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My head is wrecked!

(12 Posts)
mermaidinshoes Wed 28-Oct-15 15:17:46

Really just want to get some opinions from you guys if you don't mind as I'm going around in circles here.

Have been dating a guy for the past 6 months. To give a background I'm widowed 4 years and have 2DC, one still living at home. He is a recovered alcoholic (last drink 10 years ago) Separated 10 years ago and divorced 5 years with 3DC, 1 adult 22, and 2 DD's 14 and 16

DP sees his kids every 2nd weekend going to his home town 4 hours away and spending the weekend up there. Which is absolutely fine by me and having lost DH would be so aware of how important and precious the parent/child relationship is.

I'm very easygoing and don't need lots of contact etc when he is up there and am very happy to potter here with my family and friends. I love my own space and company.

But......There's always a but!!

The last couple of months I've noticed he will not text, call, contact in anyway whilst up there. Last time a couple of weeks ago he was pulled in on the side of a road calling me at nearly midnight! Alarm bells began.

I mentioned that it seemed funny, and surely sending a text or making a call whilst in his DC's company wouldn't be difficult. When not with them he is constantly either at my home, texting or calling me. Anyhow he blew up!! Went into a total strop and cut contact. That was fine, as I said I really don't do drama...we have had such a lot to deal with as a family that I don't encourage any more stresses.

Eventually I got an apology, then he told me I'm a secret to his family, kids etc...again his decision. I certainly don't want to push into his DC's lives. But also find it odd that he couldn't mention he is dating...

He feels guilty at the breakdown of his marriage 10 years ago he says and also that he hurt his kids. Again can understand I think. Although do feel that 10+ years is a long time!

I told him it was fine whatever way he wished to play things out. He knows his children and ex wife best and he was best placed to make a decision as to what info to tell them

Forward to today...He is travelling up to them tomorrow for a few days as they are just back from hols. We were chatting by text and I was being quite upbeat about it being a lovely weekend weather wise ahead and it will be great for him to see the girls after 3 weeks as they were away...then out of the blue he starts an argument! Absolutely nothing I've said warranted it..It's almost like he wanted to ensure I'm out of his life for the weekend again and then he will make contact Monday/Tues with a 'sorry' and my head is all over the place excuse..

I'm so out of the whole dating scene its not funny!! But to me things just don't add up...and I guess I wanted to see if you guys agree or whether I'm just not reading things right

Sorry that was so long, but advice will be so appreciated x

Twitterqueen Wed 28-Oct-15 15:21:39

Run away. He may have got over his alcohol issues but he clearly hasn't got over relationship / guilt issues. His DCs are more than old enough to accept and welcome a new woman in his life.

Tbh, I don't like the sound of him from what you've said. [entirely gut-based, judgemental viewpoint!]

mermaidinshoes Wed 28-Oct-15 15:24:56

Yeah was kind of thinking that way.

As I said my kids lost their dad and have no issues with me dating now..

Thanks for your view, its hard trying to go over and over it myself

Jan45 Wed 28-Oct-15 15:28:48

6 months and you are still a secret, never mind wrecking with your head, why can't his kids come to his place, why does he always go there, are you sure there's nothing going on between him and the ex.

The explosiveness of his reactions is also very telling, I'd not be arsed with this tbh after 6 months.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 28-Oct-15 15:30:13

I think that you sound an incredibly perceptive and balanced person flowers.

IrritableBitchSyndrome Wed 28-Oct-15 15:34:41

Red Flags. Is he just visiting his kids or also his ex? Does he have more than one phone? Not worth the drama, move on and forget him. flowers

Friendlystories Wed 28-Oct-15 15:36:19

If you've already told him you're willing to play things however he feels is best with his DC's and ex why would he need to cause an argument to ensure you didn't contact him while he's there? I probably would see this as a red flag, is he trying to make sure you don't contact him at times you know he would be away from his kids? Where does he stay when he's visiting them?

Justmuddlingalong Wed 28-Oct-15 15:37:59

Let him have his time with his kids, but if he then plays the ' Oh, I'm sorry' card again next week, ditch him. You deserve happiness, not a boyfriend who wrecks your head. Good luck. flowers

mermaidinshoes Wed 28-Oct-15 15:44:51

You have all raised what's going around in my head.

He tells me he stays with his sister..its the village they all grew up in. But has never contacted me from there either.

I'm not sure on the phone front. His is always on silent and I would never dream of looking at it. He may well have another but I haven't seen it.

I agree its really not worth the drama. I had made this very clear last time.

Thanks for agreeing the 'secret' thing is a bit odd...I'm pretty open and sometimes think thats maybe not for the best but its who I am. But 6 months down the line I didn't think it was a big thing for him to have mentioned he was seeing someone

Have turned my phone off now and when I turn it on in the morning for work I will let him know its not how I want to live and delete

Thanks so much xx

Olddear Wed 28-Oct-15 15:46:02

You've got your head screwed on. I'd bail out. Who needs it?

mermaidinshoes Wed 28-Oct-15 15:47:13

Justmuddlin, I always do. My kids are my world and would expect his to be to him too. I have never called him whilst up there. Have once or twice sent a funny or a hello over the months but although he reads them he never responded..

mermaidinshoes Wed 28-Oct-15 15:48:56

Thanks Olddear, I try!! And yes am bailing. He pulls on my heart strings and I'm a bit of a softie. But I have strength when I need and won't have this hot/cold and confusion wrecking my peace of mind

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