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sister in law never includes me in family emails. Any insights?

(39 Posts)
Dref Sun 25-Oct-15 07:40:09

I'd really appreciate insights on this. My SIL includes everyone in the immediate inlaw family on my husbands side except me. Her family live some distance from us and her parents so when they plan a visit everyone knows what the upcoming ideas are and dates except me. I am mainly a SAHM and have a toddler. It does matter to me to know and plan so I can be at family events with my son and husband. She also doesn't include me in the emails about presents ideas. I find this irritating as my husband and I buy presents jointly from us to them. We have less money and it works out we get better presents that way. Her family custom is usually (not always) to send individual presents, certainly cards from her and her husband are kept separate.

My mother keeps telling me to just ask my husband to ask her to include me, or resend the group email with me included. One item was cuddling our son as much as possible. He said he would but yesterday didn't. He read it out to me instead. That is him being forgetful.

I must also give this example. After my huabnd and I got married she arranged cupcakes and her side of the family to see him for a birthday treat at an exhibition he was holding but didn't tell me or invite me along. This was only a month after we got married. Other than that it's all pleasantries at family events mainly.

Any thoughts would be welcome.

HapShawl Sun 25-Oct-15 07:51:41

Is your husband passing on the information you need? I would see this as a blessing tbh as I think my dp should be responsible for organising things with his side of the family, but I appreciate that relies on him actually doing that and discussing with you as necessary. My family only copy in immediate members and then partners are copied in as necessary. Does she include other inlaws (eg the wife of another of her brothers iyswim)

QuiteLikely5 Sun 25-Oct-15 07:57:29

So she is including your Dh? If yes then can't he just forward the email to you

Dref Sun 25-Oct-15 07:58:03

They have no other siblings but she does copy in her own husband, technically an inlaw.

She wasn't very welcoming to me when I first arrived on the scene. Her husband told me she was wary of me.

Sparkletastic Sun 25-Oct-15 07:59:33

I don't understand some of your post - what's the cuddling thing about? Could this be a language barrier between you and SIL?

SanityClause Sun 25-Oct-15 07:59:47

Just email her, and ask her to also include you in family group emails.

Just explain DH doesn't always pass on the information, and so it would be helpful to have it first hand.

This may not be successful, as it does sound from previous events that it might be deliberate, but at least if you get an out and out refusal, even one by way of ignoring your request, you will know it is deliberate.

Also, it's possible that it's deliberate, but that a direct request will back her into a corner of feeling she has to include you.

Also, separate Christmas cards from each half of a married couple? Weird!

fastdaytears Sun 25-Oct-15 08:03:47

Your mum hasn't really hot anything to do with this and sounds a bit stirry to me.

I think it's totally fine for boring emails about visit dates, present ideas blah blah to go to her sibling and he shares them with you if he needs to. If he doesn't then even better as he can go out and buy the present, organise the diary etc. In fact as an aside, if I was the one getting the email I'd probably get all moody that I was the one supposed to care what her kid wanted for Christmas and what time the family lunch is just because I have tits...

One item was cuddling our son as much as possible. this I don't get though. She is emailing about your son needing more cuddling? That is somewhat mental.

DoreenLethal Sun 25-Oct-15 08:14:48

Why do you need to know - seriously? Let them get on with it and if there are any comments about you not getting the right present/date/venue just say you don't know what they are talking about, you aren't included in the 'family' emails so your husband sorts that stuff out - not your concern.

I don't understand about the cuddling. What the chuff has it got to do with her?

Walkacrossthesand Sun 25-Oct-15 08:17:44

So, at the moment, your DH gets the email and shares the contents with you?

I'm not seeing the problem here - you can plan as you need to as you have the information.

Would it be a good idea to examine your reasons for wanting to be on the mailing list - from her POV the info comes into your household. You are not being singled out as there are no other 'inlaws' (SILs husband doesn't really count as he's not her inlaw!!) , she relies on your DH to share the info, which he does...Are there other ways in which you feel excluded? Or is it perhaps that you like to be 'in charge' of your household and you dislike being dependent on DH to get this information?

Joysmum Sun 25-Oct-15 08:26:09

The problem is it, along with the rest of her behaviour, is seen as a snub by the OP, I'm struggling to see how others can't see that. confused

As always, this is a DH issue to sort out. He needs to group reply telling her she needs to include the OP and she works out the logistics of the family. It needs to come from him not her, and he needs to pick her up on it every time she's omitted.

ajandjjmum Sun 25-Oct-15 08:46:33

Just send her an email saying 'I thought you might not have my email address, but now you've got it, could you copy me in on any emails involving family arrangements, to make sure I don't miss anything?' Or get your DH to do similar, giving your email address.

magoria Sun 25-Oct-15 08:52:42

Did she tell your H about the birthday treat?

I think you have a H problem not a SIL problem in that he knows meet ups and arrangements are being made with out your knowledge or excluding you and is happy to allow that to happen. Despite your hurt.

If he wasn't he would be telling his sister to include you or refusing to participate.

whatlifestylechoice Sun 25-Oct-15 08:52:51

Christ. This is how we do things in our family - 'family stuff' mails go out to siblings only with the expectation that the sibling will pass any relevant info to their spouse/partner.
Your problem is with your DH for not passing on the info.

DoreenLethal Sun 25-Oct-15 08:55:46

We don't have family emails. We pick up the phone or text each other for quick info ie setting dates/times/presents etc.

Ememem84 Sun 25-Oct-15 09:02:27

I think yabu (I know it's in relationships). The information is coming in. Dh passes it on.

I don't think sil is deliberately doing anything to snub you.

The cupcake/exhibition thing - why didn't you go? Surely you knew dh was holding an exhibition? Or is this his work? Did he not tell you it was happening?

If dh isn't passing info on then that's not sils fault.

In our house dh regularly forgets to tell me in advance that were meant to go somewhere. I end up having plans so he has had to go to family things in his own.

Cabrinha Sun 25-Oct-15 09:18:47

Am I missing something?
Have you not just taken the last email, replied to her on your email address saying "SIL, the group mails are great, thanks - can you put me (this email) on too please, as well as husband?"

Does she even know your email address? Maybe, she just didn't ask, and knows it's going to him anyway.

Even if she is deliberately excluding, you can take the same approach of telling her to include you.

I don't understand about the cupcakes, the cuddles, or why you haven't just told her to include you.

Ragwort Sun 25-Oct-15 09:22:18

Yet again this is a communication issue between you and your DH - why on earth can't he just forward the email to you, or print it out and give it to you confused - if you/he have a problem with this then it's nothing to do with your SIL.

HeadDreamer Sun 25-Oct-15 09:24:49

Another who don't see anything wrong. Your husband is included in the group mail. You are welcome to the events. It should be your husband to sort out his family. I'm happy not to have to deal with presents etc. If DH doesn't buy the ILs presents then they don't get any from us. It's his fault.

HeadDreamer Sun 25-Oct-15 09:25:49

And if your husband wants you to deal with it, then he should forward them to you.

HeadDreamer Sun 25-Oct-15 09:27:26

that were meant to go somewhere. I end up having plans so he has had to go to family things in his own

This basically. If DH doesn't enter it into our family calendar, I'm free t make my own plans.

NerrSnerr Sun 25-Oct-15 09:34:30

Why doesn't your husband just tell you what's on the email or forward it to you? It's a none issue. I don't really understand the cuddle bit, could you explain that a bit more?

Only1scoop Sun 25-Oct-15 09:35:42

Don't get the 'cuddling our son' bit is it a typo?

Don't really see the issue if dh receives them. I'd leave all the gifts and faff to him to be honest. Important stuff on calendar etc.

Dref Sun 25-Oct-15 09:41:55

thanks for posts, I'm still reading them all.

re birthday at DH exhibition. he didnt know. it was a surprise birthday thibg for him with all family except me arranged by SIL.

stillamummy Sun 25-Oct-15 09:52:10

OP just to make you feel better my sil refuses to discuss (text, email etc) family plans with me on the premise I am not family. But my DH refuses to give her his mobile number. So us arriving / being part of family events is hit and miss. I just see her behaviour as trying to keep control of a brother she has no control over (if you see what I mean)!

Dref Sun 25-Oct-15 09:56:22

looking after toddler so brief responses...

cuddling- need to hear email again
MIL emailed apology i was left out after birthday surprise after event, not SIL.
mum was trying to be helpful not stir. not sure how it came across that way but any input can be seen that way its true.
havent emailed her as currently taking view dh to sort.
she does have my email. her dh includes me in their family comms.

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