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What's the best advice I can give my friend about her aggressive husband please?

(13 Posts)
JuanPotatoTwo Thu 29-Oct-15 15:37:35

I don't know her all that well so although I was aware there was something going on, it wasn't until this morning that she opened up a bit.

They've been arguing for a while but things have ramped up in the last five months to the point that he's aggressive, violent and angry. I don't know the extent to which any of these have reached.

He won't leave the house, but he doesn't want any of them - only the house. She won't get legal help because she has been told by a friend (who is a solicitor) that to take it through court will cost a fortune, and says her husband won't listen anyway.

I told her to log the aggression with non-emergency police, to ring women's aid, and to consult a solicitor anyway. What else can I tell her to help?

Thank you.

KurriKurri Thu 29-Oct-15 17:04:58

Yes to logging the aggression with the non emergency police. I had to do this with my XH. The police came round and were very good about it, they did a risk assessment - asked me lots of questions. I your friends husband has already been violent she will be a high risk.Thepolice told me that having logged accomplaint any future calls byme about him would be treated as a priority and they would come straight away if I thought I was in any danger. They also gave me number sof local women;s aid groups etc.

they also gave me alist of what to put in an emergency bag - and this is something it might be a good idea for you rfriend to do. get her passport, NI number, birth cert etc etc - all the vital documents and those of her children if she has any and have them in a bag all in one place so that if she has to leave in a hurry she can grab all her vital info. And obviously keep it hidden where he can;t find it or give it to a friend for safe keeping.

She can get an hours free legal advice form a solicitor - she needs to look up which one;s do this. She can also more free legal advice from citizens advice - they usually have a day when they have a legal person and you go and queue up - it can be along wait, but its free and they will guide her in the right direction.

From the info you have given - is she wanting to file for divorce against him? It will cost money, but you don't necessarily have to got through court, and if there is evidence that he is being violent he may want to avoid going to court and be prepared to settle outside of a court appearance. It will still cost money but not nearly as much.

As an idea of costs - my divorce - with a fair amount of arguing the toss from XH and therefore not a straight forward one - cost £5500. I asked for and was awarded costs - so XH has had to repay me this money.

I think the problem with women who are intimdated is that believe what their husbands say. He may want the hosue - that doesn;t mean he has any chance of being awarded the hosue (in fact it would probably at least be split equally, if not be awarded in her favour if they have children) he may not want to listen to a court order but if he doesn;t he could go to prison - you have to sign something saying you understand if you flout the court order this is possible. So I think she definitely needs to get legal advice so she is armed with facts.

if she goes for the freee hour (and citizens advice will tell her which local family law solicitors will do this) then she needs to write down all her questions beforehand and take in a notebook and write down all the info. It can help to have someone with you as an extra pair of ears.

Anyway - good luck to her, it is a shitty situation to be in and hope she can escape from it asap. I found the police great - really reassuring about me keeping safe, and when I did have to call them out again at a later date they were here straight away and dealt with him.

AnotherEmma Thu 29-Oct-15 17:16:39

Sounds like you gave her good advice. You could also offer to let her stay with you if she needs to? She might feel that she has nowhere to go. You could also recommend the Lundy Bancroft book(s) but I realise it might be hard for her to read it without him noticing.

JuanPotatoTwo Thu 29-Oct-15 17:45:39

Kurri thank you so much for that long reply, and for sharing some of your experiences, there's lots of useful information in your post. I hope you're in a better place now.

Emma thank you also. I did say she could come here but I knew she would refuse as she doesn't want to leave her house. Also, she has children, chickens and dogs - children I can accommodate, not so sure about the rest (we have cats)! I'll suggest that book to her -her husband does go out to work so she should have some space to read it.

Bogeyface Thu 29-Oct-15 17:48:01

If she logs the violence then she will be entitled to legal aid to help in the divorce. Also, if she leaves the property but states that this is only in order to safeguard herself and her children, that she is not abandoning the marital home, then she is safeguarding her share of it and should be able to return if the house is awarded to her in the divorce.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 29-Oct-15 17:52:40

If there's a record of dv it's possible your friend would be eligible for legal aid to divorce.

In event, if she calls the police when he next kicks off she'll be able to obtain an occupation order to keep him out the house and a non-molestation order to prohbit from approaching her when she's out and about.

Tell her to make contact with Women's Aid

goddessofsmallthings Thu 29-Oct-15 17:54:35

Duh! prohibit him from etc

Friendlystories Thu 29-Oct-15 17:59:39

Minor point, make sure she deletes any internet history from searches for info/help if he's likely to kick off.

JuanPotatoTwo Thu 29-Oct-15 18:27:21

Thank you Bogey, goddess and Fern. I don't know what her financial position is - on the face of it, and judging purely by appearances (which I know is no indication whatsoever) they seem to be ok. But I'll pass on that information to her.

Bogeyface Thu 29-Oct-15 23:58:10

They may be ok, in terms of a nice house, car, bills paid etc, but that doesnt mean that she has access to funds in her own name. It is often the case in abusive relationships.

Bogeyface Fri 30-Oct-15 00:00:20

I think that the best thing that you can do is to get her to post on here herself. She may be diluting the reality of her life and dismissing what you say as "stuff she read on the internet" but posting herself and seeing the replies may help her to see just how bad it is.

You are a good friend smile

popalot Fri 30-Oct-15 09:41:44

I'm afraid she has to work it out herself to some extent. You can only tell her about what is available for her and wait for her to come round to it. Might take a week/month/year/longer. It's frustrating but part and parcel of being the victim of abuse. Sounds like she's on the road to sorting it out because she's talked to you about it and also has got some (unhelpful) legal advice from someone who might not be impartial (if they know the husband too).

coffeeisnectar Fri 30-Oct-15 09:46:29

Women's aid can give her a number of a solicitor who specialises in cases like this. A lot do some pro bono work and will know the best way for her to proceed.

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