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Do you know anyone happily married, who doesn't live with their spouse?

(47 Posts)
HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom Mon 26-Oct-15 10:28:13

I'm in a new (6 months) relationship with a wonderful man who I love to pieces. We are ridiculously happy together.

We're both in our 40s, with plenty of relationship experience. I know, I know, I know that 6 months is crazily early to be thinking like this, but we've both felt like we've hit the jackpot pretty much since day 1.

We want to get married. I've said no to getting engaged because I've been engaged twice before hmm and I feel like a bit of a twat doing it a third time. Thing is, for practical reasons (teenage children, elderly parent, geography) we wouldn't be able to live together full-time for four years at least.

Would it be ridiculous to marry and continue our current living arrangement (pretty much 50/50 his and mine)?

It would, wouldn't it? Please tell me I'm as daft as a brush and need a head wobble grin

Soveryupset Mon 26-Oct-15 10:33:26

My aunt and uncle did this for 15 years and are still happily married now, many years later.

kikooa Mon 26-Oct-15 10:38:20

Well Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton did until they split

NotTodaySatan Mon 26-Oct-15 10:40:55

I would happily live separately from a partner (have zero interest in marriage).

In my opinion the mundanity of living with someone can often have a hugely negative impact on the relationship.

Being able to see someone when I wanted to and have my own space when I wanted to sounds bloody ideal.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom Mon 26-Oct-15 10:45:52

So it's not entirely bonkers then. I figure people often live apart because of work commitments, but generally they have a joint base, whereas we'd have two.

PoundingTheStreets Mon 26-Oct-15 10:47:07

Not married, but committed LTR. DP sort of lives with us. He is on the verge of moving in properly. I am considering telling him not to.

He is a lovely, lovely man and I love him to pieces. He cooks way more than I do, walks my dog, does loads with the kids, vacuums and is generally wonderful. He also leaves piles of random 'stuff' (think mail and cycling magazines) lying around the place, and while it sounds petty, it is seriously affecting how I feel about having him around. Staying separate might save things.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom Mon 26-Oct-15 10:49:18

Sovery, was there a particular reason why your aunt and uncle lived apart?

Iflyaway Mon 26-Oct-15 10:55:18

My neighbour.

He and his wife have been together over 30 years..

They each have their own place.

It's how I'd want to be too, after an abusive marriage. No way am I going to be a skivvy to any man anymore grin

FinallyHere Mon 26-Oct-15 10:57:01

Living apart makes for a really easy live, but was also stopping us from being really close. Not altogether a bad thing, but it is possible to tolerate stuff happening someplace else that needs to get sorted if you are together. I used to be very keen in it, for an easy life but have come round to think its worth the effort to be together.

DH and i were a couple, for nearly ten years, with never a cross word, while we lived too far apart to really live in the same space. We each changed jobs and agreed that, if we bought together we could get a nicer place in a place that would suit us both.

There followed a really difficult time, where we seemed to disagree about everything. We had been doing my place, my rules and each just expected their rules to work in the new house. It was quite an effort to spit what was happening and sort it out together. I din't say it was easy, but we are now closer than we were before. Having to negotiate, well, everything, was a bit tedious but the way we set about it confirmed that we respected each other and that we are good together.

Good luck.

Gruach Mon 26-Oct-15 10:59:05

A few years ago a poster started a thread to announce that her long term, non-resident partner was, with her blessing, about to put in an offer on the cottage next to hers.

I have never felt such envy. It seems an ideal way to live.

Alternatively, in your sort of situation it might be fun to set up a sort of mini-commune with grandparents, independent or nearly independent offspring, and partners all living in a group, but in separate buildings.

mmmuffins Mon 26-Oct-15 11:03:06

I didn't live with DH when we got married and for the 9 months following, due to working in different parts of the country.

My parents live on different continents for financial reasons, but are happily married and would much prefer to live together. I have known other people whose parents lived on different continents for similar reasons as well.

I'm aware of several couples who work in academia who live in different countries due to work.

So not as unusual as you might think.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom Mon 26-Oct-15 11:03:24

30 years Ifly? Wow!

Pounding, I'd forgotten about the strain that kind of comparatively trivial niggle can put on a relationship. I'm chronically untidy blush

I wonder if, if we could reasonably live together sooner, I'd be less occupied with the idea of being married so quickly. In which case I'm probably thinking about it for the wrong reasons - it's the ultimate way of showing commitment in the absence of other means <ponders>

Say we did get married, in 2 years maybe, would people think we were weird? If they did, would it matter?

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom Mon 26-Oct-15 11:09:10

Finally, the practicalities of actually moving in together after such long period scare me a bit. Your insight is really thought-provoking, thank you flowers

Gru a commune would be ideal - we've discussed this over Lotto tickets already grin

muffins - thank you. I guess it's not that unusual. I know plenty of people in the military for whom it's the norm - goodness knows why I think it's so unusual!

AnotherEmma Mon 26-Oct-15 11:25:46

Hmmm. I would never marry someone without living with them first. I think living together tests the relationship in a way, because you discover things about them that you wouldn't otherwise. It makes the relationship both more intimate and more mundane. If it throws up any issues I'd want to know about them and work on them before making a big commitment like marriage (or getting a mortgage together or having kids together).

Having said that, I imagine it could work for some couples if they lived close to each other or even next door. But any further apart and it seems a bit strange to me.

As for your situation, OP...
"I've said no to getting engaged because I've been engaged twice before hmm and I feel like a bit of a twat doing it a third time."
This doesn't make much sense to me. So your previous relationships didn't work out - so what? It's probably a good thing you ended things before actually getting married! I think marrying someone after such a short time would be more foolish than getting engaged for a third time. You don't have to make a big deal of it, you don't even have to get an engagement ring if you don't want one.

Presumably you've thought about the legal and financial implications? As you would need to protect your assets before marriage and write a will ensuring that they go to your children (not your new husband) when you die.

Elendon Mon 26-Oct-15 11:28:13

I've known two couples who have done this by design. The first couple it was highly unusual as they got married in the 80s and never lived together. When he died, she was distraught. They were both brilliant people, who loved each other very much and had no children.

The second couple live a street down from each other, have a DD, and it works! They too love each other very much.

Disclosure here in that both admitted that if they ever did live together, that would be the end of the relationship - all of them weren't that good at sharing their home.

brokenhearted55a Mon 26-Oct-15 11:34:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shinyhappypeople9 Mon 26-Oct-15 11:54:22

I personally wouldn't get married to someone I've only known 6 months.

ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats Mon 26-Oct-15 11:59:11

I'm watching this with interest. Been with DP for nearly 18 months, and we are thinking about moving in together. But there's a bit of me that thinks we need our own space, for various reasons - I would love him to be next door or round the corner. Or even in an annexe at the bottom of the garden grin

chrome100 Mon 26-Oct-15 11:59:24

I don't think there's anything wrong with living apart but what's the point of getting married?

chrome100 Mon 26-Oct-15 12:01:33

why the rush?

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom Mon 26-Oct-15 12:03:07

Another - that's a far more positive way of thinking about the engagements. I had the sense to leave before actually getting married. And you're right, we don't need to make a song and dance about being engaged. I just hate the idea of 'so when's the big day?' again and again for years I had that with my last ex - along with 'when are you going to have another baby' (at least people eventually gave up on that after a decade or so hmm ).

I don't really have any assets - the house I lived in with my ex is entirely in his name. I would absolutely insist that if we were to marry, any of my future husband's assets were appropriately distributed to his children in his will, without leaving me entirely shafted. I've been bitten already by leaving myself vulnerable - never again. Whatever happens, I'll take proper legal advice.

broken, I'm not the ow and nor is my boyfriend the om. We live within an hour's drive - 40 mins with the wind behind me.

The practicalities are very much around our families - teens needing to be near college/school/mum/dad, and an elderly parent.

Joysmum Mon 26-Oct-15 12:05:30

My in laws did whilst they saved for r a house and then again when MIL needed to care for her dad. At that point they had DH and SIL and DH stayed with MIL and SIL went with FIL.

They remained married after moving back in together and were only parted when MIL died prematurely.

ImperialBlether Mon 26-Oct-15 12:08:25

I think you're letting your heart rule your head at the moment. You want to express how much you love him and you want the world to know.

HOWEVER...

You can't live together for four years - do you want him to have the legal right to property etc when he doesn't live in your house? If you're going to write Wills cutting each other out of property and if he's not going to have any step-parenting role, what is the point in getting married?

Why not buy each other a ring and have a commitment to each other without marrying?

It's great you're having such a lovely time but don't do anything which could lead to problems later.

notapizzaeater Mon 26-Oct-15 12:08:29

My friends do, been married just a year. He has to sleep at his location, they've bought a house and he stays there 1 night a week, she lives at "his" at the weekends. Works fine.

Loveleopardprint Mon 26-Oct-15 12:09:13

My DH works in London and I live in Devon. He is away from Monday to Friday. We have done this for 15 yrs. feel that my kids get the best of both worlds. Growing up in a quiet village near grandparents but spending holidays in London.

We lived together for four years before the kids. I think you have to have total trust in your partner. It is difficult and expensive running two households. We have a strong marriage though and he is a great dad as he spends all weekend just doing family stuff with us. So it is possible.

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