Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I need to piece stuff together (possible triggering)(29 Posts)
You may well recognise parts of this, I have messaged before about bits of my life. I need to put this all together to know who I am and what I do next.
I am the youngest of six children, I am aged 51, I don't feel at peace in my life or happy.
I was a very very lonely child, my brothers and sisters were a fair bit older than me and as children were very close and did lots together. I was a mistake, often told to me by my siblings and made clear to me by my parents. I was an only child in a large family. I will give you some examples just so you understand.
Christmas night one year the local pub decided to open, but it was only for over 16s, all my brothers and sisters were over that age, so everyone left me on Christmas night and went and had fun, while I was left alone.
Another year, I was possibly 15/16, it was New Year's Eve, I was invited to a party, but I was only allowed to go if I was back by 11.30???? I walked home alone from the party, knowing no one would be in, everyone of the family was out doing their own thing and I sat alone. No one knew if I was home or not, but I wouldn't defy my parents by staying out.
My birthday is in January, I was never given present as it was too close to Christmas, I was instructed however to tell anyone who asked, that I got money.
My mother particularly didn't like me, but that is a whole different thread.
As children we used to visit an aunt and uncle who had a small holding, my uncle abused myself and my sisters. We have discussed this, I seemed to have suffered more, probably as I was often left alone when the others went off the small holding to do stuff together, I was more of a target.
In addition to this, when I was 14 (a very young and naive 14) I started to babysit for a friend of my parents, the husband can only what I can describe as "groomed" me, he took my virginity, used me, got me to perform all sorts of sexual acts. I accept my part in this, I went wilingly, I thought he loved me, I thought he was going to leave his wife for me. I was very very young for my age, very naive.
When I first started dating my husband, my one and only boyfriend at 18, I didn't go near any other boys since the babysitting stuff. I told him about the friend of the parents. He was massively angry with me, screaming why did I do that stuff, I remember I ran and hid in a dustbin shelter behind one of those really large bins. Eventually he left and I went home. He of course was massively sorry the next day, blah blah and eventually I married him.
I became a very strong person, I got into a job that was a good career path and was/am doing well.
We have two sons, they have now left home, the most recent was around four months ago.
I never told my husband about the uncle, nor would I have done, however my sister did.
So, I am a strong person, the only thing my husband can hurt me with is the sexual abuse, largely we have a happy marriage, but along the way he has used the abuse to hurt me. I think he previously had a porn habit which I think stopped after my finding evidence of him paying for stuff last Christmas Day, previously I would have reacted differently to finding this stuff but that day I just broke down. I just cried, something he probably didn't expect. He had been distant and not wanting to have sex with me, now I know why again, I had had enough and I didn't want him to be near me. I have seen a big difference since then, but I'm not sure it's enough.
Examples of over the years what he has said, done......
On more than one occasion, I have been told "I don't act like a sex abuse victim", not sure how an abuse victim acts, but I refuse for the previous people in my life hurt me know.
Not long after marriage, it was my birthday, again we had not made love for sometime, I tried to initiate it. I couldn't see why he would not ant me, long story short, he did start but then as we were kissing he viciously but me and told me I was too fat and turned him off. Lots of stuff was said that night, I was devastated and can remember everything like it was yesterday. The next day he came to my office to apologise, he could've came to my office the previous day to wish me happy birthday, but he did nothing for my birthday, I got the wine, I got the did, he did nothing. But then he is sorry.
A lot of the time over the years he has gone off me, I have very rarely not wanted him or if I didn't I would often "pleasure" him, willingly I would add. Howeve, i remember once that I suggested that maybe even if he didn't want sex with me, he could repay the "favour" after all our sex life wasn't all about him. He agreed, I felt he was being a bit clumsy, but a little way into it, he said, you can't possibly be enjoying this, I realised then he was actually deliberately attempting make me physically uncomfortable.
There is more, but that's some examples, I will add there have been years gone by without incident at times.
So this leads me to today, I feel massive anger about everything over the years. Bizarrely, not about my abusers, but about my husband. They didn't love me, my husband said/says he does. I cannot move on, I time after time, week after week, month after month keep going over what's happened. Things are good in the marriage at the moment but today was one of my bad days, another row about the same things, I at times feel hatred, I need to find closure.
I keep asking him the same questions, why? Why did you say/do those things, why did you take my most inner feelings and use them against me? Why? Why? Why?
I need to be able to forgive and move on, I'm hurting again today. How do i do this?
Sometimes he gets angry and says that some of the stuff was 30 years ago, he is right, some is. I cannot seem to let it go, I feel so low again today and I just need to find some peace. Other times he is massively apologetic, he is desperate for us not to separate, I don't think I want that either.
I don't know what I expect any of you to say, but it's helped me writing a lot of it down. Sorry it's so long.
Sorry to add, the majority of our marriage is fantastic, I would say we are best friends. I do love him.
But these feelings are killing me and our relationship.
Sorry I keep thinking of stuff, the previous night we had made love, I cried after, I don't know why, I just did. We had a great weekend, been out, danced had friends over. But this week again it's all back in my head.
for you now and littlefraggled
You're still carrying a lot of pain and misplaced guilt about your childhood. Picking it over with a sensitive counsellor is a good idea.
I have thought about counselling, but I do feel that I have come to terms with my childhood. I just feel so massively angry at what my husband has done over the years. I could never talk to anyone I know about this, that would feel like giving someone power over me.
Fraggled you have been through a lot. Your husband has no right to tell you how you should feel or behave, nobody does. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. It is ok for you to feel your won feelings. I agree that counselling would be a good idea. The truth does set you free, and certainly does not give other people power over you, I think it was Eleanor Rosevelt who said nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Focus on yourself, and respect your own feelings. Why do you think you cried the other night?
I don't know really why I cried, I just feel that my sexual life is so spoiled. Not only because of the abuse, but because of it all being used against me. I just felt empty after something that should be enjoyable. I'm not sure why now, but it just keeps boiling up and spelling over, it seems to be happening more often.
When we had words last night, he said that had he known about the abuse by the uncle he would never of had them at our wedding, never have shook his hand etc etc. I tried to explain that I at that time was a different person, that I did stuff to keep the peace. No I wouldn't do it now, but I was different back then. It was all about how he felt, not that he wouldn't of wanted him there because he wouldn't have wanted it to upset me.
I've told him the reason why I would not tell him about the uncle was the way he behaved when I told him about the family friend. I wish I'd never told him a thing, I think I would be in a better place now had I not told and had my sister kept quiet.
In fairness I do keep going on and on about it, the past can't be changed, I need to either move on or take the massive decision to end the relationship.
I'm not sure how I can do either.
I so badly want to stop this feeling of being let down, I really do.
Don't let yourself down. Look after yourself, do nice things for yourself. Why do you wish that your sister hadn't told people?
I think your husband is continuing the cycle of abuse.
You don't need this in your life.
I agree with Chief OP, I'm sorry but I really do think this is the case.
You need counselling to work through what happened to you as a child- all of it- parents, siblings, abusers. Please don't blame yourself for what happened to you at 14- you didn't play a part in it- you were groomed OP- you were a child.
I really think therapy would make a big difference- you can access counselling through your gp surgery sometimes- could you make an app and get a referral?
Regarding your dh I get the impression you want things to improve rather than you moving on from the marriage- have you considered leaving as an option? It sounds like your dh is very destructive emotionally
I wish my sister hadn't told my husband, it just made me look even worse to him. I can't handle the "why didn't you do this or that" .... I don't know why I didn't, I don't understand it so how can I expect anyone else too?
You are all saying counselling, maybe that is the right path? I am also scared that having counselling may be the final nail in the coffin for the marriage. I think counselling maybe very painful and make me reevaluate my life.
Thank you all for your replies, they have given me help.
I'm so sorry op you have been betrayed by nearly every member if your family including your husband, it seems nothing of yours was ever treated as sacred, and your husband continues this on from your family and abusers.
You have not found closure for the past as it seems your still living it in the here and now, your husband is just another abuser in your life, he shows no ounce of compassion or understanding. The fact he tried to replicate a painful sexually abusive moment from your past and blamed you for not acting like a victim, is mind blowing in its cruelty.
That alone should have earns him a visit from the police.
Please if you feel strong enough try and take a step towards freeing yourself from this destructive cycle of self blame and introspection.
You were not and never to blame for any of this, tell your husband that when you hand him the divorce papers, and spend the rest of your life trying to find some peace of mind.
Sorry for the late reply, it has been an exhausting couple of days. I think I realise I do need counselling, I need to close this off. I have done some research, I think I will start with a telephone session, I need to feel what it feels like to talk, I'm not feeling really ok about telling everything. But I am going to try, it can't make me feel worse and all of you say the same.
Why at this moment I am feeling so desperately sad, I don't know, I just do get this from time to time.
My H, I tried to talk to last night, I was very emotional and tried to explain how he made me feel. The problem is he lied to me, he said he hadn't known the parents friend scenario was when I was 14, he thought I was 16. That is a blatant lie, he knew I was a child, to be honest by him saying that he again to me, (although I may be over analysing) is saying well you were 16, so it was no big deal??? He knew how old I was, I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. He also said that when my sister told, it was possible for me to lie and say she was talking about 1000 other things, I could've got out of him finding out. When she blurted it out, I was like a rabbit in the headlights, I couldn't think of anything to say but the truth. Really he just doesn't want to know about the early part of my life. Maybe with counselling I won't feel the need to include him in this aspect of my life.
You sound like you're blaming yourself for your grooming and rape by the family friend, and by your uncle.
Your willingness at 14 doesn't excuse anything. At 14 you were a child, he was a peadophille. You weren't emotionally capable of having a healthy sexual relationship and giving your consent as an adult because you were a child. You can't continue to blame yourself for that. You can't judge yourself as a child as you would be have now as an adult.
Likewise with your uncle.
And now you accept the abuse of your husband.
I can't say what's going on in your head but can only relay one of my issues. Up until this year I blamed myself for my rape as a 14 year old, I thought I was partly responsible. I've carried guilt with me for that. Felt I somehow deserved it. Have blamed myself ever since for not speaking out and had the guilt of wondering what else he's done to others over the years.
Therefore I've welcomed the pain in my life as my retribution, when there hasn't been any I've self destructed and caused my own. Yours is your husband!
I'm working through all this with help. You can too
I really don't want my marriage to end, I'm sad that my abusers still have that much power over me, this many years on.
I just cannot seem to get my husband to understand I was different then, I've tried to explain, I've tried to say that it just seemed easier to me to brush it all under the carpet then. To be honest had I had tried to stand up then, I'm not sure I would've been believed by anyone.
I just want him to believe that it hurt me then and it hurts me now, but his attitude hurts me the most.
I think it's inevitable that when you were treated so badly by so many people, you would make a bad choice of a husband. You didn't know at that time what kindness looked like and how a man behaved when he respected you.
Your husband has made your abusive background all about him and that is a disgusting thing to do.
I don't think you will recover as long as you are living with him. I do think it can be very hard to live with someone who was abused, but your husband is abusing you again on a different level. You really need to break the cycle, leave your husband and get really good counselling via your GP.
I just cannot seem to get my husband to understand I was different then
By saying this you are accepting blame for the rapes and child abuse you suffered.
You were a child and no child is responsible for an adult abusing them.
Your husband is a cunt for not setting you straight on this.
Yours has to be one of the saddest threads I've read in a long time
You say you feel sad because the abusers have power still and that they are impacting on your relationship with your husband. But it's not about the abusers really when it comes to your marriage. It's about your husband. If he'd have supported you and told you it was alright, things would be different. You would feel loved and protected rather than feeling blamed. He has been so very cruel to harbour resentment to you for what happened to you as a child and to actually vocalise that and make you feel guilty.
You are exceptionally strong to have emerged from your lonely childhood and to have coped with the double abuse you suffered. I am sorry that you ended up with a man who did the very opposite of the thing that you needed to help you heal.
He needs educating about what it means to be a victim of sexual abuse. But even if he wakes up from his ignorance, can you forgive him for the lack of compassion and support over the past 30 years?
I can only say what others have said, you really need to start some counselling to help you understand that all the abuse you have been through has been non of your fault. Don't give in if the first person you speak to you don't feel comfortable talking to, there are plenty of counsellors out there and you will find one you are comfortable with.
i just cannot seem to get my husband to understand I was different then*
You weren't different, You were a child, a child who didn't have the support of a family. A completely blame free child. Try and remember that when talking about the abuse you suffered from parents, uncle and family friend.
Thank you all, I'm going to make an appointment with my GP next week. I think I've hit rock bottom, not sure why now, nothing has changed significantly, but I just feel dreadfully sad.
I accept I need to speak about this, even speaking behind a screen has helped, I've cried at every response. You've all said the same thing, I need help, you can't all be wrong. What will happen with my marriage I don't know, I expect that once I feel stronger and maybe forgiven myself that I will end the marriage.
Although, would I ever tell another partner about this........here and now I would say I never would!
Thank you for your responses xxx
Did you say that your husband bit you and told you you were fat while having sex?
I'm sorry but it's not your childhood abuse which has ruined your marriage, it's your husband's horrible nature and vile attitude towards you. If you had a nice husband who was caring and sweet you may have been able to process this a long time back.
To add, this happened 28!yesrs ago and he thinks I should've moved on. I didn't leave in at the time, I would now but he can't understand why I can't get over this type of thing! That single event goes through my mind do often. I would love to know how to move on, I've tried and I can't.
Fraggled, I have written several posts and deleted them, I can't put into words how upset I feel for you. I'm older than you and recognise your husband's unenlightened attitude, but nothing excuses his disgusting words and behaviour, he's a lost cause, he will never understand.
Please make this the year when you find someone to talk to, whatever it takes, whatever it costs, find the best.
Be kind to yourself Fraggled, make the second half of your life count.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.