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Help with relationship with "D"P(13 Posts)
First time posting here. I am in a "relationship" with a man and have been for a couple of years. I don't intend to drip feed but want some views on whether I am being unreasonable as I may be. There are many issues. At the moment I am trying to gauge how I should react to something that may appear trivial.
I joined an art fund. It worked out that to be able to take my children I had to join as a 2 adults plus children, as there was no single adult with children option. I thought it would be nice to offer my DP the other adult membership and did not ask him to pay anything.
Last week I found an exhibition that I knew he would like and emailed him about it and suggested we go as the fund gave us 50% off. He responded very positively, hadn't been aware of it and suggested we go. Great I thought.
He doesn't tend to plan things in advance really so I thought I will discuss it with him on the weekend as we were both working the day I emailed him. (We do not live together).
On Sunday morning (he had chosen to work Sat so didn't have a lot of time to discuss things), before I have a chance to bring it up he tells me that he will take a day off in the half term (this week) and take one of his daughters to see this exhibition. There was no acknowledgement or statement along the lines of do you mind? I believe he may have said I can go again with you.
Do I have some cause for feeling upset about this as he hadn't known about it until I bought it up and wasn't prepared to commit to a date with me?
It's nice he wants to take his DD but just feel he could have said do you mind. It is probably rolled up with a whole lot of other stuff which makes me wonder about our relationship.
On the info you've given here, you are bring unfair.
You don't live together and I can't even really understand why you would be upset that he would be taking his child out to something you thought he would be interested in.
You are upset because he is going with his daughter and didn't commit to a date with you? Do you see it as YOUR thing as you're the one who told him about it?
I think you're not unreasonable to be hurt that something you thought you'd do as a date is now not one.
I'd say it depends on the language of the email?
"This looks like something you'd enjoy, we have that art fund and could go?"
Is maybe different to,
"I've just seen this, do you want to go with me next week?"
Maybe DP read your email and didn't realise you meant as a date type thing possibly? Maybe he read it as you suggesting he'd like it?
It is something we both would be interested in and the flow of the messages did mean we would go together, I started as we should go to.....
Yes I am hurt that he didn't suggest when we might go after saying he was going this week, not that I need to wait for him of course . Although now if I go on my own I am worried that he will think the wrong thing and yet he won't commit to when we might go together.
It is not about committing to this particular exhibition, it is about committing to do things in the future in general. He tends to expect me to be ready when he is ready to do something, although I have 24/7 responsibility for my children, albeit teenagers and not the most patient if I have to do things for them etc.
His teenage DD lives with her mother fulltime, (which is why I think it is nice they are having a day out together and half term is a really good time. Honestly I think it is great he wants to spend time with her and he will drop things to drive her places etc, so he is good like that).
However he doesn't have to work in her timetable to what he does, like I have to with my children, which is why I like to have an idea, it doesn’t have to be definite, I don’t need my life completely scheduled.
In general he does have a lot more free time than I do, I think this has come on top of other things which makes me feel that he is not committed in general, it’s just how he is, he admits himself he doesn’t like to plan ahead or commit and to keep options open. When we see each other is largely on his terms.
This incident although trivial I think has highlighted after two years I think I should be able to have a conversation and he not get annoyed with me trying to get some indication of when we might do things. I am scared to ask.
Your responses though are useful, as although it might seem a trivial thing to be upset about, it's part of a bigger thing.
He did say he will go with you as well if ive read it right, I'm afraid I don't see the problem.
I think I posted because I wasn't sure why I was feeling upset.
I think now I see I am not upset at him taking his daughter but that I am feeling concerned about trying to talk to him about when or if we will be able to go. I think I am scared of the confrontation. Not that I intend to be confrontational, more than he can be quite short and rude if he feels he is being asked to commit to something he doesn't want to..
He can just snap all of a sudden, but doesn't see it. I have been left standing in a shop as he has stormed out because he didn't like the way he was being looked at by the shop assistant when making an enquiry. I think now I see I am scared of saying the wrong thing.
Posting has actually helped clarify in my head what I was feeling. Thank you.
Basically I am afraid of his temper and was trying to convince myself it was about the exhibition. Thank you all for helping me to see that.
Based on what you said about how he behaves in the shop, I'd end the relationship. He sounds paranoid and very rude.
If you feel like you're walking on eggshells, that's another good reason to end the relationship.
It sounds pretty bad if you are scared of talking about normal stuff like this.
Oh, I think you should get out of this relationship. If this is as good as it gets, in the relatively early stages - angry man being angry - eh, get away from him.
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