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tired and anxious about relationship(1 Post)
I'm finding it very difficult to think clearly about my relationship with DP. This is probably going to be long, I just want to try and get it all out there in the hopes that someone can tell me it will be ok.
History with DP: We have a 3 year old DS, we'd been together a year (but not living together) when I fell pregnant unexpectedly. That was a huge shock, I suffered a lot with anxiety and depression but didn't take medication because I was worried about it being safe for the baby. As a result some of my behaviour was quite extreme. I used to wake in the night and just feel like the sky was caving in, just this huge fearful despairing lonely emotion that I couldn't cope with by myself, I'd wake DP up but he'd be so tired he was pretty unresponsive, sometimes we'd have awful arguments where I just felt totally out of control. It wasn't always that bad but I really struggled and that had an impact on DP who has his own issues anyway -
He was drinking a LOT when I met him. Much much better since we've been together thankfully but when he does occasionally drink too much he becomes another person, not violent but appearing to be mentally disturbed and deeply unhappy.
He's been in the same low paid job (just over minimum wage) for years (10+), a very intelligent man but no confidence at all, no motivation, no qualifications. He's a drifter really and has been in performance management and things at times, and we have struggled to stay afloat financially which has caused a lot of stress. I'm not really judging him for it and I'm now working full-time which helps but what I find hard is that he will never try to make things better.
He'd been alone for a long time before we met, he was in his late thirties (me in my twenties) but had only had one sexual partner.
He doesn't really have friends, there are people who like him but he's basically a loner and can often come across as rude or just bizarre. Silly example but on one occasion I remember we were being shown round a nursery by the manager and she asked him a question and he stood there chewing one of DS's socks which for some reason he had. Other times he just makes odd comments, his conversation dots around so much even I can't keep up. People sometimes ask if anything's wrong because he'll seem like he's in a bad mood. It's hard to describe really but it makes me feel embarrassed.
In terms of how we are together, our sex life is basically nil and has been for ages. I have tried to be closer but he almost always says he's too tired or preoccupied. It feels now like having sex would almost be wrong, it's like we're just friends now. We get on well sometimes but any time we have a day off together it always seems to go wrong. A real bugbear for m is that he can't bear it if plans change in the smallest ways and he can be so negative, and obsessive about the smallest things. He's got spreadsheets planning out what we're going to eat which he takes ages over, a while ago he was plotting out how he spent every half an hour of the day... Why make things so complicated?
I'm sorry about this post, it's basically just one long list of complaints and I'm sure I sound like a bitch and anyone who reads this is probably wondering why we're together. When we met I fell for him hugely, it just was never simple - we'd have a lovely time together but I always worried about these things and it's never gone away. And I love him (although not really in a romantic way) and worry hugely, hugely, about how he'd cope if we split up. I could see him spiralling downwards and blaming himself, his self esteem is so low as it is. I hate the idea of him lonely and hurting. But it does feel like these problems will never resolve themselves and I try to get to a point where I can just accept things as they are and never seem to manage it. I feel horribly guilty but I keep thinking about the possibility of us separating. Then I want to just hold him a look after him, because I see he is so vulnerable in a lot of ways. He can't change, it's like he's stuck in this little bubble he's made for himself. He doesn't want to do anything new whatsoever but I don't want to spend my life standing still. He says things like he's "happy enough" but I can't honestly believe he is, he looks so tired all the time and he's always saying he doesn't get time for anything that's "his". He's a good person but it's just such hard work, he's so odd and so set in his ways. I could give a lot of examples but this post is too long already. I just keep thinking, what on earth do I do? I don't want to hurt anyone and I have no clue what I'd do if we separated anyway.
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