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Shit Stirring.

(18 Posts)
Roseformeplease Mon 26-Oct-15 19:23:01

I wonder if anyone else does this.

I am one of 4 daughters. Dad dead but parents long divorced. Mum an alcoholic who now has terminal cancer. Not looking for sympathy - that is just background.

4 sisters. 1 speaks to me fairly regularly. 1 occasionally but more since Mum's illness, One refuses to speak to any of us and is completely ignoring Mum's illness.

The NC sister I have no means of contacting without going through someone else. However, I find myself shit stirring. We have a chat group between 3 of us, about my Mum and medical stuff. All well. But, when 1 sister wanted to contact NC sister I suggested including her in the chat because, I suppose , I want to make her care.

But, we are all much, much happier without her. She is cruel and toxic and our lives are easier without her. I know her involvement will make 2 of us very unhappy. 1 sister is desperate to be in touch and I stupidly encouraged her, more to see what would happen.

To shit stir? Really. Am feeling such a cow for even going along with it. Partly, I want to have some information about her life. I want to make her see the hurt she has caused,

Why? Anyone else do this? Like poking a snake with s stick when you know it will strike.

poolsclosed Tue 27-Oct-15 06:38:33

Hi Roseformeplease
I don't have very much to contribute because I don't know all the details surrounding this situation with your sisters, but I didn't want to read and run.

For what it's worth I think you should leave her alone. It seems as though she went NC for a reason and it's unlikely that reaching out to her will have any effect.

Axekick Tue 27-Oct-15 07:15:20

What do you mean by you are shit stirring?

What is it that you are doing?

Imbroglio Tue 27-Oct-15 08:23:10

I can see its difficult because ideally all four of you work together to support your mum and have some resolution fro whatever happened in your past and with your mother.

I think if you are extending a genuine olive branch that is one thing, but if you are trying to draw her in to a fresh conflict with you and your other sisters then you are wise (and honest and brave) to reflect on that.

Is is too late to make it an olive branch, even if it didn't start out that way?

CherryPicking Tue 27-Oct-15 10:36:16

By shit stir, do you mean you're deliberately playing family members off against each other? If so, why?

RiceCrispieTreats Tue 27-Oct-15 12:11:17

As you say yourself, you want something from the NC sister: you want to make her care.

Unfortunately, that is not within your power, and therefore poking the snake is just bound to disappoint you: you can't make other people feel what you want them to feel. She will care if and when she chooses to. Not because you've stirred the pot.

So, I totally understand your motivation - this is a very emotive situation, after all. But recognise what you are doing, and ask yourself if it is really worth it: you're only headed for more disappointment and hurt.

Roseformeplease Tue 27-Oct-15 20:39:43

Shit stirring in that I do want her involved because my Mum is going to die, quite soon. Sister knows this, but is in denial. If I included her in the group chats, then she would be able to read all the medical stuff, and would know how bad things are. However, it is shit stirring because it will stir up shot. One sister is desperate to contact NC sister, the other one, and I, not so much. Making her pay attention to my Mum is a cruel thing to do because she will see how bad things are. But....Part of me knows that her involvement is bad for us all and that encouraging one sister to contact her is just risking all our happiness.

I am not really sure why she has gone NC. There is a list of grievances, one of which is her trying to sue DH and BiL as my Mum owes her money. She was Mum's POA (not in law, but acted for her) but wanted to sell Mum's flat to recoup her money. Mum, after advice from Age Concern, rescinded the POA. But, in the letter, she said DH and BiL would advise her. Sister now holds them personally liable for the debt, run up while Mum was in her "care". There is a grievance against me from 5 years ago (Dad's funeral) but it is odd because she has spoken to me, received presents, sent messages etc since then, but has only gone NC in the last few months, partly because I suspect her personal curcuma tanned mean she is lashing out. However, rationally, these are not our fault.

Also, my Mum is dying. So, I am angry and want to lash out. Hence the shit stirring. I changed my mind and told my sister not to include NC sister in the group chat, but I just wanted to reflect on me possible engineering a situation where there would be angry words and cruel messages.

Why do I want this? Why did other sister immediately see it as stupid, yet I did not. Was I deliberately shit stirring?

Roseformeplease Tue 27-Oct-15 20:42:10

Circumstances = curcuma tanned.

Stinkilinky Tue 27-Oct-15 20:44:48

FWIW I don't think you are shit stirring OP. You are just stuck in a difficult situ ion and trying to do what you think is best.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum flowers

Imbroglio Tue 27-Oct-15 20:56:36

It sounds like a really tricky situation but for what it's worth I think you should let your sister know that her mother is so ill. Maybe just the sister who gets on with her best - you don't need to add her to the chat group if you feel uncomfortable with that.

Roseformeplease Tue 27-Oct-15 22:18:15

My sister knows, intellectually, my Mum is ill and has only weeks to live. ( Or maybe months but not a year) but she does not seem to KNOW. She has been told but just replied that she had spoken to Mum and she sounds fine.

I just want everyone to pull together but, sadly, it won't happen. I suppose, sometimes, I want a reaction from her - any reaction - hence my suggestion of contact which I quickly rescinded as shit stirring.

I suppose I feel a bitch for wanting to provoke her. And foolish, as it really doesn't work.

DH tried to explain that I should see her as like an abusive or unpleasant ex. I might want to call, text and scream but best left really.

Is it human nature to want to stir things up or am I odd?

springydaffs Tue 27-Oct-15 22:25:38

Sounds like you want revenge? To make her pay somehow? To call her to account?

You are facing your mum dying. Grief does strange things to people.

Imbroglio Wed 28-Oct-15 03:59:48

Yes I think that you are dealing with the imminent loss of your mother and it's weird for you that she's not really taking it in.

My experience with my sibling is that he isn't coping with our mother being near death and his response has been to ignore what's happening with her and to needle me over just about everything to the point that I've almost cut contact with him. So be careful. However, in your shoes I'd make sure she gets medical updates so that she can take it in in her own time.

Roseformeplease Wed 28-Oct-15 14:55:46

I actually think springydaffs probably has it. There is an element of revenge about it. (Not that I have actually DONE anything, I just think about it all the time and encouraged another sister to contact her, but then immediately changed my mind). She has done things to me which make me very angry and upset. She is not visiting my mother, or showing any concern. She has plenty of money, so it is not that.

I suppose I want to tell her how I feel. I also want to be her sister and talk to her (she used to be so lovely) about our Mum and have another person to be with at this time. But I can't. She cut off all contact and has not given her new address or phone number etc. She asked me to cease sending gifts to her and the children (but did then moan to someone that their birthdays had been forgotten!). So, I am doing as asked. I am also better without her as she is extremely nasty at times.

So, partly, I want to show her! And that worries me. Does that make me a bad person - something she has accused me of. I suppose it is thought now, not deed and I just have to resist the urge to do anything.

Anyway - thanks for all those who are helping me with this.

Branleuse Wed 28-Oct-15 18:24:52

it doesnt sound like shit stirring to me. Not the usual definition of it

springydaffs Wed 28-Oct-15 21:14:57

Sounds like you're goading her into a reaction - out of anger and resentment?: come on! Step up! Take your place!

Perfectly understandable imo. She hurt you, you don't understand what has happened (in the past), you don't understand why she isn't stepping up now. And probably you miss her (the lovely her anyway). At times of crisis we like to think family pull together, all quarrels put aside. But that isn't happening and perhaps you want to poke a stick in her side to get her to wake up and join in what you are all facing - should be facing together.

derxa Thu 29-Oct-15 10:23:19

Well I'm sure your NC sister could tell a different story.

Roseformeplease Thu 29-Oct-15 11:42:52

She probably would. She would say that I am older, and bossy. She would say that I have not visited my mother, until recently, very often. She would say that I should have spent more money on my father's funeral.

I would counter (were I given the chance) that many of my "sins" are down to a combination of not being a high earner (teacher) and living a long way away. Also, I did not deal well with my mother's alcoholism (my way of coping was to stay away) or the subsequent rages. My Mum is drinking much less, and is very lovely as a result.

I think there are 2 sides to every story but I also think that if you have a lot of money (both her and DH were bankers) , it is all too easy to be unforgiving of those who have to make different choices.

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