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Just curious, who do you love more: your DC or DP?

(165 Posts)
KP86 Tue 27-Oct-15 17:47:43

I was on a long haul flight with DS18m a couple of days ago (DH wasn't with us), and found myself thinking a bit about mortality and my family.

As much as I love my DH - we are happy together and have a good life - I love my DS sooo much more!

It's probably just mother's instinct, but I could spend all day snuggled up to DS and it probably still wouldn't be enough (when he is being well behaved and loveable - other times I might well run away, haha), yet I just don't feel that way about DH.

Due to family circumstances (work, us relocating overseas), DH has been apart from us for about three months total since DS was born, and another month for this trip. I think that adds to the bond that DS and I have, as during those times it really is me and him against the world (not in a bad way), plus I'm home with him full time at the moment.

Do other mums feel this way? If I ever had to make the choice between them, it would be an easy one.

Now, I'm not saying for an instant that I want to leave DH, or wish our relationship was different/needs improvement. Just asking whether the dynamic changed for you when your DC came into the picture. Please don't post with any LTB comments or that we need help etc. Not the case. We have a perfectly good marriage.

tableanadchairs Tue 27-Oct-15 17:50:18

I adore my DC's
I adore my DH

The love l feel for them is different- no better no worse just different smile

Offred Tue 27-Oct-15 17:52:03

DC absolutely.

Current relationship is a BF not a DP so not a difficult question. I can't remember what I felt when I was married.

Groovee Tue 27-Oct-15 17:52:06

I love them all in a different way.

My love for my dh is lustful while my children is a natural maternal love.

Topseyt Tue 27-Oct-15 17:52:33

Not a choice I could ever make, nor would ever want to make.

MrsDallowaySaid Tue 27-Oct-15 17:53:05

DD for definite. It is not conscious or planned or anything like that, just the way it is. I love DH but DD is part of me.

Offred Tue 27-Oct-15 17:53:28

I do think the love you feel for a DC is an entirely different love than for a partner.

I love my DC unconditionally.

I will never love a partner unconditionally.

Stylingwax Tue 27-Oct-15 17:55:07

DC. Tho DP is fab.

Mehitabel6 Tue 27-Oct-15 17:55:40

I never understand this need to make comparisons. They are entirely different kinds of love.

FaFoutis Tue 27-Oct-15 17:56:55


KP86 Tue 27-Oct-15 17:57:08

MrsDalloway, I think you've hit the nail on the head with that comment.

DS is part of me. I certainly don't feel like I cease to exist without him, I love my personal time and have plenty of child-free interests, but I think the saying that having a child is like living with your heart in another person is so true.

StrumpersPlunkett Tue 27-Oct-15 17:58:21

DC I would run into a fire to save, they are like an extension of myself.
DP will be with me long after the children have left home and I love him to bits.
As others have said totally different types of love

KP86 Tue 27-Oct-15 17:59:22

Mehitabel, I'm not trying to be negative about it. Simply curious, because I found myself thinking about the flight and that if anything happened, at least DS and I would go down together.

If something ever happened to DH I would be devastated, but I know I would recover eventually.

stitchglitched Tue 27-Oct-15 18:01:39

DC without a doubt

Kim82 Tue 27-Oct-15 18:01:46

I love them my dh in a complete different way to how I love my dc. I do love dh so much and couldn't imagine ever being without him but if I ever had to make a choice then I would choose my dc, no contest. Whether that means I love them more or not, I don't know, I just know that I would put them before dh in pretty much any situation.

VulcanWoman Tue 27-Oct-15 18:04:19

It's a natural instinct for it to be your Children, nothing to feel guilty about.

Friendlystories Tue 27-Oct-15 18:04:48

The short answer for me is that I wouldn't want to have to choose, I love them both but if it was a 'who would you save in a fire' type question then yes, DC definitely. My DD is older than your DS and I think it's pretty normal to be completely in love with them when they're little but there is a degree of separation as they start to grow up and become less dependent on you, you don't love them any less but it does become a little less all consuming. So, factoring in your DS's age and the fact that you and he have been alone together quite a bit while your DH has been away I think the way you feel is pretty normal, you maybe just need to be a bit careful DH doesn't feel excluded when he's home and try and make sure he has the opportunity to build his relationship with DS but if your marriage is strong I don't see a problem with the fact that you adore your son.

Mehitabel6 Tue 27-Oct-15 18:05:54

I just can't see the need to think about it!

TooSassy Tue 27-Oct-15 18:06:10

What offred said

DC's have my unconditional love.
STBXH (obviously) doesn't

NotTodaySatan Tue 27-Oct-15 18:07:07


I would seriously question the sanity of anyone who said otherwise.

There was a similar thread a few years ago where one poster said she would swim over her drowning children to rescue her husband hmm.

KKCupCakes Tue 27-Oct-15 18:09:08

My DP is my absolute soul mate, no matter what we're there for each other. My heart flutters when I think of our life together fulfilled and content. We have in the past gone from a blazing row to comforting cuddles and reassuring kisses without the blink of an eye, when we found out that DP's best friend had been killed in an RTA mid matrimonial ding dong. We both have so much love for our DC. They are an extension of our happiness and add to it exponentially. I love my DC's with a ferocity I didn't know was possible until I became a Mother. I would never say I loved my DP more than my DC or Vise Versa. They are entirely different and for me entirely equal. smile

U2HasTheEdge Tue 27-Oct-15 18:12:00

I love them differently.

I don't measure love. I love many people in many different ways.

I don't see why we need to measure it. I am responsible for my children. It is my job and instinct to protect them but I don't love them more than I love my husband. My children will get their own lives and create their own family so I make sure I make time for my marriage as he is the one I will be living with in my old age and who I will spend the most time with when my children have moved out. But of course when it comes to the big things, my children will always come first.

It's like comparing apples to peanuts.

AntiquityOfTheTauri Tue 27-Oct-15 18:15:44

Same as mentioned above about conditional for other half vs unconditional love for children.

KP86 Tue 27-Oct-15 18:15:49

Fern, I am conscious to make sure DH is never excluded and encourage one-on-one time between him and DS.

Whenever we are all together we do as much as possible as a family as well.

Your comments about it being all consuming also describe it well. It's kind of a constant pride and admiration and amazement and adoration all rolled into one!

In some ways I look forward to the time when he will be more independent, but already I miss when he was smaller.

Of course my favourite time of day is when he is sleeping so that I can stop saying No, Don't do that, Leave that alone, Get down from there, We don't play in the toilet water, Eat your dinner, May I have that back please? Haha! Life with a (crazy) toddler.

Pranmasghost Tue 27-Oct-15 18:15:51

If it was a "kill for them, die for them" situation then my children or grandchildren would always come first.
Now they are all adults my dh is my choice to live with, sleep beside, have a laugh and a cuddle with and perhaps to spend eternity with. If they were all drowning dh would be on his own!

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