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Please could I have your opinions? Possible mum having an affair

(29 Posts)
cutekat0 Thu 29-Oct-15 13:33:36

Do you think my mum is having an affair? Some quick background info.. she is around 50 whereas my dad is around 60, I was very unhappy growing up with her as she told me I was ugly and couldn't wear nice clothes. After my brother was born she stopped playing games with me. Whenever I asked her to play with me she told me she didn't feel like it and this has since spread to her indifference towards me since I turned around 15. I never understood but my dad always spent more time with me as a kid and as a result I get on alot better with my dad than I do my mum. Having said that my dad is quite strict and sort of removed from the world emotionally whereas my mum shows signs of mania. I went to the dr and discussed this with him but he told me my mum would have to seek help herself as they could not intervene. My mum has spent the last ten years or so sat infront of the tv late at night, not going to bed til around 3am or 4am some nights. I know this because I would go down and see her watching tv at 12.30 or she would be asleep with the tv off, I would hear her coming upstairs to bed in the early hours too. Not only this but she would lock me out the house at 9.30pm or 10pm which is silly as I am an adult but she put the catch down so not only do I feel unwanted I feel unloved. I would have to keep ringing the doorbell or call the housephone to get her to answer the door. She would tell me she forgot I was there. Her selfish attitude extends to my grandparents and I watched in horror as she hurt my father when she pulled a chair out and laughed. She has more days off work than anyone should and has interfered with my relationship with my brother. We once got on really well but she has turned him into a bit of a mommas boy and he always defends her. She spent years "being ill" with a headache, I could hear her throwing up in the bathroom but staying up and only getting a few hours sleep will probably do that for you. I had suspicions that she was faking it after a few years of waiting on her (no joke) - her voice quickly turned from a fake sickie into a normal one again and she would be laughing at the tv. Slowly but surely she stopped going out with me and my family. I didn't understand it but saw my dad get annoyed at her one time when we were all going to a family get together. Now present day.. she doesn't get in til 9.30pm and she finishes at 5pm. Over the years she has stayed behind at work but it's a few times a week now and she only does office work so I don't understand the reason why she has got to stay so late. I noticed it would be a certain day of the week a few months ago and I didn't understand it. I asked her what work she was doing and she would say I have so much work to do as I am overworked but honestly, it's hard to see. I watched her promise to make my dying family member some food but then she didn't bother. I shot her an angry look and she said "oh of course I'll make it". What may have struck a chord with her is I think I have stumbled on some evidence that she is cheating.. other than coming home late from work she also had make up under her car seat. I dropped my own make up as the car jolted along a road and I reached down to get it. Her responses were very quick and she told me "don't do that now, wait until the car stops", I ignored her and carried on looking as I just wanted to find my make up and put it away. She said "Don't pull the seat back too far, I'll look for it, don't do it yet, wait until you get out". As we pulled up a few minutes later I had slid the seat back slightly and reached down to find my make up and what looked like a carefully placed lipstick. I was shocked as my mum had told me she doesn't wear lipstick anymore, last time I saw her wear it was probably around 7 years ago roughly. Her instant response was that the lipstick belonged to me and to keep it. I was horrified and told her I didn't want someone elses manky lipstick! She laughed and said my dad must have had another woman in the car. She got up and closed the door and I just stared at the lipstick. My mum will only ever wear brown or neutral coloured eyeshadows and this lipstick was neutral... I was convinced it was hers. The make was also an old make that I thought I had seen some years ago in her bathroom. I left the lipstick on the side in the car and got out. A week or so later she gave me a ride and the lipstick is exactly where I had left it. I made no comment but I was perplexed, either this was a very old lipstick (older than her current car she bought a few years ago) or she had got it from somewhere. The big thing for me is that the lipstick looked like it had been placed there and I'll explain why.. the seat has bars underneath it and it was nestled there snugly as opposed to mine which had fallen all the way down! I know she hoards clothes when my dad gives her cash to go food shopping and she gets the clothes at the same time from the same supermarket and I wondered whether she went shopping for 4 hours after work, maybe that is why she was late home. Where could she be going if she isn't working? I once confronted her about not coming out as I was so angry.. the person who had invited us over their house had put alot of effort into a meal and she didn't go saying she was ill (this is the second time she was invited). My mum got angry and upset telling me she was really ill despite me saying mum you could have made the effort. She doesn't like a particular woman calling up to speak to my dad and sounds jealous whenever he talks to her on the phone. One more thing.. when my dad got back from picking up her car from the repair garage and she was too ill to attend our joint birthday day out, she turned around to me as I was leaving (everyone else was outside) and asked where her car was. I said to her I didn't know and she looked dissapointed and made it obvious to me she was unhappy with my response. She said go ask your dad where it is. I told her it was too late as everyone has already left. I am so sure something is going on, possibly with her boss who she has spoken of before. She makes jokey comments to him at work from what she's told me but she doesn't talk about him as much anymore. I feel so bad for my dad as she is not only nasty to me but to him too. Does anyone have any ideas about her behaviour? It feels like she is hiding something but I don't know what

SoDiana Thu 29-Oct-15 13:42:06

So. Eh. What was your question again? confused
You sound obsessed!

cutekat0 Thu 29-Oct-15 13:43:10

I wanted to go into the details of her behaviour, I realise it's a long post but I felt it was important to get it all out as it is quite upsetting

Blossomflowers Thu 29-Oct-15 13:55:13

Sorry OP you sounds unhinged. I feel sorry for you mum she sounds very unhappy. Why are you still living at home?

timelytess Thu 29-Oct-15 13:57:11

Its upsetting you but that might be because you have your own issues.

Its not your business if your mum is having an affair. If she doesn't want to tell you, there's no reason why she should. You describe your parents' marriage - and it sounds as though they aren't particularly happy together.

Your mum, from what you say, has been particularly horrible to you, and you will have been affected by that. Please get a lot of counselling. It will help. You need to free, or as free as you can, from the hurt and resentment you will inevitably feel as a result of her rejection of you. You don't have to love/understand your mum, but knowing yourself as a separate individual and not being dependent on her approval for your self-worth is important.

So, stop focusing on your mum and what she's up to. Her life, not yours. Not your circus, as they say. Focus on improving your own life. For example, moving out of the parental home might be a great advantage for you, if you could arrange it.

cutekat0 Thu 29-Oct-15 14:00:30

I don't currently live with her but I am describing her behaviour over a number of years. I was stuck there for a long time as I am disabled and it's difficult to get a job that I can do. I don't feel able to discuss this with anyone but online. Basically, my mum stays out for hours after work and I was wondering what other people thought of her behaviour. As far as I'm aware she is still doing that and it really upsets me to think that she would be cheating on my dad. I wouldn't say I am unhinged, far from it. I was just getting my emotions out as you would if you were speaking to someone and I have been bottling it up for a while.

Enoughalreadyyou Thu 29-Oct-15 14:01:30

Your mum is an individual who can live her life as she chooses. You are obsessed and seem to monitor her behaviour. You should move out and get yourself a life.

Enoughalreadyyou Thu 29-Oct-15 14:03:12

Or at least a more productive hobby.

cutekat0 Thu 29-Oct-15 14:03:15

Thanks for your message Tess, I guess it's not my business but I just don't like seeing my dad and other people being hurt and I have seen far too much of that. She has upset alot of people

Blossomflowers Thu 29-Oct-15 14:05:10

I agree with timely you need to seek help and take control of you life and stop obsessing what you mum is doing or not doing.

cutekat0 Thu 29-Oct-15 14:05:52

I don't live with her anymore, I was fortunate to get out and her behaviour still affects those around me including a dying family member I care for who can't eat. So I find it upsetting, I just wanted to talk about it and people telling me I'm obsessed it pretty upsetting too. She goes around hurting people and doing whatever she likes. I just wanted to know whether people think she is having an affair

cutekat0 Thu 29-Oct-15 14:29:01

I have hobbies and have worked despite my disablitity but it has held me back which is why I was living at home (now moved out) and have witnessed her behaviour, it is not obsessive, just what I've seen for so long. Maybe I care too much about my dad getting hurt and should just forget about it

SoDiana Thu 29-Oct-15 14:35:39

Just leave it all alone.

SoDiana Thu 29-Oct-15 14:37:27

Btw I don't think she's having an affair

captainproton Thu 29-Oct-15 14:38:17

Parts of your mothers behaviour reminded me of mine. The being sick and odd hours at night. She was secretly drinking and binging on diazepam. Also she did her best to drive a wedge between her children, and had very little interest in anything anyone else did or arranged unless she was the centre of attention.

No doubt my mother was depressed and needed help but no matter what we did she just refused it.

In the end her alcohol abuse got worse, we discovered it, she became violent and we went NC.

The only advice I can give is to distance yourself from your mother you will drive yourself crazy trying to sort it out. You can't.

Whatevva Thu 29-Oct-15 14:43:34

It sounds like your family dynamics are very complex.

You need to take a step back, take care of yourself, and I am sure all will come clear, eventually.

I don't think it is anything you can sort out.

onlyif Thu 29-Oct-15 14:45:21

I think you need a friend in rl who can help you to rationalize your feelings. I think right now its none of your business what your mum is doing.
If you are a carer for someone aswell as being disabled yourself you maybe need some support, can you speak to your gp?

Fugghetaboutit Thu 29-Oct-15 14:51:40

I agree, I don't understand why you're so obsessed with her when she's been horrible to you.

Cut her off and just go about your life.

Blossomflowers Thu 29-Oct-15 15:08:06

If you are upset about the ill family member then why don't you feed them. Sorry I do not mean to be harsh.

pocketsaviour Thu 29-Oct-15 15:10:05

It's good to hear you're out of the family home, op, but you do sound very invested still in your parents relationship.

It sounds like you want her to be having an affair. Why would that be? do you feel it would give your dad the push to leave her and be happier on his own? Or do you want people to judge her and be angry at her behaviour?

She has not been a good mum to you and you don't have to feel guilty for bring angry with her, or look for a "better" reason to cut her off.

cutekat0 Thu 29-Oct-15 15:17:02

Captain Proton and Whatevva, thank you for your posts, it is very soothing. It is nice to feel on the same wavelength smile I care an awful lot about people and sometimes a little too much. I will take a back seat and just keep my distance from her. It isn't my life to live and although my mum has been very unkind to me there is a part of me who says she is still my mum and wants to help her. At the same time I am very angry with her behaviour towards myself and alot of other people, the dissapointment and rejection hurts but you know what, I really don't care anymore. You guys are right, I can't help her but I can look after myself smile Blossomflowers, another family member likes to feed the ill one but I do take care of them. I would have no issues feeding my ill family member as I love her so so much, I would do anything for her if she asked. She smiles each time she sees me and reaches for my hand, it is nice to know I make a difference and to feel loved in return

goddessofsmallthings Thu 29-Oct-15 15:48:32

The lack of paragraphs makes your long OP very difficult to read and it's hard to work out exactly what your problem is.

From what I can glean, you felt displaced after the birth of your brother and gravitated towards your df. However, as you've described him as being emotionally detached from the world around him, I suspect his behaviour is not the best yardstick for you to have used in judging your dm whether or not your dm 'shows signs of mania'.

Imo it was presumptious of you to discuss this with your family doctor without first having raised it with your dm or spoken to your df, but at least you were told that it was none of your business only your dm could seek professional help if, indeed, she has mental (or physical) health issues which, it seems to me, she doesn't.

When you dropped your make up in your dm's car while she was driving, she rightly told you to stop trying to pick it up while the vehicle was moving. If she was trying to hide the lipstick you found when the car stopped, she would have insisted on looking for your make up herself. The lipstick could be hers, but it could be equally belong to friend or acquaintance she gave a lift to at some time or, as you've suggested, to the previous owner of the car.

You seem so fixated on the possibility of your dm having an affair that you've ignored the possibility that her jealously when a certain woman calls your df may indicate that he's the one who's unfaithful.

In any event, it seems to me that you would benefit from counselling to address the way in which your apparently dysfunctional relationship with your dm is adversely affecting you to the extent that you're continuing to go over old ground and find cause to support your contention that your dm is having an affair even though you no longer live at home.

The bottom line is that your dps' relationship is entirely their own business, just as any adult relationships you enter into are no business of theirs. By all means work towards having a better relationship with your dm, but put your suspicions to one side before attempting to achieve any improvement in the way you relate to her.

Enoughalreadyyou Thu 29-Oct-15 15:48:52

You sound like a truly loving person but remember to look after yourself firstflowers

Whatevva Thu 29-Oct-15 16:01:56

Yes I agree - look after yourself first. You will be better at dealing with everything else and helping others if you are looked after and you are the best person to do this flowers

cutekat0 Thu 29-Oct-15 16:05:24

Thank you, I do have suspicions something is wrong due to something she told me a while ago, I caught her upset and she explained something to me that I am going to keep to myself but either way, she has not treated me well and told me when she brought me home after giving birth she did not know what to do with me. I told her it was ok and gave her a hug but years and years of emotional abuse takes its toll. She told me a few times I needed to lose weight and to dress in smaller sizes, other times she refused to leave the house without me changing my clothes. Now I am not huge or tiny I am average size and my clothes were fine, respectable clothes not slobby or unkempt. I think she gets jealous of other people my dad interacts with and personally I see no issue with guys and girls being friends. I don't think my dad would have the heart to cheat on my mum and I as a person am very loyal to those around me who love me and care for me. I just agree with the other posters in the fact that I should just have minimal contact and to stay out of whatever is going on. I think my dad deserves better if she was indeed cheating but I am never going to know and I can't think about it anymore. As far as mental problems goes I don't think staying up each night and working on 3 hours sleep is normal, I only went to my Dr as I didn't feel like I could talk to her about it. I have spent years trying to have a good relationship with her but I don't think she wants one, I think she just wants to focus on herself and be the centre of attention, similar to what Captain Proton was saying earlier. I think the best course of action is to just walk away from her with minimal contact, I will probably never know and I'm starting to think I don't want to know

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