Scared of leaving and being lonely

[openparachute]

I have to leave my partner. We've been together five years and I've only recently had a light-bulb moment where I realised this is not a healthy relationship, in fact it's a terrible relationship.

It started by isolating me from my friends, telling me that they're horrible people and I can do much better. I moved a long way from home to be with him, he didn't earn a lot so I paid for most things, which didn't really leave me with any disposable income. I got into debt because he didn't help with anything finance related, which I'll officially be out of on the 1st December.

He has always drank a lot, this adds to the issues with finances because he spends all his money at the pub. I think he's an alcoholic. He's not dependant on alcohol (in so much as he doesn't drink every day) but when he does drink (which I'd say is 3-5 times a week) he'll knock back 5 pints or more like water and his mood becomes intolerable. We never go out together or go on holiday as a couple. If we do go out it's to the pub with his friends, our only holidays have been with them, we usually drive to France. I drive. With him and 3 friends. It's not a holiday for me.

So why have I stayed? I'm not sure. At first I was young and naive. Then the emotional manipulation started. I think it started with him getting overly possessive, telling me very early on how we can never be without me, he'd likely kill himself if I left. Then he started being horrible, how my friends were useless idiots, my parents were selfish and were horrible people. Then he'd start on me, telling me I'm useless and my life would be a mess without him. My confidence and self worth is completely gone.

Things have been really bad lately. He's under treatment for his mental health, and I had a meeting with his team on my own earlier this week. I was fully open for the first time about his behaviour. They were concerned about his drinking and the way in which he manipulates me, which involve acting out badly if we ever have an argument. This acting out usually involves self harm, making it a spectacle and blaming me.

Alongside this he will wait until I'm exhausted, so usually late in night when I want to go to bed, to tell me what an awful person I am, how I am boring, how our relationship is perfect and I'm living in a fantasy if I think an 'equal partnership' relationship exists. He says that I'll never find anyone like him, I'd regret leaving him and I'd be forever lonely. Yet he still tells me he adores me completely and never wants to leave me.

I'm emotionally worn down but I'm doing what I can to help myself. I'm starting private counselling to help with my confidence. I've joined some local groups to try and make friends.

I have to leave but I'm terrified. I don't have any friends right now of my own. I'd have to move out, find another place and I'm so scared of being alone. That's what's keeping me here.

Because of this I'm unable to tell him that it's over, I've tried, but I just buckle.

I'm sure loads of people have (unfortunately) been in my situation before. I guess I just want a handhold and someone to tell me it will be OK.

Thanks for reading.

[Floundering]

Oh sweetie yes of course you will be ok! Look at the huge steps you have made already, getting counselling to help you get clarity on your position, & strength to act on it.
Can you move back to family for the first few weeks?
Your chap is ill & abusive & he will bring you down with him I you stay .

Have you tried contacting Women's Aid? They will help you in practical ways & suggest things to help.

I bet if you told your parents they'd say "thank god" & come & get you.

You can be lonely in a relationship, when you are away from him & start your new life you will get stronger & more confident & make all sorts of friends.

Give yourself credit for making that huge first step in acknowledging you need to get out.

[openparachute]

Thank you floudering I can't stay with family as unfortunately they live 4 hours away. They are lovely and know I want to leave and fully support my wanting to leave.

It sounds so silly! I want to leave, my family want me to leave, but I just feel completely unable to do anything about it. I tried looking at places I could move to last night, houseshares etc, and got so upset because I felt utterly alone and terrified.

[Justmuddlingalong]

You are terrified because he's chipped away at your confidence. Don't be afraid of a new future. Lots of MNs have been in abusive relationships, made the leap and are daily relieved that they did. You will find lots of support on practical and emotional issues here. We're all rooting for you.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

Those are totally normal feelings: anyone fears the loneliness of singledom when facing a break-up. And for you this is reinforced by fear of taking action, since it's been your role in this relationship to be the "helpless" partner to his "dominant" bully. So you've been trained to feel that you are incapable.

But you're not! You are in fact very, very capable. Look at it this way: it takes a person of great strength to put up with as much shit as you have. You can put that same strength to good use by making it serve you now, as you take your steps towards freedom.

You can do it. You deserve it.

[timelytess]

you'll be free. you'll start small and build up a full 'life' for yourself.

you've come so far. your opening post shows it. you're going to be fine. well done, and good luck.

[Floundering]

Do talk to WA, they may be able to help you with transport back to your parents, or emergency accommodation , it may only be in a hostel but as a stepping stone away from him it would be a start.

Just talk to them in the first instance they are a good start or have you a Citizens advice bureau near you they may be able to help with practicalities.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Can you describe something that you specifically terrified of? What does this being alone look like to you?

[openparachute]

You guys are lovely, thank you for the reassurance.

[openparachute]

Hi red

I'm terrified that I won't find a place to live. That if I do I might have awful house mates that don't like me. That I won't make any friends.

There still is a little bit of me that worries about my partner. Will he be ok. Will he have enough money, be able to look after himself etc. I know that this isn't my problem, but it still concerns me.

[Justmuddlingalong]

I rented a tiny, tiny room in a house at first. I made loads of friends, through work, socialising and groups. I regained my confidence and now 15 years later I shudder at the thought of still being in that shitty relationship. And I mourn the years I wasted on him. Don't waste any more time. Your family being supportive is a bonus, they want to see you happy too. Don't stay out of pity, start living a happier life.

[openparachute]

Thank you just. That's what I want to do, get my confidence back. I'm a shell right now. I'm so glad things worked out for you.

He keeps telling me I won't live happier life. But I guess that's to keep me there!

[Justmuddlingalong]

He keeps telling me I won't live happier life. < That's a line from the 'How to be an abusive bully' handbook. It's all part of the plan to keep you feeling worthless and isolated, so you'll stay with him. And it's all bullshit. Your old self will come back, mine did. But while he's spouting poison and you listen to him, you'll never move on. Don't see the future as scary, see it as an opportunity to be happy again.

[openparachute]

Don't see the future as scary, see it as an opportunity to be happy again.

I think this needs to be my motivation!

[Jan45]

You can do this, this guy is seriously warped n the head, you are not a psychotherapist so it's not your job to fix him, he's probably unfixable.

He isn't capable of a loving relationship, he only knows anger, verbal abuse and put downs, that's not love, far from it.

Contact WA, you are exactly the type of person they want to help and call on your family, tell them everything, what is happening to you is very traumatic, your stress will be relieved as soon as you get out this nasty situation, and that's all it is, be good to yourself, you deserve to be happy, not living in the shadow of a bully.

[RedMapleLeaf]

I'm terrified that I won't find a place to live. That if I do I might have awful house mates that don't like me. That I won't make any friends.

You need to break each of these assumptions down. How likely is this outcome? What alternative outcomes are possible? What could you do to make your desired outcome even more likely?

E.g. "I won't find a place to live".
Well, this is a possibility of course but it's much more likely that actually you could make a list of 20 possible places. How to make this more likely? Start searching for properties you like the look of, speak to some estate agents. Perhaps view a couple of places with no intention to choose them but just to get more information on how likely it is that you could find somewhere.

I might have awful house mates that don't like me.
Again, this is possible. However it's more likely that you'll have house mates who are indifferent or merely civil and at least one you'll get fairly close to and become friends with.

[RedMapleLeaf]

The other thing to consider is the other option - of keeping things as they are. What is the cost-benefit analysis of not changing your situation at all?

[iloverunning36]

Yes I left with 3 kids and no job and now we are in a happy home. It was hard but as a wise mumsnetter told me you only need to do it once. My ex also said I would regret leaving (I don't and if I had I could have gone back as he begged for ages) I doubt any flat mates could be as horrible as he is. Just have a look on gumtree or if you are part of a church or know someone who is you might find something that way (I have a lovely Christian friend who lets out her spare room and is the sort of person you just feel good for having spent time with - this is just one option - I am sure there are many)

[springydaffs]

Freedom Programme! Google it now, click 'find a course' and get on it asap.

It will open your eyes and it will set you free. You will also meet other ordinary, lovely woman in a similar position.

He has brainwashed you, using techniques that are not remotely sophisticated though highly effective, that you won't survive without him. He is wrong.

Once you break through the spell he has spun around you, you will be amazed how easy it is to be without him, how glorious it is to be alone. He is one sick man.

This has happened to so many of us btw, regardless of intelligence etc. You are far from alone

[marzipanmaggie]

Just wanted to add my voice to this.... I kicked my H out earlier this year for reasons which were similar to yours. I was also absolutely terrified of being lonely, scared, breaking up the family etc.

Its absolutely normal to feel like this, you woudn't be human if you didn't have some fear of walking away from something you've invested so much into and add to this the obvious psychological torment he puts onto you and this magnifies the situation.

All I can tell you is when I actually did it I knew immediately that it was one of the best things I've ever done and I have never had so much as a moment of doubt. My life is in some ways harder, occasionally it is scary, I'm skint and I wonder what the future will be like. But I'm free and I'm myself. As someone said up thread, its an opportunity to be who you want to be again.

The scariest point by far is the point you're at.

[springydaffs]

Absolutely this is the hardest part. The breaking through the forcefield part.

I remember it well (argh)

[Floundering]

Please get your family on board too, 4 hrs away may seem a mountain but I bet if you called, they'd find some way to get to you to collect you.

Keep telling yourself you are strong, and capable of a better life (& bloody deserve it!) Repeat it like a mantra & eventually your brain will let you believe it. :)

[Justmuddlingalong]

How're things OP ? Have you managed to take a few steps forward? Hope you are feeling a bit stronger and more positive about the future.

[upaladderagain]

You say you fear being lonely, but there is no more lonely feeling than being with someone who makes you feel so bad about yourself. Being alone is much less painful, and very different from being lonely. And once you are away from his poisonous influence you get the chance to start to value yourself again. And when you value yourself so will others, so you won't be alone.