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Scared of Being Replaced

(5 Posts)
DontReplaceMe Fri 30-Oct-15 15:43:57

I've name changed for this as the information is identifying to my friends/family who know me and don't want it associated with my normal username.

I'm very worried that my feelings towards my parents could be replicated by my daughter in the future, I'm so scared that she'll want a better/different mum that I don't know what to do.

My dad was awful and not a very nice man. He manipulates everyone, makes himself out to be the victim and is a typical narc. Everyone thought he was a loving caring father when in reality he was the opposite; he'd change channels when he came in from work even if me or my siblings or my mum where watching what was currently on, he'd drag me off chairs/beds/sofas by my ankles or wrists, he'd tear or pull clothes off us if he percieved them to have a flaw. He scared my friends away - if he even let them in the house to start with - due to his racism, sexism and homophobia. He never praised or congratulated us, just told us to do better and would expect us to achieve things well out of our academic abilities (i.e. I'd be predicted a C and he'd expect an A). When i moved back home after university he would sneer at me, insult me and treated me like a slave, he threatened to make me homeless if I didn't do as he asked. He refuses to get a job because he feels the country owes him something yeah a slap in the jaw might do it. He expected me at Christmas to make a dinner for 17 people - I was 16 weeks into a high risk pregnancy - I did it and ended up in hospital a few days into the new year. I was 28 weeks when i moved out, and I feel so much better for it. My parents split up just before my DD turned 1 month old, dads never met her. My brother is still under his control, living with him and I hear all the time how hard it is for my dad not seeing me or his gd. I hate it sad

My mum was an enabler. She turned her back on the abuse choosing to ignore it, or claiming she knew nothing about it. I'm NC with my dad but still talk to my mum although I'm considering stopping talking to her to. I'm sure she's a narc to. She makes everything about her, and cannot stick to basic rules. If something happens in my life, even if its private or personal she tells anyone who listen, e.g. when I was in labour she posted it on Facebook, DH had thankfully told his parents just before she posted it but I know they'd have been furious to find out through social media - my mum only knew because she'd taken me to hospital as DH/his family were unable to. People where texting me/phoning me/posting on my Facebook wall for the rest of the evening, I didn't see it til the following day but it was horrible and would have been upsetting while I was supposed to be concentrating on giving birth. I specifically told her not to tell anyone, it spoilt the birth announcement. It's not the first time either, when I was diagnosed with a medical condition a few years ago I asked her not to tell anyone so I could learn about my condition and cope with it before telling anyone, only the following day I was recieving messages from people asking how I was, my mum claims she'd only told a "few close friends" because apparently she needed support to DH needed support but he managed to keep it to himself long enough for me to decide when to tell people. I'd have rather told people myself. I now don't trust my mum at all and never tell her anything because I know she'll tell everyone who will listen. She tries to call me daily, if I don't answer she will call me again and again, then she'll call DH instead until one of us answers. She'll claim she's worried about me or DD when there's nothing wrong or when there is something wrong she'll completely over-exaggerate the situation so it'll sound like I/DD nearly died when we didn't.

My DD is 4months old now, and I love her so much. I so badly want her to trust me, to want to spend time with me and to have the childhood I never had. Over the years I've found "replacement" parents; grandparents, mums and dads of friends, neighbours, even my childminder, since the birth of my daughter I've felt closer to MIL than I have my mum, and I feel sad, and scared.

I'm scared that when my daughter gets to the age I am now she'll have found a replacement for me. It's not that I want to be needed, its that I don't want to be replaced. I don't want to replace my own parents but they don't give me the emotional support I need.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is really, maybe I'm just wallowing. I'm hoping I never ever behave like my parents did.

mum2mum99 Fri 30-Oct-15 15:52:30

It is a very touching post OP. I think you have handled things maturely and yes it sounds like you may find more inner peace without your mum in your life. You have your daughter she is now your family and for the rest you may have to grieve the family you wanted to have and never did. They don't give you the emotional support you need. Never did. You managed by yourself so you are strong enough to carry on. Your daughter is lucky to have you already. Why would she wants to replace you? flowers

Tootsiepops Fri 30-Oct-15 16:02:08

My counsellor told me that being aware of a pattern means you are not doomed to repeat it. It's being oblivious to issues that causes them to play out endlessly flowers

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Fri 30-Oct-15 16:45:47

OP, I am a completely different type of mother to mine.

I can see that I am because of the relationship I have with them and they have with me.

It is true that acknowledging what has happened and deciding not to repeat it can be enough.


DontReplaceMe Fri 30-Oct-15 17:23:48

Thank you everyone for your kind words, they've really reassured me. I'm still scared but hopefully that fear will ensure that I never parent the way my parents did.

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