, looking in to part time courses etc. I think counselling could also help loads.

i have been through a similar situation to you and I remember a friend making me get up every morning, put make up on and 'fake it til I make it.' And you know what? I did make it. And so will you.

AugustMoon Sun 01-Nov-15 15:38:18

Yes guiltypleasures, I agree.
I hope you can work through this and emerge in a better place op. The hardest roads lead to the most beautiful places. I think there's some truth in that.

Singthisisnotalovesong Sun 01-Nov-15 18:14:21

Thank you for taking the time to posts. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Guiltypleasures001 - thank you. You perceptibly notice the crux of the problem being infidelity, eroded confidence and chipped self esteem. Thanks for your sympathies over the distressing levels of anxiety being felt day-to-day.

I see too the code, you mention, cake and eat it or fall back position. I'm struggling over these thoughts. As mentioned above, feel like a mug.

I'm with you too that my mental wellbeing cannot support cake & eat or fall back position code.

How to draw a clear line in the sand and take back of power?

Thanks for the statements:
He is being cooperative but only for his gain.
He doesn't get to decide how you will cope with all this.

(Shall paste them onto my phone)

Things to remember from your post:

think: what do you want?
He wants out.
Will try to:
Accept that I don't get to decide to keep him and use that as your starting point going forward.
hard but doable
The power of the vipers behind me!

c737
Thank you c737. I will consider a trip to the GP to support me thinking straight & make better decisions.

There are moments of clarity where I think this will work. We will be stronger. I can do this. Then I crumble. Who am I kidding?

Working towards:
'feeling stronger and in a better place to take stock and start the process of getting through this tough time and developing coping strategies.'

Agreed, 'if you set someone free and they come back to you, they were always yours, if they don't come back to you then they never were.'

It's hard to live with uncertainty

Mantra: I WILL be ok and you WILL move on!

Funnily, 'fake it til I make it.' I have uncharacteristically putting my face on, drying my hair, picking out clothes more carefully as I've been attempting to take care of myself and paint a confident picture. Have resumed a hobby but not attending tomorrow as I needs duvet day to wallow in the quagmire.

AugustMoon
Thank you for you hopes and well wishes. I too hope I will end up in a better place. Shall keep,'The hardest roads lead to the most beautiful places.'

Great advice!

Singthisisnotalovesong Mon 02-Nov-15 10:52:46

brew

Just taken teeny tiny steps in the right direction, I feel, (((thanks c737))), visited GP & have 5 weeks worth of Prozac then hope to move onto St. John's Wort. This should see me through the next few trickier weeks.

Also, you'd think after 25 years of menstrual cycles that I'd have figured out when I was due to start my period, I suffer premenstrual tension, but it broke today and I feel double relief (seeing the doctor & period starting.)

Thanks to all.

Power to the vipers smile

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