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Will you use your husband's medical condition if it will help your career?

(22 Posts)
friedafilmer Fri 30-Oct-15 21:24:32

If it will help you stay together in a place?

Otherwise either you'd have to move to a remote area, or you can stay but restart another career (uni, etc) from scratch again?

He does not approve. He was diagnosed with a mental illness many years ago (more than a decade) and have been stable and functioning highly since. If you use this reason to justify why you need to stay where he is, you'd be able to practice your profession.

Sorry for the vagueness.

Chocoholicmonster Fri 30-Oct-15 21:47:59

It's hard to give a proper answer when the question is so vague.

But to answer the basic question simply - My DP was diagnosed with MS a couple years ago. Would I ever use that to help me in my career, to remain where we are living, to benefit myself? No. Never. Especially if he'd already shown me that he did not approve.

Atenco Fri 30-Oct-15 21:54:21

Especially when it is mental illness and he does not approve, it would a total betrayal.

friedafilmer Fri 30-Oct-15 22:20:56

Btw, he does not hide it. He does not think it should be used to justify me having to stay where we are because he's been stable and very well for 15 years now.

Government regulation is I can only work in certain places unless I have pressing reasons to stay and I need to justify it. The places where I am allowed to work are very far from where he is, and he can't move because it will be detrimental to his career.

Queenofwands Fri 30-Oct-15 23:17:36

I think you must be in your twenties. As you get older you soon realise you do whatever you need for your family to get bye and sod semantics. Look after you and your dP ....put you first .... I one else will.

Queenofwands Fri 30-Oct-15 23:18:26

No one else will... Red wine Friday.

Pannacott Fri 30-Oct-15 23:27:57

Is it a realistic possibility that if you relocated away from him then his mental health might decline? Could part of the reason for his on going wellness be the stability provided by the relationship? Would it be worth risking it to find out? I think you can justify staying, and I speak as a MH professional.

scorpiob Fri 30-Oct-15 23:33:33

I have a history of mental illness and I would have no hesitations in encouraging DH to use it for whatever reason, if I felt that would benefit us as a couple/family unit. I am also stable now but I've been disadvantaged enough by my illness enough to not feel any guilt in using it to my own advantage. Of course I would want me and my DH to live/work close to each other and I'd use whatever it took to ensure that.

However, you're in a different situation and tbh I don't really think it's fair for him to be putting barriers in place of you two either staying close together, or for you to have to retrain and leave your career. Why can't he move with you and be the one to retrain? You would be putting yourself in a vulnerable position to stay with him and start a new career from the bottom again.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 31-Oct-15 05:02:24

What does your dh think you should do? Go and work in a 'remote area', or stay with him in your present home and start over by going back to uni and taking a different career path? How far away is this remote location and how often would you be able to return home if you were to work there?

Presumably you wouldn't have to start from scratch as a fresher in a new subject and could seek to gain a Masters in a different field within 2 years or so which would leave you free to work anywhere?

Do you have dc?

friedafilmer Sat 31-Oct-15 05:15:47

To be fair, my husband is so much more passionate with his career than I am with mine. I also have a history of anxiety disorder and panic attacks, but it's something that was managed by counselling (just meds as needed).

The possible remote areas are very far.

I have explored the option of taking a masters in a different field and have been offered a place in a very good university.

No children. I think we are okay if we don't have children.

Tram10 Sat 31-Oct-15 05:42:51

My DH used my health problems, recovering from cancer, to refuse a relocation to somewhere we didn't want to move to. There was a lot of pressure on him to accept the role and he used that reason without even speaking to me first, I had absolutely no problem with him using it though!

junebirthdaygirl Sat 31-Oct-15 08:33:08

I see no problem in using it. Ye are a unit and you moving to a remote location is not going to benefit him with a long term illness. My dh has bipolar and if l had to use it to prevent me being transferred l would. His health and wellbeing would be part of all decisions we make as a family so l dont see any problem with it. Being stable is huge and holding on to that is important presuming you are not mad to go to this deserted spot. Illness in a family is very stressful and it does affect all aspects of life so you are just be truthful and realistic here.

lougle Sat 31-Oct-15 09:05:33

It's lying though, isn't it? Your DH is stable and has been for 15 years. He doesn't want you to do it.

You'd be damaging your relationship by destroying some level of trust.

friedafilmer Sat 31-Oct-15 09:22:28

It's not really lying, as part of his stability is a stable family life, with me there. A long distance relationship will rock that stability.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 31-Oct-15 09:28:53

I think we are okay if we don't have children Can you please qualify this statement?

Do you want children at some point in the future? Does he? Or have you resigned yourself/yourselves to not having children for fear that it will disturb the balance of your relationship?

lougle Sat 31-Oct-15 11:13:44

So why does he not want you to say that?

TurnipCake Sat 31-Oct-15 11:24:21

I would, without a doubt.

I know you've been vague, I think I work in the same profession. My other half and I live 200 miles away. I can't transfer to a different area without providing compelling reasons and evidence, and even then there's no guarantee. I dread the time when I'll have to apply.

The distance is very hard at times. I could either give up my career or train in something else. If you can put yourself in a situation where it can be avoided, do so

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 31-Oct-15 11:29:03

It's his health. He doesn't want you to use it. There are many possible reasons why. He could feel that he's stable and would continue to be, so feel it's a lie. He could feel that as he's been stable for so long, he doesn't want it to define your lives anymore, and using it as part of such a pivotal decision would. He could want you to change your career or work further away and test having some independence and think this is the best way to get it.

After 15years of stability, would they require proof from a doctor or psychiatrist that you moving would be detrimental? Would he need to state that as his opinion even if it's not?

Unfortunately, you can only ask him, and he might not want to justify his reasoning. I wouldn't use it without his permission though. It's his health.

That aside, if your career depends on you moving and you don't want too, and the only way you can get out of it is by revealing your husbands medical condition, maybe retraining would be a good idea? It doesn't sound like the career suits your lifestyle, even if you do enjoy it.

EatSleepWorkRepeat Sat 31-Oct-15 11:36:18

What does he want you to do? Move away or does he have other plans of how you can stay together?

MsMims Sat 31-Oct-15 11:44:14

I don't think it's fair to use his medical history without his permission. It's highly sensitive and he has every right to not want it declared.

Have you been together for 15 years? If not, surely the argument that he is only stable because you're together holds little weight either.

friedafilmer Sat 31-Oct-15 12:04:49


I think we work in the same profession, too.


He wants me to stay where we are, and take my offer for a masters in a different field. I was actually excited about it. I guess this may just be graduation goggles? All those years of study/training down the drain.

We have been together for 13 years.

friedafilmer Sat 31-Oct-15 12:07:26

To be fair, I can't say my field is my passion, and he knows that. I was thrown into this due to parental influence.

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