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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Thinking of another man

50 replies

Oxfordgirl2 · 27/10/2015 22:35

Desperately need some advice. I have no one to talk to about this...... I have been married for 12 years and I am 37 years old. My husband is decent and trustworthy and kind. My feelings for him are just friendship and appreciation to him for being there when I needed someone to care about me. I don't feel the way I should for a husband. There is no passion in our relationship, he doesn't 'get' me and we have no real connection. He on the other hand thinks everything is fine or at least won't acknowledge otherwise. I know if I left him he would be devastated and I would never forgive myself.
I have been travelling on business a lot recently with a married male colleague. We hit it off immediately and over the past few months have developed a real connection. Nothing has happened and I am not sure he feels the same way but I am head over heels. He seems quite flirtatious but I am not sure what the signs are to look out for. He always sits close to me and maintains eye contact until I feel like my heart will burst. He tells me he is looking forward to seeing me again next week. I am obsessing over him and cannot get him out of my mind going over and over every detail of the conversations we have had for signs he feels the same way.
Please no judgement, just need helpful advice on what to do- ignoring these feelings seems impossible.

OP posts:

Report

PisforPeter · 27/10/2015 22:38

Pulls up a chair....

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 27/10/2015 22:41

Oh no,don't do it.I know,and I really do know,that right now that married colleague seems exciting and special and everything your husband isn't,but really really he isn't.A few months ago I was in a similar position,but decided to really look at my marriage and either make it work or be happy by myself for a while,without the complication of an affair.I am so glad I did,and you owe it to yourself,your husband and your marriage to try and do the same.Having an affair is not the answer,and I don't say that easliy.I almost grieved for my "love" with the colleague,but am so glad now I focused my energies where they should've been spent.Please don't cause yourself any more hurt by having an affair.

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 27/10/2015 22:42

Oh,and I also thought it was impossible to ignore my really strong feelings and passion,but I just kept on pushing them back and now they seem absurd.Dont throw away your marriage on a whim.

Oxfordgirl2 · 27/10/2015 22:52

Thanks for replies so far. I don't even know if this colleague likes me but if he does and makes a move I feel weak with desire. I am not someone who feels this way usually, I hardly ever find anyone attractive let alone make this kind of connection. Should I not grab this opportunity. In some ways I am hoping to find out he doesn't like me and then things would be simpler.

OP posts:

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 27/10/2015 22:58

I thought I wasn't someone who feels like this either,but you know what,every single person who has an affair feels the same.It isn't special,you can control it and it isn't right.I know this because I was where you are now.It wouldn't be simpler if he didn't fancy you,ask yourself,if you were happy in your marriage would you even look at him as married man?This isn't an "opportunity" for you to grab,it's a chance for you to fix your marriage,yourself it both.I cried non stop for months over what I was "missing" but I can see now that what I was missing wasn't an affair but a happy marriage.Sometimes I let myself drift into a day dream about it,but that's all it can,and should be.Good luck,stay strong.

devastatedcoconut605 · 27/10/2015 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladygoingGaga · 27/10/2015 23:02

Having an affair, because that is what it will be is not the answer, it will not solve the issues in your marriage, or make things easier or happier, it will rack you with guilt and cloud your judgement.

You have to face up to the issues in your marriage, which needs to start with some honesty in you talking to one another.

Shutthatdoor · 27/10/2015 23:04

I don't even know if this colleague likes me but if he does and makes a move I feel weak with desire.

Sounds like something out of Mill & Boonot

Shutthatdoor · 27/10/2015 23:04

*Boon

Oxfordgirl2 · 27/10/2015 23:10

Thanks for the post that asked 'how would you feel if he (my husband) was flirting with colleagues...' It has made me realise something- I would be relieved that we could perhaps start talking about parting ways. I think this connection I feel has highlighted to me that my marriage is over- like I said this is not like me at all to feel this way about anyone.

OP posts:

PisforPeter · 27/10/2015 23:13

Well perhaps end your marriage first & then see if this man still interests you??

Oxfordgirl2 · 27/10/2015 23:17

Thanks PisforPeter- it is a scary prospect but something I need to consider, ending my marriage without the reassurance of someone else. I would want to do it in a way that hurts my husband the least- and no idea how to do that but posters are right, I think having an affair would be more hurtful to him.

OP posts:

devastatedcoconut605 · 27/10/2015 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PisforPeter · 28/10/2015 10:33

I hope you are feeling better today OP?

Oxfordgirl2 · 28/10/2015 11:45

Thanks- a lot to think about- a bit overwhelmed. Spending next week with the other man on a business trip and just found out it will only be the 2 of us. Will try to keep my feelings under wraps

OP posts:

Shutthatdoor · 28/10/2015 12:45

Will try to keep my feelings under wraps

You need to.

Extremely unfair and disrespectful to your DH not to..

Oxfordgirl2 · 28/10/2015 12:56

Please stop judging- I of course know that. I posted for advice and to share my thoughts that I have had to keep to myself.

OP posts:

devastatedcoconut605 · 28/10/2015 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PisforPeter · 28/10/2015 13:12

If you are together all week just the 2 of you then I would hazard a guess that this might be tricky??
After work drinks etc??
Do you have children??

devastatedcoconut605 · 28/10/2015 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oxfordgirl2 · 28/10/2015 13:26

Hi Yes it will be very tricky. Usually there are 4 or 5 of us. We have dinner together every night as a norm and yes there will be drinks. It is an intense job and we work closely. Perhaps this is all in my head and he isn't interested anyway or if he is won't act on it- he is a good person. It would be safer if that was the case but I am rubbish as reading the signs.
Last time we had dinner together alone we had such a brilliant time, really connected and I felt so close to him.
No children of my own.

OP posts:

flustercuck · 28/10/2015 13:30

Don't destroy your marriage to be his wanksock.

This, with bells on.

Good luck, OP.

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Devastatedcoconut605 · 28/10/2015 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PisforPeter · 28/10/2015 13:36

I hope you have the strength to not get involved OP though I suppose you would not be the first or the last person to have an affair. I really feel for you.

Shinyhappypeople9 · 28/10/2015 13:40

If you dont have kids then end your marriage if you are not happy.

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