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Now he starts talking and mediation!!!!

(39 Posts)
TooSassy Thu 29-Oct-15 20:02:43

Summary of situation.

Married coming up 10 years. Circa 3 months ago, evidence uncovered of multiple (and I mean multiple) infidelities. I filed for divorce. The last few years of the marriage had been exceptionally hard. Intimacy, communication all had broken down. Both our faults. Anytime I tried to talk or broach the walls, I was faced with immense anger and criticism. I in turn erected my walls. You see how this ends.

He never ever sat me down to say he was unhappy. Or sad. Or lonely. Or any of those things.

Now that he is facing the consequences of his actions, now the emotions come out. Anger, loneliness, depression, shame and guilt. He is in mediation telling me how tough the last few months have been on him. Because they've been such a walk in the park for me of course. The week I discovered what he had been up to and the extent of his <ahem> activities was the worst week of my life.

Quite honestly I couldn't give a flying fuck if he is feeling lonely. Or sad. Or depressed. He cheated, multiple times. He used our money to cheat. He used time that he should have been at home with our DC's to sleep with other people. Then he came home and kissed us with that mouth. Sickening.

Is my reaction wrong? Should I feel some empathy or sympathy towards him?
Have any others faced this and if so how have you coped?

Because I sit in mediation looking at this semi weeping man and I feel like an iceberg in response. I just don't know if that's normal. Is it?

CocktailQueen Thu 29-Oct-15 20:07:35

I've never been in this situation but it sounds very normal to me. Your h has hurt you repeatedly so either he's killed all your feelings for him, and all that is left is numbness, or you're protecting yourself from more hurt by not allowing yourself to feel anything for him.

I wouldn't worry about it, though! Sounds like he's brought on this himself and maybe the mediation is making him actually think about what he's losing.

Chin up and keep on, op!

FeckTheMagicDragon Thu 29-Oct-15 20:16:56

He's not sorry for cheating and for the pain he has caused, is he? He wasn't feeling guilty at the time. He felt no shame when he came home to you after sleeping with someone else?

He's just sorry he got caught, and sorry he's having to face the consequences

Well, tough. I'd feel the same way. In fact I DID feel the same way. Months after I split with ex ,when he found out that he actually missed having someone to talk too, a family to have fun with, and after he'd (now openly) shagged his way around around our small village the stupid sod asked me if I wanted to marry him. Then cried when I said you must be fucking joking no.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 29-Oct-15 20:32:47

Why should you feel sorry for him?!

AnyFucker Thu 29-Oct-15 20:37:43

Stay chilly, honey

Now he squeals

Who cares ? He is probably enjoying mediation because he is making it all about him (as he always has)

Just steel yourself to the snivelling cheating weasel, go through the process and get rid of this sexually incontinent no-mark

WellWhoKnew Thu 29-Oct-15 20:41:27

It sort of takes the biscuit, I think. He's cheated repeatedly and now he's full of 'woe is me'. It seems to me you're indifferent to his manipulation.

Which is not the same as being a 'hard-nosed bitch' or whatever he may say later when you don't respond in the manner he demands you do.

Remain an iceberg. And be fine with that.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Thu 29-Oct-15 20:41:51

Oh, dear OP. Get thee hence to chumplady. She'll help you with everything.

kittybiscuits Thu 29-Oct-15 20:43:52

Don't waste your emotions - he only cares about himself. Hard hat, get things sorted, move on x

Lacoba66 Thu 29-Oct-15 20:44:11

Oh, OP you are still being dragged in to his world of 'me'me'me'.

When you eventually get yourself OUT of this, then eventually you can allow yourself to feel "empathy or sympathy" (if you wish). I only say that because when you are not in the middle of it, that may be how you will feel.

Not for his benefit, but for yours, as you will realise what a sad individual he was.

Until then, no he deserves none of them and stick with your gut reaction.

ToddlerTantrums Thu 29-Oct-15 20:46:09

It sounds normal to me. Totally different reasons for separation here but v similar in that Post breakup it's all about how hard it's been for him etc.
Stay exactly as you are. He doesn't need/deserve your sympathy. Stay cold and protect yourself.

TooSassy Thu 29-Oct-15 21:29:38

I <<heart>> all of you fellow mnetters! Thank you for your words of support.

I guess I just felt abnormal at one point as he was spewing about how hard it had all been and I guess I must have looked quite impassive in the face of it all.

Because as many of you have quite rightly said, he's not sorry about any of his actions. Or the betrayal or the lies. He's not once apologised to me for any part of it. He's sorry that his comfortable life of having his cake and eating it is over.

It's just quite galling to be sat across from someone who has done so much and somehow still thinks they have the right to make it all about them. If it wasn't for the DC's, I'd walk away from mediation and tell him to go fuck himself.

But given there are some darling children involved, I shall plough on through knowing that I am in fact perfectly normal and sane!

Thank you all! Your kind supportive words have made my week!

Blodss Thu 29-Oct-15 21:36:15

You have said that you were both responsible for the breakdown of the relationship prior to his infidelities. Has that been discussed?

Blodss Thu 29-Oct-15 21:38:26

If you are in mediation with a view to staying in this marriage then I would have thought you need to go back and work out how you got to the stage where you both stopped trying.

Homely1 Thu 29-Oct-15 21:43:28

Oh my!!! So bloody typical! Your reaction is NOT wrong at all. Dragged you through hell and now he is going on about himself. 'Me, me, me'.... How manipulative of him...

Homely1 Thu 29-Oct-15 21:44:40

What is the mediation for ... May be a stupid question. Is it to work out what is best for the children?


TooSassy Thu 29-Oct-15 21:48:59


Oh no! The Mediation is to sort divorce as amicably as possible: mainly DC's and finances. Especially important since DC's are involved. I really do not want to end up in court.

I just don't see why in amongst the practicalities I am faced with his angst at his world that is falling apart. Yes I played a part in our marriage not being in a great state. But I never ever stopped trying, nor did I indiscrimately fuck around with random people. In my heart I thought we would pull through.

homely1 must catch up on your thread. How are things going in your world?

AnyFucker Thu 29-Oct-15 21:49:28

this is cake eating according to chump lady

TooSassy Thu 29-Oct-15 21:50:54


To be clear, divorce is filed. Papers have been issued to him. I need his paperwork returned and then I crack on for the divorce Nisi.

No going back.

TooSassy Thu 29-Oct-15 21:58:27

anyfucker that is absolutely brilliant. Thank you for sharing

<<slopes off to read further chump lady articles>>

AnyFucker Thu 29-Oct-15 22:11:38

Chump Lady is brilliant

AnyFucker Thu 29-Oct-15 22:13:28

There is only one way to deal with a cake eater and that is to take away the fork and leave.

Right on, sister

WorzelsCornyBrows Thu 29-Oct-15 22:36:45

Oh the poor poppet was feeling low? Boo-fucking-hoo.

You crack on with your divorce love, you sound very strong.

IguanaTail Thu 29-Oct-15 22:41:16

Why do you have to go through this utter shit of him talking about his freshly-created feelings of guilt, when all you want is to sort out finances etc and move on?

Can't you ask the mediator to hurry this along? It's utter shit - as if it wasn't bad enough to find out about the infidelity you now have to waste time listening to his crap.

Blodss Thu 29-Oct-15 23:06:24

Thanks for clearing that up OP. Good luck with it all.

TooSassy Fri 30-Oct-15 05:16:32

iguanatail it's ok. We are still making gains on the practicalities. I really really want mediation to work. Neither one of us wants to end up in court when DC's are involved. So as part of that I have to listen to bits of this? Who cares.

I want a divorce. That's my end goal.

It's just nice to know that I'm not a 'hard nosed bitch' and my self protective mechanism is well placed!

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