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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Total first-world problem. But is it harsh to just drop this guy?

37 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/10/2015 07:13

Met a guy online, seemed nice, had four lovely dates. Knew he wasn't looking for anything too intense but when I pushed him on the third date he actually said all he really wanted was a friends with benefits type thing. No commitment. He worded it very frilly but that is what he described I said whilst I didn't want anything intense either I can't do no strings, just not wired that way. So we said the whole "lets be friends" thing and left it at that. So that's the background.

We stopped talking for a week and I deleted him off everything (social media stuff) and that was ok then I got a message asking why. Said he was upset and didn't want to throw away the possibility of friends as we had so much in common. He said he meant it about staying in contact and maybe doing the odd thing together (we had a lot in common). I thought the let's be friends thing was just a platitude like it normally is, you know. So fair enough and we arranged to maybe meet up when my DS is away this half term (at his dad's for Halloween) but he's being super flaky (can't say for sure about anything ever) and I don't like to waste my free time on flaky people, ever. I don't have any flaky friends and that's deliberate. And any conversation is now really one sided, in that he just talks about himself and is a bit rude, cuts you off about stuff etc.

So despite him making a big thing about us having loads in common it's not that harsh if I just drop out of contact is it? I don't normally make friends out of OD. It's you like them and go on more dates or it's not for you and you stop contacting each other

(And yes I know this is a tiny tiny problem compared to most stuff on this board but it's just a weird situation to be in and I've had a tonne of essay deadlines & things with DS this week and my brain is fried ).

OP posts:

Report

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/10/2015 07:13

Also I'm too tired to deal with any harsh comments on AIBU

OP posts:

ThreeRuddyTubs · 27/10/2015 07:15

Just tell him you've changed your mind and friends isn't going to work for you. If you just drop him again he might be back for another go

Queenbean · 27/10/2015 07:15

He's hoping if you spend time as friends it will move to friends with benefits

Don't waste your time or feel bad about dumping him, move on. He's not your friend.

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/10/2015 07:16

Oh sorry, that's what I meant. I'd tell him of course.

OP posts:

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 27/10/2015 07:18

Yeah, I agree. It's not harsh. You can be friends, or not, with whomever you choose.

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/10/2015 07:18

Queen that's what I thought. But I wasn't sure if that was me beingover wary. I've done a lot of OD and there are a lot of guys like that around so I'm a bit jaded

OP posts:

zombieme8 · 27/10/2015 07:18

Bin him. It sounds like you'd made your decision already. You don't have to be friends just because he wants to be! I agree with Queenbean, I think he's hoping 'just friends' will lead into 'fwb'

pocketsaviour · 27/10/2015 07:19

He doesn't sound like someone you would want to be friends with, particularly. And I agree with Queenbean that he's still hoping for a bunk-up.

I'd let tell him it's not working out, cheerio and best of luck finding a FWB who doesn't mind you being a flaky self-obsessed rude bastard

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/10/2015 07:23

pocket that is exactly how I feel about it

I wondered if it was mind games actually. Really pushing to be friends then going totally cold and rude in the hope I'd feel bad or something. It really does seem a bit odd the way he's been since. That might be a step too far but either way, it's really not for me.

I just messaged a short, slightly better worded 'no thanks'.

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/10/2015 07:30

Thanks for helping me with my micro-problem

I agreed to the friends thing when I hadn't actually thought about it or the fact he was probably still after a hook up. Last week I had three deadlines all in a row and was so busy even in the evenings. It was this weekend I sort of wondered what the hell I was doing still talking to him...

If he hadn't gone weird and wasn't possibly still looking for a shag I wouldn't have minded, we did have lots in common. But it's gone a bit odd.

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Onedirectionarestillloved · 27/10/2015 07:31

Yes tell him it's not working for you but no hard feelings.

Don't bother meeting him again, let him find whatever it is he's looking for elsewhere and you concentrate on yourself.

I agree about not giving time to flaky people.

MrsMolesworth · 27/10/2015 07:41

He sounds like hard work for no return. Dump him. Dating without getting serious is supposed to be fun. Just say you have made plans now, sorry, and delete him again. He's one of those tedious men who gets all excited by the chase, then when he thinks he has your interest, his wanes. Yawn.

Trills · 27/10/2015 07:48

You're under no obligation to him.

You met him.
You got on.
You wanted different things.
That can be the end.

He certainly doesn't sound like he is a positive addition to your life.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/10/2015 07:50

Good on you. He doesn't sound like someone you'd otherwise be friends with anyway, what with being such a flake.

You're under no obligation to him, so onwards and upwards.

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/10/2015 07:52

Trills - Exactly. That's how it usually goes and it works pretty well for me ha.

And MrsMolesworth That's the thing, I don't even want anything serious myself but I do want a step up from completely no-strings, flaky weird fuck buddies that aren't fuck buddies because (according to him) he's above that term What else do you bloody call it then, you can polish a turd but it is still a turd mr

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TheOrchardKeeper · 27/10/2015 07:54

And by step up I also mean a fun step up, that doesn't involve me wasting my free time. I ended a 2yr relationship last year because he was a time waster and I didn't do that to end up wasting it on someone else...

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Joysmum · 27/10/2015 08:20

I don't understand the concept in your title of it being too harsh to drop a relationship that's not working out

Surely it's not what you want so you don't pursue it. If it's just a friendship now you let it fizzle out. If it's a dating scenario you explain its not right for you and you end it.

There's nothing harsh in stoping interactions with people that you don't feel you need in your life.

TooSassy · 27/10/2015 08:26

Not remotely harsh.

You're right to cut ties, who needs flaky people? I'm with you on that one.

Next!!!

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/10/2015 08:30

He just laid it on quite thick when I originally deleted everything and went on my merry way, which I always do. I've never heard from anyone again in that situation.

So I briefly wondered if I'd gone about it the wrong way or something.

OP posts:

PreciousxBane · 27/10/2015 08:33

You were looking for a specific type of lover and he didnt meet the criteria you were not searching for more friends.

I would just tell him this, wish him well and move on.

suzannecaravaggio · 27/10/2015 08:33

He sounds high maintenance!

mummytime · 27/10/2015 08:36

Nope - he just didn't want you to drop him. He will either drop you in the future - or take all he can until you drop him.

You don't have to be "friends" with anyone you don't want to be. What he thinks or says about you afterwards is his problem.

Even if he moans about you to everyone he knows, and even if you both lived in a small town where that might mean anything. Still most people who heard him mouthing off would probably judge him as the bore/pain/"I can see why you dumped him" etc.

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MissBattleaxe · 27/10/2015 08:39

Just read the thread. Cut contact. All you need to say is "this won't work for me. Good luck." and that's it. You don't need to explain. The relationship is on dodgy ground. He wants to call the shots all the time. Cut him off, block him, no further action required. Bye bye.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/10/2015 08:50

I find, in these situations, when Someone says "let's be fuck buddies", one of you heard "buddies" the other hears "fuck".

He was still after a bunk up wasn't he? Well done for dumping him

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/10/2015 08:52

Nobody goes online dating just to make platonic friends!

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