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Is this too harsh?

(37 Posts)
hellowinter Mon 26-Oct-15 22:04:58

My emotionally and verbally narcissistic parents have sent me into a depression again. This time because they are not happy with arrangements that have been made for my son's birthday. They want to know what I am 'playing at'. We haven't organised a big party (still very young age) but the various grandparents are coming to visit on separate occasions around the date. His abusive father is now my ex so no big happy families. They say I am a bully and have upset my mother (again) and I am pushing them out because they are not being invited to the 'party' which has been organised by myself for my ex's family. Which is bollocks. They shout and swear and accuse and guilt trip and belittle and generally call me an aggressive bully when the irony is I have barely said a word because I am being sworn and shouted at as soon as I try to explain.they are awful people. My upbringing was horrendous I would be happy to cut them out of my life. I just don't know what to do... I know they will guilt trip and headwork me to make me feel I am the unstable one..they think me breaking up with my ex is just another example of my hysterical and unstable character. Please help I just don't know how to handle this anymore ??

petalsandstars Mon 26-Oct-15 22:10:21

I would be happy to cut them out of my life

Do it. Make the break and don't look back.

phoolani Mon 26-Oct-15 22:12:12

They sound pretty awful. NC would bring you, I suspect, only joy. But it's a big step and you have to accept first that they will not change. They will not turn into the parents you want, and it may well be this desire that's stoping you. If you accept that they won't change, it's worlds easier to make the break.

hellowinter Mon 26-Oct-15 22:16:13

the problem is the guilt tripping and the bribes, the gifts and money and words of 'love' combined with the fierce put downs looks of hatred and character assassinations. It drives me mad, literally. And sends me into depression because I have had this all my life.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 26-Oct-15 22:44:06

You've had this all your life but you don't have to have it any more and it seems to me you'll be acting not only in your own, but also in your ds's best interests if you have no further contact with them.

Read your words at 22.16 again and ask yourself whether their bribes are worth driving yourself mad and becoming depressed?

hellowinter Mon 26-Oct-15 23:00:28

Have now had ex oh telling me I am warped and pathetic and stupid..that I deserve the stuff that's comely way and I should stop being upset. yet more verbal abuse on top of the last lot. How can I muster the strength to cut these people out. It paralyses me sometimes it's been going on so long.

hellowinter Mon 26-Oct-15 23:04:40

It's done in such a way to make me question my sanity though. I am told I am mad/hysterical etc.it is deeply ingrained in my being that there is something wrong with me and I am a selfish bully with extremely poor judgement.

springydaffs Mon 26-Oct-15 23:17:04

Yes yes, me too! So I don't see them. I don't speak to them. Ever. Ever. They are not in my life.

I stepped away. For ever.

springydaffs Mon 26-Oct-15 23:25:57

But I had acres and acres of therapy to get to that.

It's the only way, op. You have to cut them off for good, just like you'd cut poisonous gas out of your life.

No point thinking they'll somehow stop being poisonous gas. That is just NOT going to happen. As long as you stand there, present, they will punch you and poison you.

Because they are sick people. You chose a sick, poisonous partner bcs it was what you were used to.

AnyFucker Mon 26-Oct-15 23:28:32

No contact. It's the only way. Let them think you are mental or something. Who cares what they think...you are nothing but their whipping boy anyway. Remove yourself.

hellowinter Mon 26-Oct-15 23:43:00

Thanks for your replies all.

The thought of telling them.I do t even want to see them at all for the birthday scares me to death.omg I am just imagining what the backlash will be...nightmare.
I just can't see it. I would feel SO guilty.

On the other hand I am thinking of sending them a short consise email saying that this is what their options are. Take it or leaveit. Basically they cannot call the shots anymore by using guilttrips, threats and aggression.
Perhaps if it still escalates after that I can start the journey to eventual nc.
I litterally can't take the stress any longer I have my ds to think about and this negativity is crushing me.

springydaffs Mon 26-Oct-15 23:55:57

Omg I am just imagining what the backlash will be...nightmare.

And if you're not there to hear or see the backlash? Why should you be there to see it or hear it? Don't be there!

You're still thinking you're in a dialogue with them - you are not. You are not real to them, you are a non-person, someone they can project all their vileness on to. They are NEVER going to see you as a real person. They are SICK people.

Google FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. You'll have it in spades with a history like this. Welcome to the club (the one I no longer belong to)

springydaffs Mon 26-Oct-15 23:58:26

Oh and btw you don't want your boy subjected to his mother being treated like this. SO bad for your boy!

<wishes someone had said this to me back in the day>

hellowinter Tue 27-Oct-15 00:21:45

Thanks for sharing your experience Springydaffs. Sorry you had to go through it too flowers

I cAn well imagine what my mother will be like - tears, dramatics, look what you've done to me, but I love you so much, how could you, we do so much for you and you throw it in our face, you bitch!!
I can hear it now...
Then my father saying look what you've done to your mother...thriving on the enabling and ammunition it gives him against me..

Did you have that too? How do you deal with that?

springydaffs Tue 27-Oct-15 02:53:03

No I don't have that. I'm not there.

Erm let's remember what I did have - constant bitching and sniping, sneering, jeering; poison arrows that would come from nowhere; knowing looks to each other regardless what I said, on anything at all. Sudden explosions, screaming, punching, scratching: extreme rage. Emotionally seducing my kids, 'saving' them from mad me.

The bottom line is it all worked if I didn't speak, move, move my eyes, show I was in any way I was a cogent human being. The logistics are probably that 'I" was an extreme threat bcs I didn't go along with the family script: which was that the relationships were extremely toxic. From a small child I somehow had a clarity and said when things didn't add up. I was shushed, punished, hit, insulted, ostracised, loathed. I had a lot of emotional distress and low-level mh problems as a result. Hence extensive therapy.

I can just hearing you saying your situation is not as bad as mine. But it is. They constantly assault you with endless attacks: it's ALL YOUR FAULT. Scapegoat. They are desperately sick people and their thoroughly skewed, poisonous, take on life necessitates them emotionally abusing you to the hilt. You have to get it they are SICK PEOPLE. It is highly, highly unlikely they will ever change.

They have made you responsible for their emotional well-being and, bcs they are mad, it is impossible, literally impossible, to make them happy. Except by being a compliant, biddable, malleable plank. You want to reason with them - but you are wasting your breath (and your mental health) to even try. Your situation is severe emotional abuse. They have trained you from a child to be responsible for their happiness, hence your FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. You haven't made them happy bcs you CAN'T. It's not possible.

So don't be there. Step away. Do extensive work on FOG. Get into therapy, you're going to need it. Get into the Recovery community: plenty of us out here. Read Toxic Parents , Susan Forward I think. Other books out there.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 27-Oct-15 05:45:47

I say, accept what they say about you, you are an aggressive thoughtless bitch, embrace it and stop giving a damn!

Actually you're lovely, but you don't have to prove it to them (which is just as well, because they don't see you as you are or as a real person at all). It's no wonder you got together with an abusive partner given the family you were surrounded by, but you are stronger than they give you credit for because you managed to ditch him. They don't want you to be strong, they want you to comply.

Scoobydoo8 Tue 27-Oct-15 06:01:41

I didn't live near my DPs or ILs when the DCs were young. They never attended any bday party and only came to Xmas occasionally once DPs were 75+.

There is no rule book which states that you must include this or that person in get togethers, or that you need to have get togethers at all.

Next party you have invite a good friend end of. You are allowed to do what you sod the rest want when making decisions.

Dragonsdaughter Tue 27-Oct-15 07:49:26

I think life becomes so much easier when you learn to say oh do Fuck Off.

pallasathena Tue 27-Oct-15 09:42:13

And disengage. Don't answer emails, phone, texts straight away. Keep them waiting or choose not to return calls. Often, stuff just goes away if you ignore it. Practise silence is my advice. You get some control back when you do this.

Aussiemum78 Tue 27-Oct-15 09:52:10

You are in control here. You can chose to go out and not hold a party. You can chose not to answer your phone or the door. You can ignore emails. You can never see them again. It's not their choice, it's yours.

It's also not your job to organise parties for exes family. Get custody agreed on, do drop offs and disengage there too as much as you want.

It's time to start pleasing yourself op. And your son. Everyone else can be ignored.

hellowinter Tue 27-Oct-15 15:41:54

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Springdaffs I could have cried when I read your post. I relate to EVERYTHING that you said, and I couldn't have put it better myself.

Well done you for facing it and dealing with it so well, you sound very strong and inspirational.

For most of my life I thought I was just in a really bad person abnormal that I deserved everything that I got, and that I was responsible for making my parents life hell.

Looking back, I know all I did wrong was be depressed and want to end my life, if the truth be told. Thus I was a impossible problem, crazy, like some wild animal that can't be tamed. And they believed were such nice, normal parents, crushed by the struggle of having me as their daughter, poor things. The reality was I was actually extremely shy quiet and reserved.

I couldn't build close relationships with others, I was too ashamed of myself and hated myself. I believed what they said to be true.

Part of me very much still does feel that way. That I am a stupid hysterical out of control little bitch, and they are martyrs for coping with me all their life. they sit downstairs drinking and bitching about me every f**g night. I used to listen to it as I child I can still hear it now even though I live 100 miles away. Sorry, big rant!!

AnyFucker Tue 27-Oct-15 15:51:45

Jesus Christ, your parents want fucking shooting.

Listen to springy. ..you are worth more, just like she is, like we all are flowers

springydaffs Tue 27-Oct-15 16:21:07

Now you'll get me weeping...

Therapy! This is ALL their stuff. Nothing to do with you at all. It takes years to get that it had nothing nothing nothing to do with us. As I keep saying, they are desperately sick people.

Xxx

hellowinter Tue 27-Oct-15 20:29:15

Bloody hell now it's all kicked off and they are pestering members of ex oh family, calling them drunkenly to say how vicious I am and how I have stuck a knife through their heart. Vicious? That is not me at all that is not how I view myself why do they see me as such?
When others disagree with the bitchy comments, they accuse them of being deluded and to see me for what I really am, which is a thoroughly nasty person.
I am not sure what they are trying to do to me, it's like schoolground stuff and on top of being upsetting it's embarrassing to be honest.

Castrovalva Tue 27-Oct-15 20:49:53

Google 'flying monkeys'

It was pretty much guaranteed they'd try that. Hold fast, it is just more fuckwittery. You can do this.

As to why THEY do it? Easy they are pathetic inadequate fuck ups. Projecting that onto you means they don't even have to look into the black void of their own meaninglessness souls. Also. They are just utter tossers.

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