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How could he - no forgiveness

(227 Posts)
CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Mon 26-Oct-15 01:26:02

I had a terrible childhood, being on tenterhooks as to what mood my father was in and whether he would get angry with me and hit me black and blue, not to mention all the psychological and emotional abuse, and my mother constantly explaining it away and not protecting me in any way. Thing is he was/is a highly respected academic and I come from a very middle class family so nobody ever suspected, and EVERY SINGLE incident has always been explained away or trivialised, so I found myself blaming myself for making a mountain out of a molehill. My life has been dictated by my childhood experiences and I've been through a hell of a lot of counselling and antidepressants to get to where I am.

Anyway, I though my dad had mellowed in his old age and that my coping strategies had gotten me to a stage where we could spend reasonable amounts of time together without major issue. It did t even occur to me that he would turn on anyone other than me. Until tonight.

We (7 yo DD, DH and I) came up for a few days for 1/2 term, this evening DD was watching something on the iPad upstairs on my bed, I'd just left her to come down to see DH when dad went upstairs, saw DD on the iPad and told her to go downstairs for dinner. DD, I believe, did her usual "just 30 seconds to see this bit" (she's a pickle and often difficult to manage, there's no denying it - but no behaviour is excuse for his actions) and dad lost it ... I heard the shouting from downstairs and recognised the manevolant, out of control, tone coming from him. By the time I'd got out of my chair he'd pushed her 1/2 way down the stairs and had his hands around her throat (yes his HANDS around her THROAT). She was hysterical, I grabbed her and screamed at him to get his hands off my daughter, he eventually did when I dragged her off him and I took her away clinging to me, dad immediately went in to "dinners ready are you just going to let it go cold" mode whilst DH was trying to persuade him to just leave us be whilst I consoled DD and stopped myself from launching myself at him. When he realised I wasn't just going to submit and let him get away with it he stormed out of the house. Next thing we had the vicar from the local abbey knocking at the door as dad had walked in and said he was going to sleep on a bench all night (if so why did he feel the need to go in to the abbey and tell her that? Classic emotional blackmail ... I should be used to it), my mum said it's his house he can come home so I said we'd leave - which we did.

So here I am, lying in a hotel bed next to my (wonderful, supportive) DH with DD in the bed next to us (she's OK, although understandably thinks her grandfather "is a mean man").

I have considered going NC in the past but I've been so programmed to believe the party line of "ah it's just him, but what can you do, if it wasn't for you doing X he'd have never reacted like that" that I've always felt too guilty. But you lay a fucking finger on my child and that is it - he no longer exists as far as I'm concerned. He's lucky I didn't call the police.

There's no real reason for me posting here other than DD and DH are sound asleep and I am lying awake with everything going round and round my head. Just needed to vent really.

CastielsClevererBetterSister Mon 26-Oct-15 01:39:06

I couldn't read an run OP. That is awful poor you and poor DD. flowers

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Mon 26-Oct-15 01:43:59

Thank you Castiels - I just can't believe he'd treat his own granddaughter the same was at he treated me.

lordStrange Mon 26-Oct-15 01:44:14

I hope DD is ok too.

And you OP. What a shock for you, my mother could be a twat but has been able to be nice to my dc. I would respond like you if her old behaviours were triggered by my kids being (ordinary, annoying) kids.

You did exactly the right thing tonight in leaving.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 26-Oct-15 01:46:11

Thank God your DD has you to protect her. You go and protect that girl like no one ever protected you. Make sure she knows that his disgusting behaviour was 100% unacceptable, was 100% NOT her fault, and you will ALWAYS be there for her. Be the mother you never had.

Never make her be in the same room as him ever again. Never make her talk to him on the phone.

NC is too good for him. And your mother the enabler.

flowers

Inarightpickleandchutney Mon 26-Oct-15 01:48:12

Call the police and have him arrested.

WhyIRayLiotta Mon 26-Oct-15 01:48:14

NC. What happened is probably a smidgen of your childhood. Of the nastiness that contributed to your counselling/ depression. You don't need to play nice anymore and your DD certainly doesn't need to think that his actions are acceptable ever.

PitilessYank Mon 26-Oct-15 01:48:23

Reading this makes me want to punch him in the face on your behalf!

I am so sorry you and your DD and DH all experienced this and I am sorry he made your childhood rough.thanks

ToastedOrFresh Mon 26-Oct-15 01:50:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Mon 26-Oct-15 01:51:47

I am proud of myself for getting us out of there - my mother went to collect him from the abbey and although I asked her to give us half an hour to get our stuff together and leave they returned immediately and in unison said that we weren't allowed to leave because I had had a small (less than 125ml) glass of wine (DH had had a couple so couldn't drive) and dad said "think of your daughters safety" to which I laughed at as that is exactly what I WAS thinking of by leaving.

Out2pasture Mon 26-Oct-15 01:53:12

Hearts said it beautifully. Stay strong you did the right thing.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Mon 26-Oct-15 01:53:12

Sorry ToastedOrFresh? What makes you think I'm not?

dratsea Mon 26-Oct-15 01:53:21

Just flowers to you, dd and dh.

UmbongoUnchained Mon 26-Oct-15 01:55:18

I'm sorry but why haven't you called the police? He tried to strangle your daughter.

BitOfFun Mon 26-Oct-15 01:57:10

Fucking good for you, Cuppa, you must be in shock. flowers for you all. Try to get a good night's sleep, and think about your next move tomorrow. I'm so glad your daughter has you and your DH to protect her.

HexBramble Mon 26-Oct-15 01:59:57

OP you have done exactly the right thing. What was your mothers response?

BitOfFun Mon 26-Oct-15 02:00:46

Umbongo, there's time enough to do that tomorrow, if Cuppa thinks that's the way to go. Why keep the whole family up all night to add to the distress?

The priest will have to be some kind of corroborating witness if it comes to that, but it's up to Cuppa to decide whether to press charges. The most important thing for now is to de-escalate the drama and reassure and continue to protect her daughter's safety and peace of mind.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Mon 26-Oct-15 02:05:05

Well for a start Umbongo the one time I did (well my friend did) when I was a youngster I was guilted by the police into not pressing charges as it would "ruin my whole families lives" and made to feel like I was overdramatising. I may still do, but that is something I need to think about more. And you may judge me for that, you may say/think that clearly I'm not a good mother for not immediately calling 999 but my priority was consoling DD and getting us out of there.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Mon 26-Oct-15 02:12:11

HexBramble she said all the right things at the time (she only found out what had really happened after he'd left and I explained when I realised she didn't know the exyrnt of the vent), but as soon as the vicar made an appearance it was reverting back to type and very much, "well it's your decision to leave and it's his house". She will always be his apologist - I've used many a counselling hour on her as well. DD has been told a lot tonight that we would go to the ends of the earth to protect her.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 26-Oct-15 02:12:27

Congratulations on being a strong woman and doing the right thing.

Now snuggle down and try to sleep. Your DD is safe and she will recover from this incident because you and her father will be there to see that she does.

Remember that you need NEVER see your father again. No one can make you see him if you don't want to, ever.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Mon 26-Oct-15 02:12:46

"xyrnt of the vent" = extent of the event!

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Mon 26-Oct-15 02:14:25

Thankyou everyone - you've made me feel stronger. Going to try to get some sleep now.

BitOfFun Mon 26-Oct-15 02:15:57

Night night Cuppa flowers

Friendlystories Mon 26-Oct-15 02:16:52

I don't think you're a bad mother for not calling the police straight away Cuppa, I think you're awesome for standing up to the vile bully when it must have been triggering all sorts for you from your own childhood. As BitofFun says there's plenty of time for that tomorrow if that's what you decide to do, DD's safety and wellbeing was number one priority for tonight. Hope you're ok, we're here if you need to chat rather than stewing on it all flowers

Canyouforgiveher Mon 26-Oct-15 02:43:20

How horrible and shocking for you and your family and how wonderful that you and your dh immediately protected your dd. The whole thing must have been so triggering for you, and yet you still reacted furiously to protect your child.

I presume you will be NC with your father from now on. If I were you I would call your mother tomorrow and say nothing more to her than "and THAT is how a mother should behave when her daughter is physically attacked"

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