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Those who were/are NC with parents - did you regret it when they died?

(28 Posts)
WhoTheFuckIsSimon Thu 29-Oct-15 17:40:47

Ive been NC with my mother for nearly a year now. She's in her 70s. So possibly she could die soon. Though of course she could drag on for 20+ years.

My brother is also NC with her. My dad died a while ago but had divorced her prior to this.

There's no way I can get back in touch with her. She's poison. Makes up nasty shit. Tries to get between me and dd, between me and Dh. Says stuff to to dd and then denies it and accuses dd of being a pathological liar, etc. I get the occasional nasty, lengthy letter from her which just rants about how ashamed I should be of myself.....not entirely sure what for. grin

I'm glad I'm not in touch with her, the last year has been the best of my life. But I worry about whether I will have any regrets when she dies. She has no family and my step mother who sees her weekly at church says she doesn't have any friends either. I don't like to think of any elderly person been lonely but then I keep telling myself it's her fault!

TheImminentGin Thu 29-Oct-15 17:44:55

I'm NC with my dad. He's still alive but I've often wondered whether I would attend his funeral.
I don't think I will regret having been NC though.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Thu 29-Oct-15 17:53:13

I anticipate sadness the NC were necessary. I already feel that, a deep heavy sadness inside me. I try not to let it spill into bitterness that she is my mother, but it's hard and I find contentment both in being a better mother than her and seeing my friends have better relationships with their mothers.

I won't attend her funeral. It would anger me to hear people say kind things about her, but also I anticipate sadness for her that, at the end of her life, my children and I won't be there to mourn her. Because we won't. And that her actions will have isolated her from her family.

I will feel sad that I don't feel sad, but I won't regret the choice to be NC. 3.5 yrs for me.
I

Colabottle10 Thu 29-Oct-15 17:57:24

No. I'm NC with my dad.

I will rejoice the day he dies.

howtorebuild Thu 29-Oct-15 17:58:59

I wonder this too. I doubt I will go to their funerals. One reason why see the people my parents treated as superior to me who will just gossip about me, put me on show then have to feed and water them.

Nearlycaughtawoozle Thu 29-Oct-15 18:01:26

DM was NC with her mother (and rest of family) for many years - I have no memory of ever meeting her. When GM died, DM attended the funeral but has no regrets at all about not seeing her. Now GM is dead, DM has re-established contact with her siblings but said she had felt almost suicidal when they started talking about their childhood (very different memories)

HotNatured Thu 29-Oct-15 18:01:29

My parents are not yet dead, but I have been NC with both of them for three years.

They are cold, unemotional people, yet dramatic and thrive on negativity and stress. I am much better off without them being part of my life. I don't have any love for them at all, they are strangers to me and even though they are alive, they may as well be dead.

Yet, who knows how I will feel when I hear the news that one of them has indeed died. I really don't know. I think I will just feel as detached as I do now. I do wonder though whether the living parent will try to make contact for whatever reason and I wonder how I will react to that. My sister, who is also NC with them, said she will tell them to f off. Not sure if I can be that cold to anyone no matter who they are, despite the fact that they deserve nothing less than to be told to do one in no uncertain terms.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Thu 29-Oct-15 18:10:03

I suppose the sadness I feel is that we couldn't have had a better relationship, but I recognise this is down to her. Unlike a normal person who would have tried to reach out and ask what they'd done wrong to try and sort it she just writes nastier and nastier letters.

I won't go to her funeral. She has some acquaintances/friends from church (though they change frequently as she falls out with them all) and I know she slags me off to them. I get told in the letters how X (who used to be a magistrate) thinks dd should be taken into care, etc as im such a bad parent.

howtorebuild Thu 29-Oct-15 18:11:41

I think my parents are just fools with low self esteem. They though they were beneath others and trained me and others to think I was inferior too. It took a lot to realise people are equal. They don't like that I changed, one keeps telling me to be nice = be inferior like me to make me feel better.

Puzzledandpissedoff Thu 29-Oct-15 18:18:48

I was very low contact with my hideously abusive father who died quickly after a heart attack in January - and looking at his body in hospital I felt only relief that he would never be able to hurt me again

There was no funeral as there was absolutely nobody to come; he hated everyone else even more than he hated me. So I met the undertaker at the crematorium, watched him slide away and then went out for lunch

It doesn't always have to involve regret ...

queenoftheknight Thu 29-Oct-15 18:18:49

I think it will cause me to grieve for a fantasy mother. One who might have loved me, like a normal mother.

I don't believe I could grieve for the real one, who nearly killed me, who tried over and over to destroy me, physically and emotionally, and destroy any and every relationship I ever had. Not a chance. Can't wait to breathe a sigh of relief that she really can't hurt me any more.

swisscheesetony Thu 29-Oct-15 18:27:26

howtorebuild has made me realise that were I to attend I would be the focus of stage whispers, curious glances and gossip. I'd be made to feel like a bloody circus exhibit.

howtorebuild Thu 29-Oct-15 18:32:56

Yes, Swiss. I told my parents this was partly why I wouldn't attend, they wanted those people there above me after I explained, told me all I needed to know.

something2say Thu 29-Oct-15 18:38:47

I have been no contact for ten years (father) and almost twenty (mother) and have given the funeral matters some thought. I think I will go to my fathers grave after the funeral and say goodbye to him then and not bother at all for my mother. I am more worried about whether I ought to say goodbye to my father if he became ill. But then, if I go to say goodbye and clear the air, then why aren't I doing that now? Answer = because he is horrible to me.

It's a shame that some of us have had such horrible parents that we wield this issue isn't it!

DrewsWife Thu 29-Oct-15 18:45:49

I'm NC with my genetic material. We were taken into care after mum died. 20plus years ago. He was physically and sexually abusive. I have been NC quite happily. He has tried to make contact several times.

I have always said that when he does I will go to his funeral, I think it will give me some peace.

GlitteryShoes Thu 29-Oct-15 18:53:15

I was NC with my mum but she got ill and I ended up looking after her till she died. I did her funeral but felt nothing. I am also NC with my dad. My biggest worry is having to do the same - I have no intention of being there for him but I would find it hard to know he was alone and I'll etc, however vile he is. I would just like him to die in his sleep and then ignore my phone until the funeral is over.

mrsnec Thu 29-Oct-15 18:55:15

I was nc with my dad.

He died of cancer a few years ago. I didn't ever feel close to him and didn't have any happy memories of him.

He did try to make amends but always managed to upset me more every time he tried to contact me.

I didn't go to his funeral. It felt false. I upset a lot of people by not going. My stepbrother's partner who I'd only ever met once and who had never met my dad decided to go to represent me because she felt so strongly about it. I think funerals bring out some strange behaviour.

My dad did remember me in his will which I see asked him trying to do the right thing for once. I don't have any regrets, didn't feel that anything was left unsaid,didn't feel the need to say goodbye but I'm not a cold individual at all and I still went through the grieving process. I think I was grieving for the father I never had. Nobody understood it though. They just kept saying but you hated him! I remember when I found out the first thing my best friend said at the time was are we still going out tonight? I didn't get any support or sympathy from anyone because I'd made it clear how I felt about him. I wish everyone I'm close to understood how I felt that's the only thing I'd change.

I don't live in the same country. I have been invited to visit the grave next time I'm in the UK but I can't see that happening.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Thu 29-Oct-15 19:32:42

My one fear is that she has a lingering illness and im contacted to say she's in hospital and has x weeks left to live. I don't know if I would weaken and go and see her. Part of me feels I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction......she is so twisted she would see this as proof that she's "won". If she could still talk im sure she would make snide digs.

mrsnec Thu 29-Oct-15 19:40:11

I did consider visiting him at one point. But then he said to me ' this (cancer) will get you too, you mark my words ' so I decided against it and I know I made the right choice.

And do what is best for you not for anyone else.

Katedotness1963 Thu 29-Oct-15 19:54:13

I cut my dad out of my life. He was an alcoholic, we had a miserable life as children and he was bloody nasty when we grew up. I realized I didn't want my kids having anything to do with him, they deserved better. The booze eventually killed him, we hadn't talked in years. I'm fine with it. I've visited his grave one, so I know where it is.

something2say Thu 29-Oct-15 22:06:27

Well cheers to you all. Plenty of us aren't there X and it seems we aren't alone.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Thu 29-Oct-15 22:08:25

It's sad there's so many people in this situation. I feel like an orphan as my dads died and I have no relationship with my mum. It feels worse getting towards xmas.

hairbrushbedhair Thu 29-Oct-15 23:01:21

Fil died suddenly after we'd gone NC. We regret it massively sad

Too much was left unsaid and unheard

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast Thu 29-Oct-15 23:08:11

When my mum dies I expect she will have used her will as a final way to show her contempt, so I have that to look forward to. And I occasionally reherse the phrase "direct cremation" in my head in case anyone phones expecting me to go running to do "the right thing by her" , but she's already gone really.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Thu 29-Oct-15 23:15:01

hairbrush. I'm sorry. That's what I worry about. Once they die there's no second chance, no further opportunity.

I also know my mum will have used her will to punish me and dd further. Even when I was in contact she was the sort of person who would "think out loud" wondering whether to cut me out the will and leave it all to dd. Well I reckon dd will be out the will now as my mum blames her for everything.

I think she will have left everything to the local cathedral. Before I went NC she warned me the cathedral have a copy of her will, including funeral plans. She wants a big cathedral funeral, inc lying in state overnight there. hmm

If I'm next of kin could I veto this once she dies and send her direct to the crem? If I refuse to have anything to do with organising the funeral and there's no other family who sorts it out? The council?

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