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Narcissist or not ?(1 Post)
I have just left a 12 year relationship .I went through the relief, shock, grief, blame everyone else, blame him, blame me. Flitted back and forth between each of these several times over the last 2 months. These emotions could change on an hourly basis or I could go to bed at night and wake up feeling the complete opposite. Recognising what emotion I was feeling at any one time also became a challenge. I couldn't eat, sleep was impossible, and I was manically trying to rush around holding it all together.
I couldn't make sense of anything. I had initiated the breakup. I had got what I wanted. Suddenly I missed him terribly and kept bursting into tears and having panic attacks. My friends, although supportive, didn't seem to understand, even though they have had breakups and divorces themselves. They didn't take kindly to me crying "This is different". I tried to explain the intensity and chaos of our relationship, but they didn't seem to get it.
I started researching on here to try to make sense of it all. I have read loads of posts, and lurked on other threads. However, I still have questions.
I have dissected our relationship from start to finish, and behaviours in previous relationships, both mine and his.
He is extremely insecure, attention seeking and jealous of everyone. He has always been in a relationship (mostly with a mistress alongside). Never lived on his own. I think his underlying resentment and anger towards me stems from him "really trying this time" and not taking a mistress during our relationship. I have had this thrown at me several times, as if that makes up for all the other shit and mind games he has played me with. I am supposed to be grateful !
He has all the traits of a narcissist ie he is the best at his job, nobody else can do his job if he takes time off, controlling, belittled me, sarcastic, negative about everyone, very critical, constantly talking about himself, asking several questions in one sentence and not waiting for an answer, sex when he wanted (rarely ), making anyone's party his own, making me wait for him to be ready, sulking if we went somewhere I wanted to go, checking up on me and phoning constantly for reassurance, never took responsibility for anything. Definitely no empathy, and turned everything around to how it affected him and how it made him feel. He would beg, cry and threaten suicide if I told him I'd had enough. If that didn't appear to work he'd flit back to anger and accusations. He plays the victim so well and nobody believes what I have lived through. Why should they ? I didn't until 12 years in and I was living with him ! That's not entirely true, I didn't see how bad it was and how it had affected me until this week !
However, the main trait appears to be the grandiose image and wanting power and success. I can't relate this to him at all. Yes he thought he was the only person that could do certain jobs, but these were limited. He expected me to do everything else, although I did get criticised over minor flaws, which he constantly searched for. The other point that doesn't fit is finances. He was actually scared of money. He never had cash on him and never dealt with mortgages, bills, wages etc. I was always in charge of all these things as he claimed ignorance.
Narcissist or just impossible to live with ?
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