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I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

(436 Posts)
whostheJohnsonnow Mon 26-Oct-15 18:15:34

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

MairzyDoats Mon 26-Oct-15 18:18:24

How long have you been together, and is he contributing to your living expenses? How often does he stay? I hate the phrase cocklodging, but is this one of those situations or does he just assume you're delighted?

Wolfiefan Mon 26-Oct-15 18:19:35

How temporary is the job? Could you put up with it?
Say I'm busy tomorrow so you can't stay.
Lie! Say you've found out it is a condition of the lease that you can't have anyone living with you.

SurlyCue Mon 26-Oct-15 18:20:28

Tell him its not happening. Simple as that. Get it out there now before ut becomes a problem. Lay all the cards on the table - you dont want to change the status of your relationship, you dont want to live together, you just want to remain as before. Dont pussy foot around this one. Its too big to be vague about.

SurlyCue Mon 26-Oct-15 18:22:02

Dont lie!! confused you are both adults I'm assuming? He doesnt need to be patronised! He can handle the truth and if you cant manage to tell him it then you've no business being in any relationship!

PrincessHairyMclary Mon 26-Oct-15 18:23:16

If you like him and want to continue the relationship are you able to fib and say the landlord/ job said you can't share the tenancy. Also what about Council Tax etc you'll be liable to pay the full amount if his documents say he is living with you.

PrincessHairyMclary Mon 26-Oct-15 18:24:03

Oops X post

popalot Mon 26-Oct-15 18:27:42

This is what my ex did. He gradually moved in without my consent and thus without any conversation about bills/rent and then proceeded to live for free for the next 4 years, with me tenderly broaching the subject and him getting shitty every time. So my advise is be clear and tell him you have not discussed living together and actually would prefer separate living spaces. Any bad reaction is rude at the least because would you have moved in with him without asking first? No!

VimFuego101 Mon 26-Oct-15 18:35:31

I think you need to be clear about exactly how many overnights you feel you can deal with.

stoppingbywoods Mon 26-Oct-15 18:40:40

Just tell him you don't feel ready to live together and you're sorry if you unintentionally misled him.

minimalist000001 Mon 26-Oct-15 18:42:29

Did you say when you discussed the address change that he wasn't actually going to live with you.

PoundingTheStreets Mon 26-Oct-15 18:45:48

One of my Xs did this. He also turned out to be a bit of a cock-lodger, so be warned.

Turn it on its head. If it were you in the same situation, would you have assumed that being able to use someone's address for employment purposes would have meant you could live there? No, thought not. Probably you'd have thought that was dead cheeky and wouldn't have even presumed to ask. And nor would it to any other like-minded person.

And that's your answer. This behaviour says a LOT about his attitudes towards you and relationships.

var123 Mon 26-Oct-15 18:46:22

Tell him that you don't want to live with anyone just yet, but you love having him stay over frequently. So, he's welcome to leave a few things for when he stays over, but its not his home.

Not giving him a key would help.

lighteningirl Mon 26-Oct-15 18:52:35

You say you don't want to upset him but he doesn't seem to be considering you. Has he offered to pay half your rent bills and food? If he's anyway decent he should be offering or at least mentioning these issues. I was single for 15 years every single boyfriend I had tried to move in with me. My now husband when he broached the subject also mentioned future marriage plans and suggested a fair financial layout. This would be a huge red flag for me how old is he? How long have you been together? I hate sharing my space and my dh has had to seriously step up to make it worth my while don't let yourself be manoeuvered into this.

whostheJohnsonnow Mon 26-Oct-15 18:52:42

Bloody hell. I hadn't even thought about the council tax!

He's been staying at my place A LOT of the time since I moved here in April. He buys shopping occasionally, but has mostly been out of work, so has no money. I buy most of the food, and he's never contributed anything for the bills.

I've sort of let it slide as I know things aren't easy for him. I shouldn't have said he could use my address in the first place. I just wanted to help him find a job. Now I'm in a really uncomfortable situation, and I don't want to upset him!

lighteningirl Mon 26-Oct-15 18:54:24

He doesn't mind upsetting you.........

MrsMolesworth Mon 26-Oct-15 18:56:28

Just be honest and pleasant. And very aware that his reaction will be massively revealing of his true character.

If you say you really enjoy his company but don't feel ready to be living with him yet, and don't want the relationship to slide into this as a convenience, so would he be happy to commute more often, see what he says in reply. I'd expect anyone to be embarrassed and hurt to receive this message, but then they will either be considerate of your feelings or angry they are not getting their own way.

ImperialBlether Mon 26-Oct-15 18:58:14

So where is his home?

whostheJohnsonnow Mon 26-Oct-15 19:16:44

A neighbouring county Imperial. I'd rather not say as I've probably given enough away as it is. It's commutable though for certain.

ImperialBlether Mon 26-Oct-15 19:23:36

No, sorry, I didn't mean "Give me the full address, including postcode!" I just wondered whether he had somewhere else he could go to.

If he was on the dole then that money is for living expenses - it's not right that he keeps that and you pay for almost everything.

Cabrinha Mon 26-Oct-15 19:24:45

Well the very first thing I thought of was council tax!
The pair of you have agreed to him using your address, so currently you're falsely claiming your discount I should think.

I think you should be honest that living together is too soon for you - if your relationship can't stand that conversation, you may as let him go.

But as your home is linked to a voluntary job, presumably it's easy enough to lie that he can't stay. In fact - are you sure that isn't really the case?

If you are OK with him staying temporarily, I'd use the council tax as a reason to start the conversation about what he needs to contribute.

LittleFeileFooFoo Mon 26-Oct-15 19:24:51

Why don't you want him to get upset?
What mrsmole said,
Just tell him that you need your space. I presume yours isn't a palatial flat, you need your privacy sometimes. He'll agree or he won't

pocketsaviour Mon 26-Oct-15 19:26:40

If it's commutable from his relative's place to his job, there's no reason not to bring this up. Gently.

"You know Bob, we have only been together for X months, but you seem to be spending more time here at my place than at your own home. I love you, but I don't want to move in together at this stage. So can we make it a routine arrangement that you only stay on Friday and Saturday nights?"

iMatter Mon 26-Oct-15 19:28:17

Tell him you're not allow to have (cock)lodgers as part of the terms of the lease? It's a flat that comes with a job so not unlikely. If you left your job they could get rid of you but would be harder to get rid of him. Worth a punt?

Arfarfanarf Mon 26-Oct-15 19:28:22

if you're not happy then say so. He is clearly happy to use you as a base and he sure as shit isn't considering you, is he?

I really don't think you have to prioritise his feelings above your own.

Tell him that it isn't ok to move in with you, and it certainly isn't ok to use your flat as a base and not pay his way.

He is doing it because it's cheaper for him and he doesn't care that he's making it more expensive for you.

If he gets upset when this is pointed out to him, he's an arse because the only acceptable response is I am sorry, I didn't think. What is ok with you?

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