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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Inappropriate emails

87 replies

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 20:07

I've posted here before but had the thread pulled as I felt it might be too indentifying. Second time lucky...

I saw emails between my DP and possible OW (when I was using his phone for something else).

DP had mentioned going out with work and was it convenient, it wasn't so I said it was better if he didn't go. He seemed fine about it, and I had no concerns.

Then I found emails to OW along the lines of:

DP: I can't come to x event sorry
OW: Oh no!
Dp: if I was there you wouldn't be alone (plus loads more her not having to share with a female colleague if he was there)
OW: I'll wear the suspenders you liked on my FB pic
DP: Dance for me in them
OW: if you make it worth my while...
DP: you'd better not fall in love with me

It went on.

Before posters who've read my previous post pick me up on discrepancies, I'm really sorry I've written this from memory when I saw the emails on Saturday and am trying to repost as accurately as possible.

He's away until tomorrow and I haven't confronted him, I got great advice before and I'm really grateful for any ideas anyone has about how to best deal with this.

I was angry; now I'm just sad.

OP posts:

Report

Seeyounearertime · 27/10/2015 20:12

I recall the thread, there was no mention of suspenders and such in that one.... This one sounds far worse....

I think you have to confront him now, that sound far less innocent than it did previously.

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 20:19

Yeah I was an idiot and didn't tell it all, not sure why guess I was trying to minimise and play it down to make myself feel better. Lying to myself definitely isn't helping though.

Thank you I know I have to confront him, I'm not sure how. This is so out of character for him, I just feel like it's a nightmare.

OP posts:

Lacoba66 · 27/10/2015 20:55

OP, I have just 2 questions,

Where is he tonight? And why is it "so out of character"? I don't mean to be cruel, but he has " disappointed" another woman whilst being with you, and suggested that "she doesn't fall (on to his cock) in love with him !

Tell him to not come back, until his head is out of his self centred arse!

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 20:57

Any advice would be appreciated.

I can contact OW on FB but not sure if it's the best way forward.

OP posts:

Lacoba66 · 27/10/2015 21:01

Why would you contact her?

What would you hope to achieve? Speak to him if it helps, but she will not give you any answers- she is just a pawn in all of this.

I am cross on your behalf OP!

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 21:01

It's out of character because he is normally such a good guy, I know that sounds cheesy but he is. He's the bloke everyone likes in the pub, I've never know anyone who doesn't like him.

I have no idea why he would send these emails, let alone act upon them. I'm just hoping he hasn't.

OP posts:

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 21:04

I don't think that I can believe a thing he says if I confront him. So I was thinking contacting OW as him would be a better idea.

I know how bad that sounds.

I just want the truth, one way or another. I'd rather her version first.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 27/10/2015 21:08

I wouldn't contact her at all, your beef isn't with her, it's with your oh.

Lacoba66 · 27/10/2015 21:13

Lilly if he was a "good guy" then he wouldn't be doing it. Regarding contacting her- why do you think she would be more honest than him?

If she is involved, the she is not going to be your soul mate.

Can you find the strength to sit on this for 24 hrs and then make a decision? Nothing will change between now and then, but you may have a clearer head.

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 21:23

My thinking was if I contacted her as him she wouldn't know and might spill th beans. It's pathetic I know.

I've read so many threads over the years and felt LTB, yet when it comes to me I'm struggling.

Sorry for being so pathetic, and thanks for all the advice so far

OP posts:

ForChina · 27/10/2015 21:27

I don't really know what to say. It's inappropriate and flirty but that could be the full extent of it. I think you just have to wait till he gets home and then tell him you saw the e-mail and are shocked and upset.

Seeyounearertime · 27/10/2015 21:31

Contacting her as him won't work. People use different patterns and wording and there's no way you could get a definitive answer.
"OH hi chuck, I forget, have we slept together? Lol wink wink #justasking"
I just can't see how you'd broach the subject to actually find out for sure?

There is no way to know for sure beyond either waiting for another red flag or confronting him and him admitting it.
Either way is going to be tough, I don't envy you.

The real question is is he worth it? Do you really think he is worth staying with if you mistrust him? Can you handle mistrusting him from now until forever? Etc.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 27/10/2015 21:35

I've done the whole contacting the OW pretending to be him thing. It worked. It was devastating, and really fucking awful to have to go through and something I did whilst in a very bad way emotionally, but it did work. She sang like a canary and gave me the proof I needed.

I really would try every other method of obtaining the proof you need before resorting to this OP. It's rough.

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 21:37

No you're right it's not worth staying with him if I don't trust him. I'm not sure that I can ever trust him again.

I think I will try to contact her as him via FB just to know (I understand that sounds naive) but I think it might make me feel better before I confront him.

I'm hoping if she doesn't know who I am she can give me her version of events before I hit him full force.

OP posts:

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 27/10/2015 21:38

And as seeyou says, you need to have a fairly good idea of how he speaks to her in order for it to be plausible. I had chat history (albeit the incriminating stuff had been deleted) to go on. I don't think it will work with just a few lines of an email.

Is there anything else? More emails? Texts?

Seeyounearertime · 27/10/2015 21:40

Well lilly, I absolutley wish you luck with whatever you decide.

TRexingInSportsDirect · 27/10/2015 21:41

You've seen the truth with your own eyes, you just don't want to accept it! He's not a nice guy, well not to you - he's friendly and fun to people in the pub - that's not the same. He sent those emails because he fancies the woman and wanted t have sex with her, but couldn't be arsed with the hassle of splitting up with you first, he wanted to have his cake and shag eat it. LTB.

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 21:43

Nothing other than work emails which were a bit flirty.

She's online on FB messenger now and I'm tempted to send her a message. I know I shouldn't though. Stay strong.

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Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 21:46

Trex you're right. Thank you

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NumbBlaseCold · 27/10/2015 21:55

Oh Lilly I am sorry, it is horrible when you find out your partner isn't who you think.

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 22:01

Ive sent her a message, just saying I (lily) found out.

OP posts:

fastdaytears · 27/10/2015 22:07

Oh I'm so sorry this sounds horrible. Is someone there with you? Do you have a friend who could pop round? Watching FB messanger for a reply is going to be horrible.

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Bodear · 27/10/2015 22:11

You must be devastated. Try to think of the advice you have/ would have given other mnetters on threads when you've thought LTB? Xx

ohtheholidays · 27/10/2015 22:12

Oh Lilly I'm sorry your OH has been such an arse.

Have you told anyone in RL what you found yet?Just because depending on what she says you might want to have someone with you.

Lillyrose4 · 27/10/2015 22:14

She's responded (to DP she thinks).

Oh no poor Lilly! If that was my boyfriend I would have gone tits! I've got a date on Friday ??

WTF do I respond to that?

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