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Anyone forgiven a cheater?

(76 Posts)
UnexpectedSingleMum Mon 26-Oct-15 18:31:07

Just as the title says....has anyone taken back a cheating DH and how did it pan out?

PoundingTheStreets Mon 26-Oct-15 18:54:31

I'm sorry you've had to go through that. sad flowers

Other people's answers aren't really going to help you though, as there will be as many outcomes as there are cheaters. There is no right answer. So much depends on the reasons for cheating, the fall out afterwards and what the individuals involved want from the future.

If you want to reconcile, the first step absolutely has to be complete ownership of responsibility by the person who cheated. Any attempt at "I only did it because..." is a sign it won't work out. It also requires a searing self-honesty from both partners, but particularly the cheating partner, and an ability to have a completely honest conversation where honesty is valued above feelings (partiularly needing to think well of yourself, which is a trap many cheaters fall into), but not in a way that is deliberately calculated to hurt. That's not easy to do when betrayal and guilt are thrown in the mix.

People can, and do, come back from affairs. But it's not easy and I'd go as far as to say that 8 times out of 10 it doesn't really work. sad

Tomboyinatutu Mon 26-Oct-15 18:59:36

I took my ex back and he just carried on cheating, over and over. I finally gave my head a wobble and ended it. Not to say that this is what all people who cheat do. Some do it once, realise they made a big mistake and never do it again. You will find it hard to trust again though and trust is important.

SofiaAmes Mon 26-Oct-15 19:00:49

I took my ex back and he just stepped up the cheating even more. It was like I had given him license to it by forgiving him.

LovesPeace Mon 26-Oct-15 19:07:22

Hell no.
I'd rather take a chance with one of the millions of men who haven't yet cheated on me than waste time with 100% proven cheating arse.

Lacoba66 Mon 26-Oct-15 19:17:53

I think it can also depend how long the betrayal has been going on for.

A 'brief' betrayal is possibly more forgivable, than something that has been on-going for sometime, as the continuation of lies that are needed to maintain that level of deceit (in my opinion) impact greatly on whether it's possible to comeback from.

I also agree that 'trust' is a vital component, but would like to add that 'respect' is just as vital. Could I respect someone again who clearly had shown me so little or none- I don't think I could.

Offred Mon 26-Oct-15 19:20:10

There is a difference between taking someone back and forgiving them. You can't force forgiveness by force of mind, either you have forgiven or you haven't but IMO cheating is pretty unforgivable.

Lacoba66 Mon 26-Oct-15 19:26:22

Offred I agree with the forgiveness thing, and think it's worth mentioning that eventually you can choose to forgive someone for their betrayal, but that doesn't mean you accept them back in to your life!

Seeyounearertime Mon 26-Oct-15 20:03:44

I tried to forgive my cheating EXW, didn't work.
Every time she was out longer than she said, I'd wonder where she was.
Every time I called her and she didn't answer, I'd wonder where she was.
Every extra shift at work she agreed to do, I'd wonder where she was.
Eventually the paranoia ate me up and I made up a reason to go home from work, she was out, I called her, apparently she was in Tescos, shopping, strangely her purse and shopping bags were on the kitchen table. When I pointed that out she went very quiet and said she'd come home straight away. Tesco, 20 minutes away, I waited an hour, no sign.

Needless to say, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're wrong.

UnexpectedSingleMum Mon 26-Oct-15 20:04:48

Interesting...I know there is no right or wrong and each scenario so different so I appreciate your take on it. I'm sorry So many of you have been through it. I've never felt pain like it.
I categorically never thought I would even consider taking back someone who had hurt me so badly & done something so despicable but here I am, considering it 10 months down the line when the dust has well & truly settled.

Offred Mon 26-Oct-15 20:05:21

Yes lacoba!

Though I think it is much more common to take someone back and never forgive them - which is much much worse for your mental health!

Offred Mon 26-Oct-15 20:07:31

Unexpected - as I see it the forgiving part is not a decision you make as such, it's just something you find you can do/have done really. Whether to take someone back or not is a decision. I wouldn't recommend taking someone back if they have cheated on you but I would positively reject taking someone back if you haven't reached forgiveness!

UnexpectedSingleMum Mon 26-Oct-15 20:21:00

Makes total sense Offred. It's so hard to know whether I have / can forgive. I'm certainly not angry any more and I feel like I want to try. Again, all a total surprise to me....
seeyounearer that sounds horrific but your gut must've been telling you something - I knew from day 1 in my gut something was going on despite him never having cheated before or me being a paranoid person.

Offred Mon 26-Oct-15 20:24:48

If you think unemotionally what do you think is behind wanting to try?

Offred Mon 26-Oct-15 20:25:57

Sometimes you don't know whether you can/have forgiven without trying tbh but it's a BIG BIG risk - you might get trapped by the trying and have to extricate yourself and any DC from the relationship all over again.

Funinthesun15 Mon 26-Oct-15 20:26:24

My DBro took his ExW back.

It didn't end well.....

Ragwort Mon 26-Oct-15 20:37:33

My DH and I did get back together after he cheated, we spend a lot of time and money at Relate counselling. We are still together 16 years later but our relationship was never really the same afterwards - I have 'accepted' the affair rather than 'forgiven' him and it has caused me much sadness. In hindsight I wish I had been stronger and ended the relationship at the time - I don't think either of us is particularly happy in our marriage although we probably give the impression to outsiders that we are OK.

UnexpectedSingleMum Mon 26-Oct-15 20:48:23

Offred it's not an unemotional reason but ultimately I just want my family unit back. When we were good, we were good. That's the problem - I don't want to mess dc's around any more than they have been so I'm trying to be as sure as I can.
Ragwort that's unbelievably honest & really helpful as that is one of my biggest fears. Thank you for your honesty. I'm so, so sorry you feel that way. Were there dc's ?

Ragwort Mon 26-Oct-15 20:52:11

Unexpected - don't flame me but we had a child (only one) after we got back together as a sort of 'commitment' to making the marriage work; don't whether to laugh or cry as I write that. I can honestly say that DH is a very devoted/hands on Dad; in fact he is probably a better parent than I am.

Offred Mon 26-Oct-15 20:53:42

I'm not sure that's possible though. Things would be different if you went back. You would have to start the relationship again but with a truckload of baggage from the past. Getting back together wouldn't wave a magic wand and make things like they were.

Do you want him back, cheating and all?

Offred Mon 26-Oct-15 20:54:47

If you didn't have any DC would you want to give things another go?

Jelly101 Mon 26-Oct-15 20:58:27

A couple of years ago, I took back my ex. He continued to cheat on me until I became aware of this a year later and I decided to end the relationship. I then heard that he had been telling people that it didn't matter that he had cheated, he had got away with it once, so he didn't need to be careful about getting caught again. In most cases, a leopard never changes its spots.

SofiaAmes Mon 26-Oct-15 21:02:29

I have dc's and that was my stupid warped reason for trying to forgive. It was in retrospect a really bad reason. I only wish I had gotten more support from those around me (society/professionals) to gauge whether the marriage was worth saving and if my ex was worth keeping around for the sake of the kids. The common "wisdom" seems to be that it's important to maintain the family unit and keep dad in the kids' lives no matter what and in our case that was really really bad advice. My dc's (and I) would have been much better off if I had not tried to save the marriage and the family unit. I am now still trying to pick up the pieces of all of our lives 3 years after finally realizing that saving the marriage was not a wise idea and getting the courage to finally kick him out.

bigbumbrunette Mon 26-Oct-15 21:03:01

I've not forgiven my 'D'H but have given him another chance. We're not making our marriage work, we're starting again with a new marriage. It still hurts and he's still putting in a lot of effort (I found out 6 months ago). I don't know if it'll work out but he's taken full responsibility and is full of remorse which was the major starting point for me. We have DC and whilst I've not taken him back 'for the children' I can categorically say he'd have no chance if we didn't have that tie.

UnexpectedSingleMum Mon 26-Oct-15 21:16:33

Ragwort I wouldn't ever judge. Your reasons are/were valid to you & your dc and are nobody else's business. I'm sure your dc is happy and loved and you are a brilliant Mum.
offred he was the love of my life. We have the exact same sense of humour. I do want him back and I do want my family unit back. But I'm conscious what people will think of me and I'm scared of being wrong.
Would I consider it without dc's? Probably not.
bigbumbrunette did you separate or just carry on? We've been apart since March. I hope it works out how you wanted.
sofia & jelly I'm sorry it didn't work out & hope things are getting better now? The impact and ripple effect of cheating is just so massive sad

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