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Don't know how to carry on like this

(15 Posts)
Circleofsadness Thu 29-Oct-15 10:18:54

Very very long story short. Ex husband walked out on me & our 2 kids 3 years ago. The children were 6 months and 3.5 at the time. For about 6 months before he left he had been saying he didn't know if he loved me anymore and emotionally removed himself from me often coming home late and barely speaking to me etc. I spent those 6 months in absolute pieces, trying to get him to go to councelling or doctors for depression etc with no luck.
When he finally said he was moving out I was kind of relieved as I didn't want to live in limbo but obviously heart broken too.
A few months later he said he wanted to come back (after living with his parents) but as I got talking to him he admitted it was only for our girls that he wanted to come back and not for me. I pretty much told him to stick it as I didn't want him to come back for the sake of the kids as I knew we wouldn't be happy if he didn't love me.
I kind of put myself in survival mode, went back to work, put our house up for sale and started divorce proceedings.
Fast forward 2 years later & in exchanging some text messages he implied he does love me & made a mistake.
I told him to do something about it & maybe we could talk & left the ball in his court and he never mentioned it again. I fell to peices all over again & got some councelling and started picking myself up.
It's a year on from then, I've met a lovely man who has been through something similar and all has been great so far, however, for some reason Ive started feeling really really down. I can't shake it. I really like my new guy I have strong feelings for him and want fall madly in love but I still feel like I'm in love with my ex.
We were together a very long time I wanted the whole perfect fairy tale, all my friends are happily married & we are the only ones who didn't make it and I feel like it was all for nothing & that I totally failed. He didn't have an affair he just got fed up of life I suppose.
I feel like I should have tried harder or something? We get on well now I obviously see him cause of the children and every time I see him my heart breaks slightly more.
I dont feel like I'm living my own life I feel like I'm watching someone else. I can't stop crying & if it wasn't for my children I feel like I could just run away forever.
I can't really talk to anyone about it as I'm so confused as to how I'm feeling and these feelings come and go in 6 month spurts. I get the impression my ex isn't happy and I can't help but wonder if we are both sitting her unhappy because of the same things or if I need to get a grip and let it go!

pallasathena Thu 29-Oct-15 11:54:39

Maybe its trust issues? And who can blame you if that's what it is. You can't trust your own feelings because - as you said - 'you're the only ones who didn't make it.' You can't trust ex because he walked away and caused you so much pain. You can't trust what he means when he tells you he's made a mistake. It could happen again with him. He has form now for walking away. And you can't trust your feelings with new guy because well, what if?
No wonder you're in a predicament. I would be too If it was me.

I think I'd take this whole dilemma that you're in as a sign that you're meant to move on from both of them. The ex is too risky, the new man is nice but not 'the one,' you've come this far on your own why go backwards?

I remember going back to my ex because he said he missed me, had made a mistake, didn't mean what he'd said. It just prolonged the inevitable and a year later we separated then divorced.The trust had gone you see and despite trying, I couldn't get it back. If you can't trust, you can't love. It was a relief to end it. You may find its a relief to do the same.

pocketsaviour Thu 29-Oct-15 11:56:00

Haven't got much advice op but didn't want to read and run.

Perhaps up until now you've still been subconsciously hoping to get back together and now reality is seeping in and you're grieving your marriage again?

Seeyounearertime Thu 29-Oct-15 12:04:27

Personally, if it were me.
I'd let go of the past, don't do déjà vu, but that will be hard as it sound like you still blame yourself for choice someone else made, which is a bit daft imo.
Your ex got bored, your ex ended it, your ex left etc etc.
If I were you I'd keep seeing new guy, he evidently makes you happy, try to put the past in a box and learn from it. Tough though.

ILiveAtTheBeach Thu 29-Oct-15 12:11:45

Problem is that you didn't only lose your H, you also lost your best friend. Of course you will grieve for that. Because you have kids, he will be in your life forever. Hopefully some way down the line, you can be friends again.

Circleofsadness Thu 29-Oct-15 13:10:58

Thanks for your replies. I think all of you are right in different ways. How do I move forward though? I think I've moved on, start feeling happy again & bam 6 months to a year later I start feeling like this again & feel crap.
I just wish I could turn back the clock sad
I'm so sad x

Muckogy Thu 29-Oct-15 13:27:03

i wouldn't take him back.
ever.
he fucked off when you were at your most vulnerable and didn't give as much as a backward glance.
you may also assume that he has a OW squirrelled away somewhere. i'd find it hard to believe he has been celibate all this time.

don't compare your life to your friends.
expect at least one divorce amongst your group within the next 10 years. you just happen to be the first who has separated, but you will not be the last.

it's all a bit dog in the manger, isn't it? he sees you happy with someone else and now wants to muscle in and fuck it all up a second time. some men just have a natural instinct to fuck something and then piss on it. don't let him do this you again.

Circleofsadness Thu 29-Oct-15 13:45:17

I've asked him if he's seen anyone since we split and he's always said no. I can actually believe it as he's a bit socially retarded (lol), his life is his work & is still living with his parents plus I'm pretty sure he would have told me the truth when I asked.
Maybe I'd feel I could be happy if I knew he was? Or maybe I don't feel like I can love this new guy the way I loved him? I don't know but i feel like I'm falling down a dark hole that I can't get out of sad

Jan45 Thu 29-Oct-15 15:34:07

You definitely need to get a grip, he deserted you and told you he didn't love you anymore, I'd question whether there was OW involved, he isn't going to tell you.

I am sorry but you either love someone or you don't, he wants to come back to be with his kids, not you, I think you know deep down it was over a long time ago.

There's nothing more time wasting than yearning for a man who has treated you appalling, why open yourself up yet again to be let down, he is simply not on your page, invest in your current relationship, not one that is dead in the water.

Candlefairy101 Thu 29-Oct-15 16:10:01

I can tell that you want to be back with him and your just waiting for one person to say go for it, if I was you I'd say sod what my head says and go with my heart, if it doesn't work out at least you can be rest assured that you tried, later in life if you meet someone and it doesn't work out your always be say 'what if I just stayed with my husband' what's if's drive people crazy lol! Everyone makes mistakes and it's taken him a while to probably find himself and real side (just like you) that you two are never going to love anyone else as much as you love each other x

springydaffs Thu 29-Oct-15 16:45:47

This is precisely the sort of thing that needs counseling . There's a programme running in the background (in your subconscious), you need to find out what it is so you can shut it down.

Fwiw what stands out to me is 'the dream' - which fell apart and didn't deliver.

Plus you sound guilty about him.

You say you wish you could turn back the clock - to what? To have another run at 'the dream'? But the dream disintegrated, which was his choice. How woul

springydaffs Thu 29-Oct-15 16:51:35

How would turning back the clock change anything?

Get thee to a counsellor flowers

Shinyhappypeople9 Thu 29-Oct-15 16:54:42

But he had his chance and didn't take it! I would let this go and move on. It will just cause you more pain in the future if you don't.

Shinyhappypeople9 Thu 29-Oct-15 16:57:07

Candle- he isn't begging her to try again. The texts were a year ago and he turned down the chance the OP gave him.

Circleofsadness Thu 29-Oct-15 18:38:49

Yes the text was over a year ago now, he isn't a talker it took me a while to get out anything from him but he did finally admit he still loved me. I left the ball in his court and nothing came of it. Our marriage was like that, he never initiated anything and never really talked or opened up and nothing got done unless I took the reigns & I didn't want to this time as it had to be his terms. He's never mentioned anything about it since.

Turning back the clock might not have changed anything but I feel like I should have tried harder, as in, not got divorced, sold the house so quickly etc and maybe not tried to play the "I don't care" anymore card. I dunno. It sounds stupid now I write it down!
He did say once that he thought he had done the right thing because I "rushed into a divorce and selling the house" so thought it was what I wanted to but really I just went into survival mode for me and the kids.

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