I've NC'd for this and have never posted about my OH before but just don't know what to do for the best. My OH was kind when we met 25 years ago but looking back there were a few warning signs early on. We met at
uni and he did used to make the odd undermining comment about my abilities when I struggled with writing up my PhD but back then then I was confident and pretty opinionated on occasions.
The first violence was when I was around 5 months pregnant with DC1 a few years later. We argued at the bottom of the stairs, I grabbed his glasses from his face (no idea why) and he pushed me really hard and sent me flying backwards. He was really sorry and vowed it wouldn't happen again. At first we were "equal" in our jobs but when Dc2 came along we moved countries for a couple of years and I didn't have a work permit but enjoyed being at home with the DC.
Life was mainly good though I could be stubborn about my point of view sometimes and so he would occasionally (every 12-18 months) be violent. This was usually pushing me over and kicking me, grabbing me by the throat or pushing me down stairs.i had bruises but nothing more and told no one.
To everyone else we seemed like the perfect family and I convinced myself that the bad times were few and far between. We decided to try for DC3 (yes, stupid I know) but soon after I found a breast lump which had to be investigated then removed so we put that on hold for 3 months (all was fine). We then agreed to stop contraception and I fell pregnant straight away. He bought me flowers the day I told him but then became sulky over the next week and said he didn't want to delay having more independence by another 2 years (DC2 was 2 at the time). He wore me down over the next few weeks trying to get me to agrre to an abortion, I refused and cried a lot which annoyed him. He finally told me he had made an appointment for me to have a termination (the country we were in at the time allowed this to happen and would do the consent and abortion at the same time). He drove me to the clinic and I broke down in tears in the car park and refused to go in. His response was to get a vasectomy 2 weeks later and be uninterested in the rest of my pregnancy. He is now sorry and regrets his actions as far as Dc3 is concerned but has never seen how terribly he behaved towards me.
We returned to the UK near my parents and I worked part-time. OH got another job so we moved to the other end of the country a few years ago. He works away for a few days every week and i worked part-time until a couple of years ago when I was finding juggling everything (we live far from a town, or any family) too much. I would love to work again but don't think I'll get a good reference from my last company at the last few months I know I missed deadlines etc. as I was finding it hard. I've completely lost my confidence and know I need to get braver.
He still blocks my exit from rooms, pushes occasionally but hasn't been really violent to me for about 5 years. He interrupts everyone constantly, says our opinions are ridiculous and shuts down conversations when he feels like it. He can also be funny but is very unpredictable and often has underlying anger, glaring, slamming doors if anyone upsets him, which is several times over the weekend usually.
Sorry this is so long. I've come to the part which is very hard to write as I know I've failed my DC through my weakness. Once my eldest was 10 he upset OH about something and came running down to me. OH had hit him so hard his lip was bleeding. Since then he has hit Dc1 every 12-18 months, never with me around, usually upstairs. DC has now left for college and 2 weeks ago he started on DD1 instead. She had told him to go away when he went into her room to complain about something. He said it was self-defence but DC3 and I had to stop him going back in for more. He was white with rage and screamed and swore at us that it was nothing to do with us but then went outside. It seems he's transferred his violence from me to the DC.
Finally, too latei know, I told him to leave the house (he was due to travel with work a couple of days later anyway). He reluctantly went, saying we couldn't afford a hotel, that he needed me to collect some furniture we'd bought etc.
This was 2 weeks ago and since then I have told him to enrol in a domestic violence prgramme (but there's a 4 month waiting list) he's read the booklet on the respect website and has been saying how sorry he is etc. He says he's been crying himself to sleep etc but has been pushing and pushing to come back.
The Dc who suffered at his hands 2 weeks ago has swapped texts with him and wants to let him come back as he is trying to change.
We saw the GP together (I gave him an ultimatum) who was hopeless , only suggesting counselling and it was the Respect helpline who gave us details of a programme. Social services were informed but decided that they trust me to safeguard the DC , particularly as they are older.
I want to know whether someone like this can change?
He says he can see how bad his behaviour has been and wants to have an equal relationship with us all. He says "of course they would be safe with me back" but how can I trust him?
If he could be a decent kind man I would try again as the children have only 1 father and I would be worried how he would be with them if we split permanently. He's currently way for a third weel but I know he'll be pushing to come back next weekend.
Does anyone have any positive stories where men have turned things around successfully?
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Relationships
Is there hope- can an abusive husband change?
ShouldIstayorgonow · 25/10/2015 09:30
This is my experience with letting a violent partner back.
I met a caring, attentive, good looking and wonderful man as a teenager, we married when I was 18. By 20, I was a meek and anxious wreck, gradually worn down and beginning to change my views and behaviors so I didn't provoke him. After a particularly horrible incident, the blinkers were off, I called my dad and brother, and they helped me to make him leave.
After almost 8 months of wearing me down with telling me how disgusted he was with his behaviour, addressing it with a DV Counsellor, changing his job to a less demanding role, I truly believed he was the man I had married again, and I let him come home.
Things were fantastic- he couldn't do enough to make it up to me. Until I went for a night out with friends. He'd tried to call me and I hadn't answered. When I got home, he punched me so hard that he broke his own wrist on my jaw. I called the police while he was at hospital getting himself checked out for his injury and I never let him come near me again. I was a naive fool for believing he was ever a good man.
This was a lifetime ago, I'm now married with 3DCS, to a man who is lovely because that's who he is, not who he is trying to be.
I don't know if anyone will be able to give you a positive story of a 'changed man'. But I urge you, if someone here does have a positive experience, don't just focus on that one good outcome and gloss over the many negative ones, as justification for trying again.
Decent people don't have to change their personality and mindset to be safe around their family.
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