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Not sure what happens now...

(14 Posts)
TheWeeBabySeamus1 Mon 26-Oct-15 20:53:18

Could really do with some advice about access between DS and ExP.

Basically ( am gonna try and keep short ) we broke up March this year when DS was 4 months old. ExP had regular visits - always on his terms though. He would choose when and for how long and would often only give an hours notice (ie he would txt and say im coming at x time and am taking him overnight and I would have to be available or he would kick off). Sometimes hed see DS twice a week, sometimes just once a month, dependant on his mood.

There was always issues at pick up and drop offs - either inappropriate behaviour ( trying to kiss me, grabbing my backside etc ) or verbal abuse and threats.

I put up with this for months as I desperately wanted him and DS to have a relationship but it all kicked off last saturday when he came to see DS ( visit was in my home as ExP said that he was very busy until Jan so would just be coming round once a week to do bath and bed ).

We got into a row and he attempted to punch me whilst he was holding the baby - I was horrified and told him he needed to leave immediately. He refused and was shouting, swearing and refusing to hand DS over to me. It was upsetting DS so I kept asking him to calm down for DSs sake... ExP said that it was me winding him up and that if i f****d off for 5 mins he would calm down. So like the idiot I am I went for a walk - I had been gone for 2 mins when I got a bad feeling so turned back - and caught him red handed trying to run off with DS. I caught him and managed to get the buggy off him - all the time hes saying he was just taking him for a walk ( it was after 9pm, DS had no coat on and he had taken DS medicine).

Got back in the house and called the police - when someone finally showed I was told that he hadnt actually hit me so there was no crime and as he is on the birth certificate they couldnt do anything if he ran off with DS!

I have instructed a solicitor who is applying for a non molestation order - my issue is what do I now do about access and visits?I do not want him in my home after trying to punch me and I cant let him take DS as I know he will not bring him back.

Hes called 28 times today and sent dozens of messages all demanding to see his son - he is furious. Do I have to arrange access with him or do I just tell him no access unless he sorts out a contact order through the court?

QuiteLikely5 Mon 26-Oct-15 21:42:37

I would not let him in. Organise a solicitor ASAP and take this to court. Keep all abusive text messages.

Also send one final text stating that he must now organise contact via the family courts and if he contacts you one more time you will call the police on the basis of harassment.

Nevergoingtolearn Mon 26-Oct-15 21:44:08

I would be tempted to say 'no access until contact order is sorted', either that or you arrange visits in a contact centre or with another adult present ( so your not on your own when he picks up ds ), but if you are worried about him hurting ds or not bringing him back I would stop contact and call the police if he turns up.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Mon 26-Oct-15 21:58:45

Thanks for the replies.

Went to solicitors today, she is applying for a restraining order (which he knows) and has said to deny access and wait for him to apply to court. I text him and advised him today in the hope the non stop calls and texts would stop - but its just made him worse. Hes said im a terrible mother, that he'll get social services to remove DS and the one that really gets me - that if I stop access DS will hate me when hes older and wont want to know me sad.

I just wanted my son to have his dad in his life - but I cant risk him running off with him ( ExP isn't British and has threatened to take him back to his home country - and I know if he did I would never see him again)

Ugh! I just cant believe its turned out like this...

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Mon 26-Oct-15 22:02:28

I guess my main question is - can I apply for a residence order saying DS lives with me or does that only come about once the NRP applies for a contact order? And if ExP has never been abusive to DS and has no substance abuse issues can I still insist on supervised visits?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 27-Oct-15 02:48:46

Your solicitor has given you sound advice to withhold contact (deny access) and wait to see if your exp makes application to the family courts

Residence and contact orders have been replaced* by child arrangements orders. As your exp is named on the birth cert he shares parental responsibility for your ds with you and he can apply to the family courts for a child arrangements order as can you, but at the present time there is nothing to be gained from you making application.

Please be reassured that, should he make any such an application, he will first be required to attend a mediation and information assessment meeting (MIAM) and at that time you should discuss with your solicitor whether, in view of his harrassment and attempted assault, she advises you to attend.

Your solicitor has given you sound advice to withhold contact (deny access) and wait to see if your exp makes application to the family courts and you are best advised to have no further communction with him. If he seeks legal advice he will be told that he can apply to a contact centre for supervised access to your ds. It isn't your place to advise him, nor should you attempt to do so as he can find this information for himself.

Keep all of the texts/messages he sends you and call the police if he turns up on your doorstep or attempts to harass you outside of your home. It would seem that your solicitor is applying for a non-molestation order with an order granting power of arrest and once you have the order the police will have no excuse reason not to arrest him if breaches it.

If you do not have a passport for your ds I would suggest you apply now as it will establish a) whether your ex has applied and b) go some way to prevent him from taking your ds out of the country. If you apply for a passport for your ds your exp will not be able to obtain another. If your ds has a passport make sure it is kept hidden in a safe place - i.e not in an unlocked drawer.

In view of your concern that your exp may attempt to remove your ds from your care and possibly remove him out of the UK, in the absence of a childcare arrangements order I would suggest you talk to your solicitor about applying for a prohibited steps order to deal with this issue.

Your exp's contact with your ds has been irregular to say the least, and the manner in which he has demanded to have contact when it suits him, including overnight stays for such a young infant, shows little concern for your ds's welfare and his need for consistency. Does he pay child maintenance regularly?

It seems to me that you've allowed yourself to be bullied by your exp into letting him have his own way to the possible detriment of your ds, who now needs a prolonged period of peace and calm to recover from the trauma caused by a highly upsetting incident in which his father attempted to strike his mother while he was in her arms and take him from his home.

It's in the very best interests of your ds for you to stand firm and follow the advice given to you by your solicitor. As your exp is one of those who given an inch will take a mile, you must guard against allowing anything he says to cause you to lose confidence in your ability to do what is right for your baby and, needless to say, you should never let him in your home again. Do you have a supportive family or friends who can stand shoulder to shoulder with you?

Your ds will most certainly not grow up to hate you for protecting him from his father's excesses, but he may come to despise you if you don't.

*those who have these orders do not need to re-apply.

springydaffs Tue 27-Oct-15 03:09:02

I desperately wanted him and DS to have a relationship

WHY would you want this savage in your precious son's life????
Just bcs he provided the ONE sperm doesn't make him a father. He is no more a father than a hog. Would you let a stanger treat you like this, treat your son like this? No you wouldn't. It's horrifying you are doing this in the name of a 'relationship'. There is NO RELATIONSHIP. He is using your son to abuse YOU.

Get in touch with Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Call at night as lines busy during the day (that tells you something...), 7pm-7am. Get them onside, you need them.
Give up ALL idea of a 'relationship'. Fight and fight to get this vile creature out of your son's life.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:59:09

Went to court on Thursday and got a non-molestation order and a prohibitive steps order against Ex - not sure if its been served yet as he's still knocking my door and calling constantly - however by doing this I seem to have opened a big can of worms for myself

HV came on Thurs morn (before court) and we had a chat about DS
... she asked the usual, hows his eating, sleeping etc. I said its fine but bedtime had gone a bit wrong the last few months ( DS wont go upstairs at bedtime without screaming hysterically and after weeks of trying to get him to settle I decided that it was best for both of us to just cuddle on the sofa until he drops off and then put him in his cot.) I did stress to her that I didn't think this was an issue as DS was a lot happier, it only took 30 mins for him to fall asleep and that once he was off he didnt stir until 7/8 in the morning. HV was not happy and said that I needed to be firmer and make him go to sleep on his own - I stated that this wasn't my style and why would I distress my DS like that when I dont have to, and assumed that that was the end of it.

HV called on Friday to say that she had referred me to marac and that this would entail a visit from Social Services - then proceeded to tell me that she would be back next Thurs as "you need to sort that bedtime routine out".

WTF does this have to do with Ex trying to run off with DS!? I feel like I'm being punished for reporting him and having my right to parent how I choose taken away from me... I dont want to do controlled crying on DS and think it would be detrimental to his emotional well being. Im now also concerned that Social Services are going to try and force me to change how I parent my son - and its not like I can tell them to do one is it?

I actually want to cry - I am a good mother and my son is happy, well looked after and loved more than anything. My home is clean and safe - there is no cause for concern, I called them for advice about ExP not because I need help rasing my son.

Is there anything I can do or do I have to do CC? Im just worried that if I say " thanks for the advice but I prefer to do things my way" that SS will use it against me... Im starting to understand why so many women don't report DV sad

43percentburnt Sat 31-Oct-15 21:28:27

Could you read up on attachment parenting and say thAt is your preferred method? Ask hv for tips on that just to pay lip service. Foster carers and adopters attend attachment and bonding courses so social services should be very aware of attachment parenting.

Please keep a diary and copies of texts, emails etc. write up conversations immediately afterwards if he talks to you or leaves voicemails. He sounds awful.

Oh and the 'he will hate you when he grows up' is part of the script. It's a very typical thing for such a tosser to say. Along with bad mother, calling you selfish, not capable of caring or coping, expect to be told you are mental or crazy. I'd be very surprised if he doesn't use all these phrases.

Take care and stay strong. You are doing the right thing for your ds.

43percentburnt Sat 31-Oct-15 21:32:19

Oh and our ds didn't drop to sleep on his own until 2. We co slept until then. I see it as a milestone, they walk when they are ready, talk when ready, fall asleep alone when ready. Ds was potty trained before he fell asleep alone! Hv may be worried that you are struggling to cope if he doesn't go to sleep alone and that you want her to solve the problem.

Lweji Sat 31-Oct-15 21:33:42

I'd report that HV.
She has no business criticising your bedtime routine if the child is happy.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:49:52

Aaargh! Just wrote a long reply and deleted it.

43percent Thats a good idea about the AP and will try and press that point on Thursday

lweji My DM said the same ( except with a few more choice words ) and wants to come on thurs to back me up, but I feel like that would give the HV the idea that I cant cope on my own.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:55:29

43 oh yes smile I've had it all this week including " only go to court if you never want to see DS again because SS will never let a crazy bitch like you keep him".

He's a silver tongued devil that one hmm

Lweji Sat 31-Oct-15 22:06:18

About coping on your own.

It's ok to ask for help, particularly when other people (your ex, HV) are hounding you.

Never be afraid of asking for help. That is what makes you strong, recognising when you do need it.

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