Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

When you're a strong person, maybe too strong?

(31 Posts)
loveyoutothemoon Fri 30-Oct-15 21:34:14

Hi all. Regular member on here. I like to try and help people because I'm very familiar with a lot of posts, I've been through a lot of the same issues.

Having had a failed marriage and been on my own for three years I've become very independent and strong. And very much enjoy this.

Very rarely I'll have an off day. Like today, no reason, just feel a bit deflated. But never feel like off loading to friends and family because I don't like to show I'm having a weak moment. Pride I suppose.

Anyone one else feel like this?

Homely1 Fri 30-Oct-15 21:41:07

Hello, you sound fantastic. I have so many issues going on in life at the moment.. Big issues that would cause many to crack with one. The biggest of my issues is my manipulative husband involving solicitors in child contact. I feel like my life is just sinking. I keep being told that I'm strong but I don't want to have to be. I look at others and am quite surprised at the nonsense that they moan about. I do wonder how they would cope in my shoes. I would do anything for a straightforward life. I know that these are horrid thoughts. I do feel that I do need more strength and need to stop feeling scared, particularly of manipulative DH. How do you manage?

loveyoutothemoon Fri 30-Oct-15 21:51:01

Oh I'm sorry homely sounds awful. Do you talk to people about it? How long is it since you split? I ask that because life for me was very hard at first (and my DC's) but as time has gone on, and after acceptance, things are good. Could it just be bitterness on his part?

I manage by not taking any shit from anyone, ie, ex and friendships. If someone upsets me I say, and I don't give loads of chances. I'm very happily single, as I like my own company so much.

Homely1 Fri 30-Oct-15 21:54:34

How old are your DC and how much contact does ex have? I was in an EA relationship but as he was manipulative the EA continues plus I have a young DC. He doesn't understand DC needs. It's all about him. It has been a while since split but still.,,

springydaffs Fri 30-Oct-15 21:57:24

I have a bit of a thing about the 'strong' thing. Imo it's OK to be weak but I'd get stone for saying so.

But yes I'm strong - though sometimes weak. All OK with me. I don't think it's my job to hold up my life tbf. That would be like holding up the world - literally. I go with the flow and enjoy myself.

I'm strong bcs I've had so much shit in my life you just do end up 'strong' = good at weight-bearing. Bcs I've had to be! I'm like an oak. I cba with so many things.

My number one priority is to enjoy myself. Three score years and all that, shit happens, may as well enjoy yourself - there's a great deal to enjoy. I don't mean hedonism but enjoying what I have. I get unhappy and unsettled when I start criticising myself and my life - what's the point? Constructive development, definitely, but I'm not going to be calling myself a dog.

springydaffs Fri 30-Oct-15 22:02:40

Sometimes you have to be strong enough to be weak. wink

loveyoutothemoon Fri 30-Oct-15 22:03:09

DC primary school age and he has regular contact. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Best thing to do is not rise to things (very difficult). They do learn from it. When things happen it makes me massively remember the reasons for the split. Think of it as a massive achievement.

loveyoutothemoon Fri 30-Oct-15 22:07:50

I'm with you there springy, you sound very similar to me. Yes I agree, when I start criticising myself, get a bit unsettled. I'm so used to being there for others, sometimes I get forgotten about, like people think, 'she's strong, she's ok', take it for granted I suppose. Definitely agree, the more shit you've been through the tougher you are!

loveyoutothemoon Fri 30-Oct-15 22:09:09

And I think people walk all over you because they think you can deal with it, she won't mind etc. Not sure I'm talking any sense?!

loveyoutothemoon Fri 30-Oct-15 22:10:08

*not sure

springydaffs Fri 30-Oct-15 22:16:11

No I'm not there for others. Or, well, I am, definitely, should the need arise, big time, but I'm definitely not the go-to strong person. My boundaries are tight - I expect to be supported.

I don't wear 'strong' as an identity. I am incredibly strong but I keep quiet about it.

(Sounding a bit smug! Ime ppl don't particularly understand the strong thing which is why I keep quiet about it.)

loveyoutothemoon Fri 30-Oct-15 22:18:00

Yeah I never admit to being strong but several people have told me I am.

springydaffs Fri 30-Oct-15 22:18:36

Re my boundaries are tight bcs ppl take the piss! Consumers at the end of the day; takers. I am mindful of the type of person I'm dealing with, a give or a taker. most are takers I'm sorry to say

Handywoman Fri 30-Oct-15 22:21:30

Oh yes me. Separated 2.5 years, have built myself up and am a million times the woman I was then. Back then I was so out of touch with myself I wouldn't have known any of my emotions if they slapped me round the face!

Now I know I am no longer supposed to be superwoman, digging deep, day after day, putting up with shit. Now I know that life has good days and crap days and that hour to hour life has peaks and troughs, this has been a big lesson. Sometimes I cry about stuff even though life is much better now. I am content but allow myself not to be strong, always. Strength can be our downfall in the wrong context. I do think too much 'strength' can backfire on us women. We read about it all the time here, what women put up with.

I sometimes think where is this wonderful life partner nowadays, this mythical person I now deserve to share the load? Then I remind myself that I can meet lots of my own needs thanks (my therapist is working with me on this) I've come a long way and am also so grateful for what I have (house, good job, great kids, fab friends, music, laughter, my health). Sounds tres cheesy but it's true.

Big ole hug, OP, and homely and yy springy

Homely1 Fri 30-Oct-15 22:34:43

I'm with you all....

regretsihaveafew Fri 30-Oct-15 23:04:35

I too have had a lifetime of crap coming at me from many directions...and it has made me strong. And I also have had my 3 score years and not prepared to put up with fools any longer. I've been lucky to have support and help along the way, lucky enough to have my own home [through sheer hard work], financially sound, health pretty good, sons, grandsons...and today a new granddaughter! And I appreciate it all despite being alone a lot of the time. I also rely on my own resources and interests and enjoy life and every day things.

But now have firm boundaries and refuse to engage with anyone trying to knock me down. No more. I've worked so hard been through hell to get where I am, no one is going to take away the peace I now deserve. And I like my own company, never bored.

Some think I'm some sort of superwoman though, but I cry sometimes, wish someone would be there for me. If the day comes that I need help though I will ask for the meantime I do alright, value my strong independence and hope and optimism always returns after a bad patch.

Ok to have an off day OP, we are human, as vulnerable as anyone else and are allowed to express it. Our backbones are strong still, and to show our emotions is a strength.

springydaffs Fri 30-Oct-15 23:50:07

Great post regrets

Makes me think of the willow that bends

<full of tree analogies tonight>

regretsihaveafew Sat 31-Oct-15 00:00:11

Thank you springy. I bet we could each write a book....whether anyone would believe our stories though is another story. I know mine is bizarre to say the least.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 31-Oct-15 14:09:17

Hey everyone! Thanks to all for sharing your stories, and thanks handywoman for the hug flowers, I needed it.

Feeling better today although I'm really tired, from a very early start with work.

I think sometimes we forget about ourselves when concentrating on the DC's all the time, work etc.

I don't have a friend where I can talk about absolutely everything, which I miss.

How is everyone today? grin

hefzi Sat 31-Oct-15 17:46:26

I know exactly what you mean, love - so hope you're having a better day today :-)

loveyoutothemoon Sat 31-Oct-15 18:31:44

I am thank you hefzi

Are you having an off day?

springydaffs Sat 31-Oct-15 18:43:09

Actually I have totally wobbled today confused

I'm currently not very well and having treatment and a friend had arranged to visit. No show, not even a text tho I'd texted him to say what time you coming over. Got to me somehow. Went right down the shute over it, dangerously close to billy no mates territory. Haven't had one of those for an age. They lie in wait....

Then some friends were coming over tonight with a takeaway and I put them off saying I'm watching strictly too poorly and let's do it another time. They accepted too readily I thought, in my contrary, sensitive, way! Couldn't they have at least fought a bit?! grin

What got me was I was thinking of us all going to the Bond film later so put the idea out and got a lacklustre response. Alright if you don't like Bond but, I dunno, made me feel a bit pants. As I said, crap day! A kind of does anybody actually love me here day <cough>

No, I can barely believe some of my stories either regrets. Greek tragedy anyone? I've actually had people say 'that sort of thing doesn't happen'. Erm....thlconfused thlhmm thlshock thlbiscuit Not that I tell many people, mind!

Strictlys on! thlgrin

Handywoman Sat 31-Oct-15 18:52:55

Oh Springy shock

Sometimes a small negative feeling can grow out of control, I dunno if you helped yourself tbh by putting off your friends unless you really really were too ill, I know you're going through a lot

My kids are out, the nice-sounding chap OLD has disappeared and round here everyone 'seems' to be out celebrating Halloween but am reminding myself that's not how it really is and am quietly enjoying the peace, and Strictly - just a shame I can't open a bottle of wine til I've collected my youngest!!!!

loveyoutothemoon Sat 31-Oct-15 19:10:38

Springy. Oh dear. I'm so you're not well. Are you actually poorly today or did you just not feel like socialising?

I'm slightly bitter jealous of all the goings on tonight, all over Facebook etc. But then I think if I really wanted to join in with stuff then I'd make the effort! I'm happy sitting in my lovely home, had a lovely tea, kids are at dads. Just a shame X Factor isn't on til 8 and doesn't finish til 10.25 cause that's very late for me!! Still watch it though!

I'm cursing the fireworks and ignoring the door!

Handywoman. "the nice-sounding chap OLD has disappeared" ?? You being messed about? My days of online dating finished a while ago. I don't want a man!

springydaffs Sat 31-Oct-15 19:11:59

No, I shot myself in the foot putting off my friends! What's all that about?? I thought about calling them back to say I'd changed my mind..

Example of weak btw folks, just to give an illustration <why thank you>

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: