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DH's ex

(9 Posts)
StrawberryMouse Fri 30-Oct-15 18:57:37

This is possibly a bit of a non problem compared to some on here and possibly quite long but here goes.. I'd also like to make clear that my DH is doing a remarkable impression so far of being a good man and has never given me reason not to trust him.

DH and I are early thirties, been together about eight years, married five, two dcs and otherwise happy. When we first met, we had both just come out of long term relationships and he in particular was very cut up about his ex. I don't really know her but friends do and have always painted her as a bit of an idiot, sporadic job history, involvement in drugs, dramatic behaviour and regular cheating, which DH has also confirmed.

She has recently separated from an unsuitable boyfriend and now has a young baby. She has made comments to friends that she should never have split up from my DH and her family feel the same. She made similar comments when finding out I was pregnant for the first time which got back to DH. I think she said something like she was sad to hear I was pregnant as she had planned to get back with him at some point (we were already married. confused)

He is essentially a good man, always treated her well, is in a good financial position with his own business etc etc and I think she is realising too late what she threw away when she was young and immature. Her life has not turned out as well as ours and she is obviously reflecting on old times.

DH has a large group of friends who are mostly married or in long term relationships and who all tend to go out socially as couples. She was previously a part of this but has not really been in contact with them for years, since they broke up really. I get on with all these women but they are mutual friends. She has recently taken up with them again and is posting old group photos on Facebook of them all together with nostalgic comments etc which I as their friend, can see, going on nights out with them etc and at some point is likely to bump into me or DH in the course of these things.

There is a financial aspect to my work and she has also been coming in, pleading poverty due to the breakdown of her relationship. I have not dealt directly with her but have been around when she is present Iyswim. She knows where I work and without saying too much, could have been a bit more private about her situation if she so wished.

DH maintains he has no feelings for her now, has not thought about her for years (until I brought this up sad) and I have no wider reasons to be threatened by her. Without sounding off, she isn't a particularly attractive person or prospect and he probably wouldn't look twice at her in the street now. I know he loves me and would trust him with my life but the thing is, he genuinely had feelings for her when he was younger and made a bit of a mug of himself when they broke up so she obviously on some level thinks she can legitimately make statements like this and is possibly testing the water and hoping for a reaction from him.

We love each other, have a great relationship, lovely dc, lots of fun and a good sex life etc etc so I don't feel our relationship is stale or in trouble or anything like that but I have seen so many men get their heads turned by a bit of attention from someone else and I am terrified she is deliberately going to put herself in his way. I trust him, have never had any reason not to but someone else making such an obvious play for my husband makes me nervous. His mother text him early this morning and I actually asked to check his phone, which upset him but I feel on such high alert. I know I can't let it come between us.

Does this sound normal or am I hugely overreacting? She hasn't directly approached either of us but has made comments to people knowing we will hear about them, putting herself out there so to speak.

He hates it that I am worrying and says he is just going to ignore her and hope she goes away and I am trying to do the same but it has scared me a little. Why does this woman think it's ok to insult both myself and my husband and disrespect our relationship like this? How do you ex-proof a relationship? How can I put this to bed and not let it bother me?

In need of advice, I just feel a storm brewing.

StrawberryMouse Fri 30-Oct-15 19:19:44

Definitely long. And angsty. grin blush

lexigrey Fri 30-Oct-15 19:25:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lexigrey Fri 30-Oct-15 19:26:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goodnightdarthvader1 Fri 30-Oct-15 19:32:59

You're overreacting. You can't control what she does, but he's made it clear he's not interested in her. Don't get needy or clingy or distrustful, it will drive him away.

StrawberryMouse Fri 30-Oct-15 19:35:14

Thanks both, Darth that's exactly what I'm worried about. There's nothing more unattractive than obvious insecurity is there and I'm generally not that person, I'm just freaking out. I've asked for reassurance, he's given it, will just try and sit back and observe now and not go to him about it again unless something else happens. It's hard though, it's on my mind.

Notagainmun Fri 30-Oct-15 20:47:29

Don't add fuel to the fire she is trying to light. Think of her as an annoying fly, not worth mentioning, just bat it away.

TheOneDaysRoad Fri 30-Oct-15 20:56:16

I've been bat shit heartbroken over previous relationships, doesn't mean I would ever go back if they wanted to weezle back into my life.

I would try and forget it as much as you can and let happiness and appreciation for your DH overtake all.

OffMyAyersRocker Fri 30-Oct-15 21:05:27

OP this would really wind me up and l think how you're feeling is understandable. But as you've said, you asked for reassurance and got it so try not to let this woman bother you. I know that's easier said than done though.

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