Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Slow burn vs Red Hot Passion from day one?(8 Posts)
I started off life with a very long relationship with someone who was naturally very romantic, but we were young so it was all mixed tapes and long love letters and all quite intense.
I then went looking for that same intensity, so went with someone (and almost married) who was also very intense. He had told me he loved me after two weeks, proposed after six weeks and wanted to spend every waking minute with me.
I was together for years (and very happy) with both men which accounts for my 20s and 30s so as I reach the end of my 30s and find myself single again I think I have an absolutely wrong idea of what to expect from a man in those first stages of a relationship.
I sort of expect someone to be almost desperate for me, and read into perhaps not hearing from a man for a day as disinterest or a sign there is no passion between us. I'm aware it's a problem but I am not really sure what it should be like.
The last few I went out with were a nightmare. I was seeking that intensity so ended up with people telling me they loved me very quickly, constantly texting and calling and naming babies after five minutes and all turned out to be unstable in some way or just desperate to be married or players of some sort.
So I know now I am looking for the wrong thing, but have become a bit conditioned to think that in the early stages i should expect wild romance like out of a film, as it's all I've ever known. And I have mentally equated attention / obsession with my value of the man which I know is wrong.
So can anyone tell me in rough terms what a man should be acting like in the first 3 - 4 weeks, and maybe the first 3 - 4 months of a relationship? What's a normal amount of calls or a normal amount of time to spend together? What are the REAL signs a man likes you, rather than the ones I have been looking for? I feel like I am walking away from genuine men in favour of seeking a fairytale.
I would really love to have a slow burn relationship as I feel it would be so much more real, but I am not sure where the line is between taking it slow and him not being that bothered! I am also not sure what is normal in the first month and how that is supposed to escalalate as i have never done it that way.
Can anyone share their stories maybe of how their successful relationship started and evolved into somthing wonderful?l?
Tbh, everyone will have a different answer, but when I uses to go out witn guys I limited myself initially to only cintacting them once mid-week. So maybe we'd have a date at the weekend, and I'd say at the end "lets see if we can do something next weekend, I'll talk to you during the week"
After about 4 weeks I might text them every other day, just hows it going, with maybe a funny story about something that happened "Got so soaked on my way to work even my socks were wet!!!"
But I never did daily texts/calls till months in when it was more serious. And even then if was mainly texts as I just didn't have news everyday.
I once had a boyfriend who seemed to think it was Good Boyfriend 101 to ring me every evening. I hated it. I had no news. I struggled to find things to tell him. Usually ended up telling him what i had for lunch. It was a massive turn off.
I don't think there's any set way a man "should" be acting in the first few weeks/month of a relationship or a "normal" amount of calls/texts. Everyone is different and everyone wants different degrees of intimacy at different times. Part of the difficulty of a new relationship is negotiating these speed bumps.
Some people will come on very strong and vanish off the face of the earth after a few weeks so intensity of early pursuit is not an indicator of long-term intent. Also it depends on the signals they are picking up from you -- some people really like a guy to come on hot and heavy and others find it overwhelming. So he will pick up cues.
I think at the very least a man in the early stages of a relationship should be a) kind b) respectful and honourable in sticking to commitments he's made c) interested in you and d) reasonably constant in his communication. If he's not fulfilling these then you might want to think about his intentions.
But it will depend on how communicative they are. Some people will want to spam you with texts on an hourly basis, some you won't hear from for a couple of days.
Feeling that the person is trustworthy and interested in you is probably a better guide than the frequency of their text and phone communication. And as the relationship progresses, if it progresses, if you want more reassurance on these things you can raise it.
I think I probably phrased the question badly, but what I mean is that the wo men I've been with both pretty much showed up and from first date they wre in love and never left my side and completely was "love" from that first minute (or obsession but in any case it worked out as a long thing) so I am feelin sort of if I have a date or meeting with someone I like and they don't want to move in within 24 hours that they don't like e very much - which I know is total rubbish! Its just a bit ingrained in me so wanted to get a bit of perspective that just because someone isnt like that, it doesn't mean it's doomed as i know many relationships start out very slow and blossom with stronger foundations.
There's no set way. You work something out that suits you both. I've been dating DP for 10 months and we've only had two days where we haven't spoken.
I think it's an age thing. When we are all younger, less experienced and less jaded we go in feet first...as we get older everyone has their guard up to lesser or greater degree. I think the idea of men being very full on to start is still very prevalent and its lovely and make us feel like teenagers again....what some women seem to forget though is that were not teenagers any more so by all means enjoy the attention but pace it in your own headspace....and let it develop and unfold at a fully grown adult pace. So I would say new relationships should be invigorating and fun and make you feel fluttery and excited but always with the feet on the ground to give the relationship chance to become something real. Also , treat your man like your friend ie give them the same amount of slack and treat them like an individual who sometimes slips up, sometimes forgets to text back, sometimes has to change plans...doesnt mean they don't care.
You decide OP. Perhaps make some rules regarding frequency of dates, texting, sex. Stick to them. They become the measure of whether a man respects your boundaries, irrespective of how much
lust initial interest he exhibits.
There are way too many blokes who will take advantage of your experience that intensity equals genuine interest. So you need to pace things so that you have time to think about what is happening and whether it is what you want.
I think as we grow older we forget that as teens and in our younger years EVERYTHING feels more intense, so when we love, it is obsessive, when we date, it is all consuming. As we get older, naturally we find it harder to feel those feelings because we learn that there are pitfalls and down sides to that.
Personally I like the idea of slow burn more than head over heels. That said, my last partner was all about the mythical "connection". We were almost obsessive about each other. Constantly texting, talking on the phone, messaging for hours at a time etc... It ended like it progressed. Quickly and with passion. Maybe the intensity hid differences in our personalities that we would never have reconciled but everything was so speedy we didn't really have time to work that out before it came to an end.
I've also had slow burn relationships which are ultimately more satisfying and deeper for me. Those have tended to see regular but not excessive contact. I am a believer in quick messages to let my partner know I'm thinking of them.
I think there is no set rule for this... As adults we can choose what we want. You can set a pace which suits you. If he matches your pace then you have an indication that he is interested. If he wants more then you will know, but if less, then you will have an indication he might not be compatible with what you want. Even slow burn relationships should have a mutually acceptable level of contact, otherwise one or both parties will feel short changed...
Hope that makes sense. Getting hassled by the monsters so train of thought keeps getting broken !
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.