is there more than DH's General moodiness going on here?

[Bjornstar]

Hi all, DH has a short fuse and from time to time and loses his temper very easily. I have noticed more and more that he has quite extreme mood swings. For instance, when we are speaking on the phone while he drives to work, he is full of interesting chatter, loves listening to what I say and is happy. Same on the way home when we chat on the phone.

When he comes home, he is pleased to see us and then it all goes downhill! He cannot cope with living in our house and dealing with the 'mess' says he can't relax and he is in a bad mood-the atmosphere in the house grows grey. He shouts at our new pet to the point it has made DS cry before. We often go to sleep with bad feelings, but in the morning when he calls us it is like nothing ever happened and he is chirpy again! When I pull him up on our behaviour, he just says it is the mess he can't deal with and having to constantly tidy up (if you could see how tidy our house is kept you would be stunned by this comment) but he genuinely thinks it is untidy and disorganised!

I am beginning to wonder if Dh is mentally ill instead of just moody. I can see in his face he is not a happy person. He also has a history of mental illness in his family. Little things seem to set him off (ocd?) but every new day the slate is wiped clean until he gets home and it starts again.what are your thoughts?

[Bjornstar]

Bump

[RiceCrispieTreats]

My thoughts are that things can only begin to change if he acknowledges that there is a problem.

If he's denying that anything is wrong here, then nothing can shift.

You can't diagnose him. Only a doctor can, IF he takes himself to see one.
You can't change his behaviour. Only he can, IF he sees that his behaviour is problematic and chooses to change.

I'm sorry, it sounds like a miserable way to live. Reading your post I just want to whisk your poor pet and DC out of there.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

It suits him to deny that his behaviour is problematic: that way he can carry on. If you don't wish to carry on with more of the same, you are going to need to do something that shocks him into realising how serious this is for you.

[Joysmum]

My thought is he chooses to be shitty at home, nowhere else, because let's face it he can't control how tidy his work situation is or how other people work in relation to him.

Therefore he can be nice when he's not fully in control but decided you and your son don't deserve the same consideration as the rest of the world gets from him.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

When I pull him up on our behaviour, he just says it is the mess he can't deal with and having to constantly tidy up (if you could see how tidy our house is kept you would be stunned by this comment) but he genuinely thinks it is untidy and disorganised!

What do you say when he persists with something totally untrue like this? Do you argue with him? Rationalise? Try to be even tidier?

How do you react to him truly believing something false, getting furiously angry about it then taking out on everyone else?

every new day the slate is wiped clean until he gets home and it starts again
You can't stop him behaving like this. You can't make him get help for his delusions and anger. But you can stop enabling him. Don't let the slate be wiped clean. It isn't clean, stop pretending it is.

You should be bloody pissed off and angry in the morning if he hasn't apologised profusely for his bad behaviour and told you what steps he will take to stop himself behaving badly. Tell him that to his face firmly in the morning. "Well?" pause while waiting pointedly with arms folded "I'm still waiting for your apology for your appalling shouty behaviour last night."

If he starts blaming you or the house for his moods, shut that shit down immediately, you must not validate it with engagement. "You are an adult. You are responsible for your own behaviour. I won't stand for you taking out your frustrations on me, the pet and the DC. Sort yourself out."

[Bjornstar]

How do I react? Where over-reaction is his middle name, under-reaction was mine. In the past, I have not been very good at confrontation, but I am getting better. I am starting to dig my heels in and this is where we are clashing now. Beforehand, if he complained about how untidy a cupboard was, I would be the one to clean it up to keep the peace. Now I say, do it yourself!

He has been v grumpy since we got our new kitten. To be fair, the kitten has scratched some of our furniture so he is not happy and keeps screaming 'NO!!!!!' All the time. He says to me 'He is ruining EVERYTHING!!!! What did you think was going to happen?!!!' I apologised that the kitten had done this and said it will get better when he goes out. Dh came around and was in a better mood. Then later, when we were eating the dinner I had made - he started going on about it again passive aggressively, saying he is ruining everything, but it doesn't matter does it'.

Last night, he came in late as he went to see a film after work as the traffic was bad. He started to tell me he had some problems in the office and when I reached out to hug him, he said he couldn't be bothered and walked away.