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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this abusive??

76 replies

ohnonotanothernewbie · 28/10/2015 16:17

My DP and I have been together for 8 months, and he is on the whole a very kind, caring and loving man. He has given me an ultimatum regarding Christmas/New Year - either I lose 2 stone by Christmas, or he will not be joining me in visiting my family (who all like him, and want to see him over the festive period) over Christmas, and that I can explain to them why is not there. I don't know if he anticiaptes us continuing a relationship if I don't meet his required weight by then - he hasn't said. I do need to lose weight, but I don't know if he is employing some sort of "cruel to be kind" motivational tactic, or if he is being unreasonable/abusive?
Please help

OP posts:

Report

BackInTheRealWorld · 28/10/2015 16:18

He is an arsehole. He really is.
That is an awful way to treat you, what a tosser!

Threefishys · 28/10/2015 16:19

Have you put loads on since you met him? I know I've put about a stone on since I've been with DP (A year) I want to lose it I feel frumpy !!

Threefishys · 28/10/2015 16:20

Tbh I would lose the two stone then possibly lose him

Gangie · 28/10/2015 16:20

Get rid of him. Did u put in two stone in the last 8months? Or were you this size when you met him 8 months ago? Honestly if you want to lose weight then do, but do it for yourself not some fella looking for fault.

ineedabodytransplant · 28/10/2015 16:20

Don't know what weight you 'D'p is but right there is a big chunk you could lose immediately.

He doesn't sound like a kind,caring and loving person at all.

BackInTheRealWorld · 28/10/2015 16:21

I don't think it matters if she has put on weight or not.
To tell her she has to lose weight by Christmas or he won't join her and she will have to explain why is just arrogant nasty and bullying.

NameChange30 · 28/10/2015 16:21

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

You've been with this man for 8 months? That's no time at all. Cut your losses and RUN LIKE THE WIND.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 28/10/2015 16:21

Not necessarily abusive but certainly cunty. I'd wave goodbye to the 8 months if a partner was giving me ultimatums like that.

Hurr1cane · 28/10/2015 16:22

I'd dump him then lose 4 stone and get a manicure, then find someone who doesn't judge me based on how much I weigh. I don't know if it's abusibe or not, but whatever it is, it's fucking horrid

Jan45 · 28/10/2015 16:22

Yes it's abusive, what a complete idiot, why did you not dump as soon as you heard, you really need to raise the bar and not entertain bully's with no kindness whatsoever.

Teacakequeen · 28/10/2015 16:22

That's really horrible. Not sure it's even possible

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 28/10/2015 16:24

Sounds like he has managed to act like a lovely guy for 8 months, now he is showing his true colours, run like the wind, now he has started it will only get worse.

ohnonotanothernewbie · 28/10/2015 16:25

No, I've lost a stone and a half since we met, and almost 3 stone since this time last year

OP posts:

QuizteamBleakley · 28/10/2015 16:26

What a shite. Just starting to reveal his true colours. Dump & run. Whatever he weighs is what you need to lose, now.

NameChange30 · 28/10/2015 16:27

You are doing amazingly well! He should be cheering you on, not giving you nasty ultimatums!

Seriously, he is a dick. Is there something stopping you ending the relationship?

DraenorQueen · 28/10/2015 16:33

Oh honestly! Where do these specimens comes from?! Even if you have weight to lose, you're clearly doing well in shifting it. Also, who would EVER think that's the way to encourage someone?? What the fuck's your weight go to do with Christmas visits?
Are you intending staying with this absolute prat?

Scarydinosaurs · 28/10/2015 16:33

I think you need to clarify how this ultimatum even came about?

Is it a misguided effort to motivate you to lose weight?

ohnonotanothernewbie · 28/10/2015 16:38

Thanks everyone.
I don't want to end the relationship for a number of reasons - some not as good as others! I'm 35 soon, and can't face going back to mum and dad's, cap in hand. I also get on really well with his (grown up) kids, and we are planning to try for a baby next year. When he is good, he is very very good, we have a lot of shared interests, and enjoy the simple things in life together

OP posts:

rumred · 28/10/2015 16:38

Wow. What a prince. Not

NameChange30 · 28/10/2015 16:39

"we are planning to try for a baby next year"

NOOOOOOOOOOO

Do NOT do this

gatewalker · 28/10/2015 16:40

"I think you need to clarify how this ultimatum even came about?

Is it a misguided effort to motivate you to lose weight?"

This. I know people who are incredibly well-intentioned, but the ill-thought-out shit that comes out of their mouths can sometimes suggest otherwise. I'll generally give someone the benefit of the doubt once. We all have foot-in-mouth syndrome at times.

BUT

If this kind of talk is par for the course, or you regularly feel like you are walking on eggshells around him when it comes to your weight or your eating (or anything else for that matter), or he makes it clear that you need to change in order to be acceptable to him, then that's another story entirely, and I'd be telling him to fuck right off immediately.

NameChange30 · 28/10/2015 16:41

"I'm 35 soon, and can't face going back to mum and dad's, cap in hand."

Do you have to rely on this cunty boyfriend or your parents to support you? Can't you support yourself?

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DraenorQueen · 28/10/2015 16:41

If you tie yourself to this man for life by having a baby with him you better start toughening up against those weight comments. There will no doubt be plenty more post pregnancy.

NameChange30 · 28/10/2015 16:45

"When he is good, he is very very good"

...but when he is bad, he is horrid?!

Honestly love. Who want a partner who's only "good" sometimes? A good man is good (and by that I don't mean perfect) all the time.

Not saying he's abusive - there isn't enough evidence of that from what you've said so far - but abusive men can be very charming and lovely a lot of the time. That's why women forgive/tolerate the abuse.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 28/10/2015 16:46

Oh Christ, don't stay with a bloke because you're to embarrassed to ask your parents for help and you like his kids. And seriously reconsider having a child with a man who's giving you ultimatums regarding your weight. You're unlikely to maintain that weight loss through a pregnancy.

Dig down deep and ask yourself, is this a clumsy attempt to motivate you or is he actually just being a twat?

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