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DH's behaviour at 12 wk scan(91 Posts)
Had our 12 week pregnancy scan yesterday. This after a scary first trimester with bleeds/cramping/going in for reassurance scans…scan was great, aba moving around, though she confirmed Im l high risk pregnancy and needs to take it as easy as possible.
DH, when I turned to look at him he seemed quite interested on the screen though I was blown away, near crying and emotional. We come out and he is just distant, I know he’s thinking about work so say “if you have to, send an email” we sit down waiting or me to be called for my bloods, he sits there on blackberry, scrolling/ typing away. Not saying a word to me. I would’ve loved to excitedly recap the scan, how great to was to see baby healthy and moving, and perhaps the midwives words re me taking it as easy as poss had resonated in him.
Nothing, just engrossed in emails, then when I come back from my bloods and want to get home/crawl into bed, he looks at me and says “I just have to finish sending this”.
Felt deflated and distant from him, and told him on way out I wished he’d shown more enthusiasm and just been fully “present”.
Get into a screaming match in car, with him shouting at me and demanding I apologise for saying that. Car ride in silence. Felt livid and sad that he could act this way and scream at me despite midwives warnings. I also feel he should have been clear with boss/work (very stressful job) and said “I am going for our 12 week scan, therefore in hospital and un-contactable for an hour”.
Why is that so hard?
Are my expectations too high?
No, of course your expectations aren't too high. Even if a complete stranger was with you, you'd expect some excitement and a recap. When did he start to detach?
Welllllll.....I don't think a scan makes you uncontactable. During the scan sure - but he wasn't on his phone during the scan. After you come out....it might be a bit deflating if he answers an email straight after but I don't think its a hanging offence.
Especially as you TOLD him to do it, and you were just hanging around waiting for bloods.
Its mixed messages, isn't it?
I agree with Annarose.
Also (and this depends a great deal on your hospital's set up), it may not have been appropriate to talk about your good news if you were sitting among people who may not have been so fortunate. He may have felt that your scan was something private, to be discussed in private.
I don't think you're being unreasonable to get him off his work email for an hour. I can understand why he might have wanted to wait and chat about it when you got in the car. Perhaps he's finding it hard to process his own emotions about the difficult first trimester?
When there is risk in a pregnancy some people ( men or women ) try to protect themselves by trying not too getting overly emotionally involved early on. Pregnancy becomes real to different people at different points, my dh knew our baby was a real person rather than an abstract concept when he could visibly see and feel kicks. Not excusing his behaviour but trying to think about what might be going on.
Err, shouting and screaming at you? That seems massively disproportionate and is a bit of a red flag. Does he often get angry and shout at you?
You told him to send the email. He sent it. You had a blazing row based on the fact that he did as he was told but didn't behave in the way you would have wanted him to. Hmmm.
What's your relationship like usually and did he actively want this baby and plan to TTC with you?
Was the shouting and screaming one sided, not clear from the op
I hear you - DH read a book about maths during our 8 week post IVF scan.
It was all fine in the end.
Don't let him ruin it for you - put on a woolly hat and some sunglasses, go and see It's a Wonderful Life at the cinema and cry your way through it.
Also, What does "taking it easy" mean to you?
Did the midwife give any specifics? How is your pregnancy high risk? Does it mean not doung heavy lifting/serious excercise? Or does it mean more?
Both of you have to be very clear from your team what that means.
Just confused as you seemed to equate it with not rowing? What was the midwives "warnings"? Do you have a high blood pressure condition?
Yes your expectations are high. I am a woman and believe me with the job I do I couldn't have sent such an email to my boss about my own 12 week scan. So if his job is stressful etc and needs him answering emails 24/7 you can't expect him to change that unless he quits the job.
And if you didn't mean when you said "send that email" then don't say that .
Having said that he should have never shouted at you! That he has to apologise for!
I don't think we are getting the full picture, OP. He sounds mighty pissed off with you and I'm wondering how stressful your first trimester has been (why all the reassurance scans so far? Why are you high risk? Why do you have to 'take it easy'?) Did your DH want this baby or did you have to cajole him into it? Could your first trimester, which sounds chaos-filled and stressful, have taken its toll in terms of his excitement for the rest of the pregnancy?
Like I said, there's more to this story...
....also, I think scans can be not quite the thrill of the century that it is for us women. Especially if the man in question has been there, done it before.
I had a bit of this in my pregnancy. DH could never quite give the level of emotion I expected from him and it really upset me.
Turns out he was shit scared and thought he had to be the 'strong one' yet also it didn't feel real until the birth as he wasn't experiencing the same things as me. He also said he felt I was consumed by the pregnancy and didn't want to upset me but didn't enjoy 'losing' his wife to the pregnancy.
We'd had fertility problems and Id imagined over and over in my head how he'd be star struck at scans and jump up and down excitedly and gush over scan pics. But the reality was he didn't know what he was looking at or have much connection to baby until birth
Grandparents ESP grandmothers are much better at doing the emotional "wow" IME
Thanks all. I told him to check phone as knew he was itching too and otherwise we'd just sit in silence anyway. But yes, mixed messages. Was just hoping he'd say he'd not check BlackBerry until back at home and focus on me/scan.
Our relationship is pretty fiery/up and down but loyal/trusting and ultimately we have a lot of love/friendship for each other. We are always trying to improve things and communicate very openly about this. Both having had rather messed up childhoods/parents divorces and affairs etc. have given us our won issues. I admit I can be very demanding, especially in pregnancy.
I am not very open loving/tactile and we cant DTD at all irght now die to condition, whim I guess makes him feel even more pushed away as he would love me to me more affectionate-even just hugs etc.
This is our 2nd baby and yes we were actively TTC. He barely has any family so would've thought he'd get really excited about this pregnancy but just haven't felt it much, despite him excitedly showing friends scan pics etc. to me it seems not much excitement.
I think your hormones are raging tbh. I sent emails from my Blackberry when waiting for my scan, I had early scans due to bleeding and went to one on my own as DH was working.
Congratulations on the pregnancy, why not sit down and have a chat with your DH this weekend about what you anticipate from your pregnancy and "taking it easy",
Totally agree with Elle that there's more to this story. Is he generally supportive, and has he been supporting you through the pregnancy so far? I suspect not, and that's why you're so upset?
It is v frustrating and I don't think uabu. I used to get really angry at dh for being similar, concerned about me in pregnancy to a point, but really quite disinterested in the pregnancy and baby to be. But he's from farming stock and life is easy come easy go and the joy only kicks in for him when the baby is present and tangible.
I've got 2 ds but had a mc in between which couldn't have phased him less. I'm unexpectedly pregnant again now and last week had an unexplained bleed. On telling dh he just said "don't mc now, I've just bought the windows for the loft conversion!" (our emergency house extension given the unexpected news).
It was a whole new level of insensitive tbh, but I know that when and if the baby arrives, I have the best dh and father to the kids and that his inability to connect with a pregnancy is just one of his 'him things'. Rather that way around than have a father disinterested in his kids.
So I hope OP that your dh is the same and comes into his own when the baby arrives. Congratulations btw!
Cross post. When you say the relationship is fiery / up and down, what do you mean? Can you give some examples?
I get the feeling that you have a script in your head that you want him to follow. And his facial expressions better match.
Sorry to say this, but you're setting him up to fail, really. I feel sorry for himif he doesn't immediately burst into snotty tears at the birth!
With my DH the pregnancy and baby didn't become a 'real thing' until I had DS! I had HG from 4-41 weeks and SPD from 20 weeks onwards. It seemed to him I was seriously ill rather than pg and he was TERRIFIED ( MIL has been disabled since DH was 3 and the stress is killing his DF so he's always been sensitive about illness/ dependence). He wouldn't look at baby clothes / talk about names etc, just repeat, there's time for that over and over then change the subject. Physically and practically he was there for me in every way, just not 'excited' if you see what I mean. Once DS arrived he was the most loving, patient and attentive father from the first second. Now pg with DS2 and he didn't come to the 12 week scan, I took my mum instead so I got a bit more excitement that time.
Once everything has settled down, talk to your DH about how he feels, is he frightened for you/ the baby and is dealing with it by staying distant? Decaf and for you. on your new baby.
I agree that your hormones are getting the better of you. I agree though it is irritating to be with someone who is constantly looking at Iphone/blackberry.
Agree with Annarose. Yiu sound like very hard work thb.
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