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will ds ever be ok with new partner?

(25 Posts)
Ghirly Sun 25-Oct-15 23:12:17

I split up with son's father 9 years ago, ds is 10.5
I have been seeing a new man for a few weeks, someone ds has known for about a year. This is the first time I have introduced a partner to my son since splitting from his dad.
At first ds was fine about it but recently he has changed his mind. He is very close to me and now seems to be resenting this man.
I have totally clicked with this man and things are going great... apart from ds's attitude.
I have had a few chats with ds reassuring him that he is still my priority, new guy has also had a chat to reassure ds that he isnt here to steal his mum from him.
I just wondered if anyone has any experience with this and, if so, will ds get used to this man in our lives?
How shall I deal with it now?
I just want a happy life after 9 years of separating my home and love life.
For info, ds's dad has had new partner for over 6 years, new child, and ds is fine with this.
Any advice appreciated

Fairylea Sun 25-Oct-15 23:19:44

I think a few weeks in of dating someone is too soon to be having those sorts of chats with your son to be honest. He may have known the guy for a year beforehand but that's very different to actually dating you. I think you have to keep them quite separate for now and just date and see how it goes, if it leads into something more serious as time goes on then very gradually you'd increase the amount of time you all spend together and try and do very light hearted fun stuff to build a relationship slowly between you all.

(I say that as a divorcee who had a 7 year old dd when I met my now dh, we are now all happy together and she is now nearly 13 and we also have a toddler son).

lunar1 Sun 25-Oct-15 23:29:40

He has no place having chats like that after a few weeks, I'm not surprised you son is upset with things.

Morganly Mon 26-Oct-15 00:07:23

Leave it for now with your son. A few weeks is nothing. It might not last, so no point making a big issue out of it at this stage.

You are allowed to date! You are allowed a happy life! If this does turn out to be a long term thing, then yes, he will get used to him (unless there is something about him that is causing the problem?) but you do need to take it slow and keep it very low key while everyone adjusts.

Fluffybrain Mon 26-Oct-15 08:16:36

Watching this thread as I have been in similar position but with much younger child. DS2 is 3. Been separated from his father for 2 years. 2 relationships since. Won't accept either man. Loves mummy. Still tells me he hates the last guy 6 months on from split. I have resolved to be single since men only break my heart and my DS2 won't share me anyway.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 26-Oct-15 08:28:00

Woah, "a few weeks" is too soon for a friend to be introduced as your new boyfriend. Does this mean you are all spending time together? My children knew I had been on dates with someone, but only met 2 of them and with very specific reasons/parameters. We didn't do stuff together.

Big mistake letting your boyfriend talk to him. Really, really big mistake. He has absolutely no place speaking to him like this. I feel quite cross on your son's behalf tbh.

Of course you're allowed to date, and it might well become serious, but at the moment, this is something that your son needs no part of.

Fluffy the way you handle it is crucial.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 26-Oct-15 08:31:37

And yes, op, this man is your bf, he iis not your partner and, at the moment, he is nothing to your son and shouldn't be either.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Mon 26-Oct-15 08:44:51

I disagree with the posters saying it's too soon etc. you've known him for a year, it's not like you've only just met and what's the point in putting in time getting close to him, only to have your DS pull the plug at some point?

Of course out dcs views are important but Fluffy, really? You're going to allow your 3 year old to dictate how you live for the next 15-20 years?! How about modelling a healthy relationship for him to be inspired by rather than letting him think that he rules the roost?

My dcs met my DP within a couple of months and he brings so much to their lives, they love him and they have a happy mum as a result of him being around. Obviously if they hated him for any good reason I would spend time with him separately from them, but if it's just a case of not wanting to share you, tough!

My ds2 is 11 dd is 8 and they are both very cuddly. When they see DP cuddling me they launch themselves in between us and shout 'MY mummy!' for a laugh and DP will tickle them and play fight saying 'no she's my mummy!' They play out their feelings but ultimately they all know they are loved and have their own special place in my heart.

I think it's important for the dcs to be able to express a bit of jealousy but to know that it's not acceptable for jealousy to spoil your chance at a happy relationship.

GutInstinct Mon 26-Oct-15 08:57:22

Your bf has no place having those kinds of conversations with your ds. My xh's dp sat my dc down on the first day they met and told them that she didn't want to be their mummy. Dc were similar age to yours. Three years on my dc dislike the woman intensely, refuse to spend time in the house alone with her and refuse to accept her as part of their lives even though she and ex now have dc of their own together.

How you deal with introductions and ongoing relationships is crucial. But it's also important to realise that while you want to be with this man, your dc don't have to like him. If they do then that is great, if not then you need to reconcile whether you will stay with him regardless. Some people choose to, others don't, and in some instances the incoming partner chooses not to stay in a relationship where they are not accepted by the dc.

StanSmithsChin Mon 26-Oct-15 08:59:19

I introduced DP after three months of dating. I did it slowly so once or twice a week he would join us for a meal, cinema trip, walk. He wouldn't stay over and his visits were only for a few hours. My DC are 13, 11, 8 & 8 and they took to him well they enjoyed him being around but didn't find it overwhelming. Eight months on DP stays over twice a week and the DC are comfortable and happy to have him around, sometimes they ask him to stay over an extra night.

My ex who is usually thoughtful and always prioritises DC made the mistake of introducing GF after 2 weeks with her staying over after the third week. This totally unsettled DC (we are 50-50) they became upset, the older 2 resented her and they felt that dad had put her before them. Ex realised his mistake after I ripped him to shreds and slowed right down. It has been a few months and he is slowly reintroducing GF to DC who appear to be happier with the slower pace.

My advice is don't rush it.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 26-Oct-15 09:05:53

Mark you clearly managed the introductions appropriately. How these things are managed is more important than the person IME.

Seeyounearertime Mon 26-Oct-15 09:47:48

Hate to say this but there are no rules for this. Everyone saying, "its too soon" nope, wrong, anyone saying, "now's the time", nope, wrong.

IMO and from my experience, every child is different, every single one will react differently to another. The best thing you can do OP is go with your instincts, give it time, but ultimately DCs have to realise you will move on eventually and that their dad isn't going to come back etc. It's a tough realisation for any child that their Mum is actually a person too. Lol. smile

PreciousxBane Mon 26-Oct-15 09:52:56

He has had you all to himself for his whole life so I can see why its hard.
They may or may not click, how much time is new man at yours?

Spotifymuse Mon 26-Oct-15 09:57:54

How much time is your son having to spend with your boyfriend? Does he stay over at yours?

greensun Mon 26-Oct-15 10:25:17

Your DS is feeling insecure and needs reassurance that he's your priority. Just take things slowly and don't push anything on him before he's ready.

I got together with my DH when my DS was 9, but we didn't move in together until DS was 15 and DH and I were getting married. I introduced them when I'd been going out with DH for a year, and he was the only man I'd ever introduced to DS. Before we moved in, we spent time together as a family unit and I also went out on dates with DH without DS, but he didn't stay over at mine. I think that pace worked well for us, and we've never had any issues with DS not wanting DH being part of his life or worrying that I'm being taken away from him. Different things work for different families of course, so you just need to work with your DS on this one and listen to his concerns.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Mon 26-Oct-15 10:38:40

For me, I think that the crucial part of managing any fear is not to give it too much credibility. DCs take their cue from us on how to behave and if we treat the introduction as a big deal or take their worries about things TOO seriously then it means that they are right to worry.

Like Stan, for us it started off with a cinema trip (supposed to be a date but the babysitter let me down, so he suggested we all watch a film together) so he was there, but not too full on. He didn't stay over when they were there to start with (and then he would sneak out before morning so they didn't know he'd been there for a while).

It probably helped that he also has DCs and they got on really well, so that was an extra incentive for my DCs to want him here.

FWIW my ex introduced his GF when they moved in together and the DCs first met her when they stayed at their shared house. They really like her too and while they don't see her as often as they do my DP as she works away a lot, they are very accepting of her and happy that their dad has someone to keep him company when they are not there.

Seeyounearertime Mon 26-Oct-15 10:45:22

It sounds like your kids are far more easy going than others Mark? Do they take most things in their stride as it were?

Shutthatdoor Mon 26-Oct-15 10:48:15

He has no place having chats like that after a few weeks, I'm not surprised you son is upset with things.

^ this

PoundingTheStreets Mon 26-Oct-15 10:57:17

I left my DC's father when DC were babies, and met current partner when they were 6. Had not dated anyone in that time, so DC knew nothing other than life with me as a single parent.

My DC and I were very much a team of 3. Introducing someone else into that was a huge change to the dynamic. I took things very slowly. Initially, DP didn't meet DC although I told them about it. Eventually, when curiosity was sufficiently piqued, I introduced them. It started off with him just coming in for coffee before a date, for example. He did not stay over for many months, until after I'd talked with the DC about it and they felt happy with that. DC weren't sleeping in my bed at that stage, but they still occasionally woke up in the night needing me, or would come in for a cuddle when they woke in the morning. It was absolutely vital that DP staying over did not make them feel they could no longer do that. We had a chat about respecting privacy (i.e. if the door is shut, knock and wait for an answer or count to 10 before coming in) but that a shut door did not mean mummy was off limits if they needed me because they were unwell or had had a nightmare.

When DP started staying over more regularly, I didn't let him get too involved with DC or ages. Bedtime routine, for example, was my territory - a chance for my DC to have my undivided attention and tell me if anything was up in their lives. I wouldn't have let DP interfere with that or do it for me. There were many other ways he could bond with the DC that felt like an additional extra rather than a taking away of me.

I would not have let my DC dictate my life and personal relationships. It doesn't do kids any god to have that degree of power over their parents and actually makes them terribly insecure, but at the same time, the key to successfully introducing someone new is to take it slowly and be led by your child's reaction.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 26-Oct-15 11:00:57

And that ^^ is how it's done!

Opentooffers Mon 26-Oct-15 11:52:38

Nearly 9 years since I split with my son's dad. When you look back, that is a long time that your son has had you to himself. Along the way, they become a good friend and fun companion as well as your child - that's understandable. How deep the bond is, depends on the dynamic that has formed. In my case it has probably helped that he has had to be quite independent of me at times due to working full time. I've always insisted that he sleeps in his own bed - there have only been a couple of exceptions in all those years.
It depends on what your child has become used to, as to how they will deal with the change. It is a big change, so all you can do is give time for him to adapt and expect some resistance along the way, but meet that with understanding, frustrating though it may be at times.
Because it is such a major change that is going to have a large effect on his life, the best you can do, is be as sure as you can be that the relationship is going to be worthy of that change and is going to last. There are never guarantees, but it is good that you have known your new BF for a year beforehand, which will help you to make a reasoned choice.
A bit soon to be thinking life partner, however, after dating a matter of weeks. The dynamic of your and your BF's relationship has only had a short time to develop, take more time with that. Don't expect your BF and son to suddenly join you in happy family days together yet. This has to be slowly worked on, it will be hard for your BF to find his way to that also.
In all, my advice would be to, at this new relationship stage, go out on dates, perhaps have your BF over at times your son is seeing his dad. Be your usual self with your son day to day generally, then maybe, introduce an occasional family day together. Don't push it all together too soon or a backlash is what you will receive, making both your son and your BF resentful while you get stuck in the middle. Time to adapt is the answer here for everyone, not just your son.

Threefishys Mon 26-Oct-15 12:23:58

Weeks? No sorry but that's just asking for trouble. You're not in a relationship "weeks" in so how can you bring kids into your dating life? Thats the adult part of your life until it develops into encompassing family life (if it gets that far) I would be very wary if a bloke introduced me to his child after a few weeks tbh I was wonder what his rush was

Seeyounearertime Mon 26-Oct-15 12:28:40

three even if you and the kids had known the guy for over a year? It's not like a stranger, I'd imagine that would alter things?

lunar1 Mon 26-Oct-15 15:44:01

It's not about length of time though is it. They have been involved as a couple for a few weeks. Already in a few weeks the op has reassured her ds and the boyfriend has had a word.

If things were being taken at a reasonable pace for the child then people wouldn't need to keep talking about it. How much time is your boyfriend around your son for?

Fluffybrain Mon 26-Oct-15 16:00:37

MarkRuffallo I didn't say I would stay single for 15-20 years! Just for the moment. It's not as if I am turning men away. I would like to model a healthy relationship for my DC but unfortunately I cannot attract a man who will do this with me. I am not letting my DS rule the roost. But it certainly put the last guy off when my DS sat with his hands over his eyes crying for an hour and then another hour with his hands on his mouth. It's distressing for everyone involved. I am a bit confused as to how single mums keep their dating and relationships entirely separate from their kids for a long time. I have my DC most of the time. Conducting a relationship only when I do not have them would be very minimal and frustrating. I can see why it's sensible for a while but it's not very practical. At the moment it seems simpler to stay alone, although I'm unhappy with this. I'm interested in the advice being posted about introductions etc for the future if I should ever meet someone.

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