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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He says he is keen but doesn't act like it!??

161 replies

GlasgowGirl12 · 26/10/2015 23:39

Tearing my hair out a bit with new man. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks but I feel like he's not that keen on me.

I assumed I was being blown off after our first date but he was very shocked I'd interpreted that as he says he thought it was fantastic. We're on 5th date now and after each one I feel like I am being blown off but I'm not.

It's hard to put my finger on why I feel this way but it's the vibe you get when you feel someone doesn't really like you. For example he's hard to pin down for plans. He doesn't phone me. Doesn't give me much information. It's just like a subtle vibe of disinterest.

However if I let him know I'm feeling that vibe he can't understand what I'm talking about and he says he's really liking me a lot.

I'm tearing my hair out because I want to believe eat he is saying but he just acts uninterested!

I know he has a very busy life and job and home situation whereas I have a bit more time of my hands and I also know when we are together I very much feel like he is dead keen. ..he stares at me a lot, kisses a lot, touches a lot, doesn't want to leave or end the date, is kind and wants to talk but when we are not physically in the same room it feels a hit like pulling teeth.

He's a sweet guy...should I just take his word for it ?

OP posts:

Report

springydaffs · 26/10/2015 23:48

No! You're his latest sweetie, he's all agog.

That fades.
Your gut is telling you the truth.

Seeyounearertime · 26/10/2015 23:51

I'd take what he says as the truth if it were me.

It's easy to forget that, when you text, maybe he hasn't got time to read it? Looking at your phone and waiting and thinking things like, "Its been an hour, what's he doing" is fine and all bitnif he's working or whatever, maybe he doesn't have time to reply.

OK it takes a few seconds to reply sonif he did reply in a short, snappy and quick response, would that also make you feel like he's disinterested etc?

I'd say if he's made time for you and when he's with you, he's 'with you' if that makes sense? Then that's a good thing. If he was with you but always looking at phone, checking email etc, then its not so good. Does that make sense?
(Probably not)

springydaffs · 27/10/2015 00:04

Seeyou - op has described it as pulling teeth. That's not the same as a delayed response. It's not on the same page at all.

Op you need to listen to your gut. What he DOES not what he SAYS.

noclueses · 27/10/2015 00:11

it depends on how often you meet up - if it's a few times a week and he is very busy, then it's just a mismatch in your spare time amount. Men are typically not great multi taskers and they do one thing at a time and switch off a bit from everything else. Also lots of people hate long phone chats. But if you don't meet often, then it's probably about sex for him (as all his interest you describe sounds physical). Unless you mean yo haven't had sex yet?

GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 00:13

He always replies. Instantly. Just sort of...shortly!

If I send him a message saying "I'm feeling a bit like you're not that interested here" he's basically aghast and can't u derstand what I mean.

Could he be a bad conversationalist?

It's really strange. He does do some things that make him seem keen as mustard but he's not very communicative!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 27/10/2015 00:16

Have you anything better to do at the moment? If not and youre keen I'd give it time. Find something to keep you more occupied. If after 3 months or so together he's still hard work and you are feeling unappreciated I'd wave goodbye

GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 00:17

We meet every 7-10 days.

We are having sex.

I asked him if it was about sex and he was very upset I'd asked and I feel in my gut it was genuine upset. I don't think he just wants sex.

It's a bit odd. Like he likes me a lot but can only cope in small doses. Like he needs a rest in between. Does that make sense?

On dates and together in a room / bed he come across as 100% keen. Via text he comes across as blowing me off.

It's really weird. He says he has some fears of intimacy and he holds himself back.

I want to give it a chance but feel a bit during those 7 days apart like distant

OP posts:

GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 00:18

Yes I could focus on other things and give it time.

He's a very slow thinker / mover and I did know that about him before.

He says he is guarded. It's just making me a bit insecure

OP posts:

2rebecca · 27/10/2015 00:19

Is he dyslexic or just not in to written communication? You are sounding a bit clingy from that text. Do you just have too much time on your hands? I couldnt be bothered with long texts at work. I've got actual work to do

Seeyounearertime · 27/10/2015 00:22

I'm a Guy my texts to my GF are like,
"Yeah, OK, see you then."
Her texts to me at like,
"So i was thinking we'd go out to the pub down cedar road but then I figured the deserts are nicer up apple road and then I thought we could go see a movie if we wanted to and maybe we could have a couple games in the arcade and a walk down the river after as well if you like? X"

I hate texting, loathe it with a passion, I'd rather email if I have to message but call if its important. So yeah, I dunno?
I still say judge it on how he is when you're together. When you're apart there are too many variables you can't see. Is he currently working? Is he reading a book and can't long text? Is he having a dump? Etc etc. Anything could make his txt short.

GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 00:22

It's little things. As examples I just told him I was away got a few days and he didn't ask when I was back or where I was going.

Little odd things like that!

But on the other hand he does other things...like cooked me dinner, asked me to meet his friends, drove me to an appointment a three hour drive away to save me from train, sits and rubs my feet and stuff non sexual, added me on facebook and all that.

It's like he's just a bit nonchalant! !!

OP posts:

GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 00:26

I guess he might just be rubbish at texts. He is very good talker in person. It's just a bit hard with 7-10 days between dates if he's a wet fish in between.

I don't expect him to message me a lot. It's just that they feel a bit odd. Maybe I just need to get to know him.

I'm not clingy but am very direct so if I am thinking I just ask. He is definitely wanting to talk and explain if I let him know something is on my mind.

He says I overthink. Probably do. It's just weird to have a new man who acts a bit like he doesn't like you! !!

OP posts:

Wotsitsareafterme · 27/10/2015 00:27

Is there a pattern of communication though?

GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 00:28

He's a lawyer. I don't think he's dislexic. I know he's incredibly busy and spends his nights off with me.

Maybe I just have to adjust to him being a bit different to what I'm used to.

I do really like him

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 27/10/2015 00:30

new man who acts a bit like he doesn't like you! !!

He acts like he doesn't like you by rubbing your feet?
Driving you for 3 hours to save you getting a train?
Sees you every week?
Cooks you dinner?
Etc

Jesus, if that's not liking someone what does he donif he ahtes them? Buys them cars and houses!
Send him to me. He can dislike me for a bit, my feet are tired too.

GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 00:31

Yes there's a pattern. He texts me most days at some point. Often lunch hour. "How you doing babe? " few lines. Some days we don't text. Most days we do. He sends pics if something funny happens.

I suppose it's more that he doesnt ask where I am or what I'm doing. He's not curious. He's pretty reliable though. Doednt disappear.

I do feel like he hates texting . Maybe that's all it is

OP posts:

GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 00:34

I said acts a bit like he doesn't!

It's hard to explain but whrn someone does those things and then messages you to ask you to meet up and you say you're away for a few days and they don't ask where ir when you're coming back it's just a bit weird! ! Like subtle disinterest. Like he acts unerring interested then goes uber quiet for a few days. It's not constant...it's like an ebb and flow.

I know he does nice stuff too or I'd run a mile instead of trying to figure it out

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 27/10/2015 00:34

Joking side, If he's a lawyer then chances are his mind is else where when not with you. Deep in thought about serious matters of criminality of family services etc. It's no wonder his texts are short and to the point, he save the loquaciousness for his expensive letters.

IMO, stop worrying about it, enjoy the peace when you're not with him, it'll make you appreciate when you are with him.

GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 00:38

Thanks seeyou. That's good advice.

It's hard sometimes with so much time apart when we don't know each other that well yet.

I do appreciate how busy he is sometimes.

OP posts:

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 27/10/2015 07:17

Is it that have that you are only meeting up every 7-10 days that is making you nervous? Why is that?

GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 07:34

I suppose that doesn't help. Two reasons. First being that over 10 daus a bit of momentum is lost. As in if we spend a lovely weekend together and then don't really talk for 10 days I feel a bit of that sense of closeness we built dissipate. Secondly that a bit of me worries he doesn't ask to see me more often.

OP posts:

Trills · 27/10/2015 07:56

A gap of 10 day once or twice is one thing, with a particularly busy period at work, or a holiday.

Over 5 dates, if the gap is always 10 days, I'd think that he didn't have enough time to have a girlfriend.

And if the gap was going to be 10 days I'd want to have good communication in between.

Have you spoken about exclusivity? He could have 3 women, seeing each of them every 10 days, and still have plenty of spare time.

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2rebecca · 27/10/2015 07:58

Can you speak on the phone? I'd rather have a phone call every couple of days than texting

Joysmum · 27/10/2015 08:16

I've never understood why people can't phone rather than text?

Phone calls are more personal and a call can achieve more in the time than a text can.

Trills · 27/10/2015 08:20

I much prefer to have a chatty conversation over text.

If someone phones you have to drop what you are doing.

I can be witty and amusing over text while also doing other things.

Flip

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