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DP inappropriate or is it me?

(211 Posts)
Exhausted15 Sat 24-Oct-15 17:47:52

Communication issues for a while - toddlers have made life a bit chaotic and DP 'can't cope'. Fine, we've discussed this and he's unhappy and tired and stressed at work. Won't do anything about it though so we muddle on.

Last night we had a bit of a falling out and he stormed off to bed. We had a brief discussion about it this morning and agreed to move on.

Now to this afternoon, out with his friends and we start talking to a women who was part of the group who we'd never met, all fine, conversation turned to the Internet and dodgy sites and he starts talking about an inappropriate one with men masturbating. I was a bit hmm anyway the woman and him seemed quite ok with it and they at this point decided to include me in the conversation at this point to ask if I'd heard of it (the site they were on about). No I hadn't so after we left I said to him that made me feel very awkward as I really don't want to be next to you while you're going on about that sort of thing to a woman we don't know.

He exploded at this point and told me I'm not his mother and I make him feel uncomfortable and he wants to spend the afternoon alone.

He's now gone off to do something and I'm at home crying because I feel like I'm a prude and being over the top for thinking it's weird him to be going on about men masturbating in whatever context to some random woman and in front of me.

Is it me?

AnyFucker Sat 24-Oct-15 17:50:45

That would raise my hackles too.

Olddear Sat 24-Oct-15 17:52:03

No. It's him.

DoreenLethal Sat 24-Oct-15 17:57:42

He is definitely - shall we say - a complete wanker.

Exhausted15 Sat 24-Oct-15 17:58:52

Following on from that he hugged one of the other women goodbye telling her how amazing she looks. Fine again but he never ever said anything like that to me when I was expecting . Ever. It made me really sad and upset to be honest.

It's been a really shit day and we are in the rocks already I think.

Mousqueton Sat 24-Oct-15 18:19:52

I think he's feeling sorry for himself or possibly is resentful of the changes to his life. He appears to be provoking arguments by his behaviour, which is a classic attention grab.

You could try to ride it out - the risk is that the provocation gets more intense. Talking it out is probably a better option.

Exhausted15 Sat 24-Oct-15 18:27:07

That's interesting that you say it's attention grabbing.

He's very resentful of me as he's told me he is although he has the career he wants and gets to travel and all that which he enjoys but is constantly complaining that life is so hard with small children and that we have it so much harder than others. In some ways I agree with this but life with toddlers is challenging. He blames me for all his unhappiness and stress which I feel isn't fair.

He's always been a bit of a flirt but lately has become very argumentative with me so the two aren't really related and I've never been a jealous person but he's made me very insecure over the years which has massively knocked my self esteem.

The whole relationship has deteriorated with him being angry me trying to talk and then him exploding.

Before anyone screams affair, I highly doubt it as there haven't been any huge flags like phone hiding or any of that I just think he has to be in control of everything and can't cope with anything 'emotional' as it makes him feel bad to have been called out in 'inappropriate' conversation. We are not that young either so I was a bit weirded out by all of it.

He does like attention, yes. This was endearing at one point...

timelytess Sat 24-Oct-15 18:31:21

What is he showing you by his behaviour? Of his beliefs about you, about him, and about his relationships with other women?

ImperialBlether Sat 24-Oct-15 18:32:36

So he gets to travel, leaving you alone with toddlers, but then complains that his life's really hard?

I couldn't stand being blamed for someone else's unhappiness, if there was no basis for that in reality. He's miserable (though he's got a great job, travels a lot and has young children) and wants to blame you? I'd be furious at that.

He was really inappropriate there, talking about masturbation with a woman he didn't know. Can't he see that?

Exhausted15 Sat 24-Oct-15 18:37:11

No he can't see that he just thinks because he was saying the site was dodgy and labouring the point it's ok.
He went crazy after thy. In the street. With the buggy...yes our children were out with us.
He said he's sick of me mothering him and criticising his behaviour.
Yes he travels, not a lot and we get a bit of help with childcare when he's away but he thinks it's his right.
I do have doubts about him as he deleted a text from his phone on one trip because he said he knows how I'd interpret it. It came up on the iPad. It was about work. He does lie 'for an easy life'.

Please explain what you mean by what it sad about how he views me in the context of what I've said as I'm deeply upset and anxious after all of this.

hedgehogsdontbite Sat 24-Oct-15 18:38:20

He sounds immature and is blaming you for his shortcomings. It also sounds like he wants out of the relationship.

pinkyredrose Sat 24-Oct-15 18:40:29

How can he blame you? I presume he wanted to be a husband and father, what did he think it was going to be like? He made his choices including the one that takes him away from home to work while you stay home raising his kids, I'd like to know exactly what hardships he thinks he's facing.

Exhausted15 Sat 24-Oct-15 18:40:58

I might add this woman didn't seem at all phased by it and carried on as normal - with a bit of hair twirling - that's me going a bit ott now. It was all from my perspective really uncomfortable but he'll just tell me I'm being paranoid and ridiculous if I even mentioned anything about him flirting. He's reined it in a bit but still lacks boundaries and I've said it upsets me but he just shouts at me so I have given up even telling him that I do love him but we also have unresolved issues to deal with.

hedgehogsdontbite Sat 24-Oct-15 18:41:22

He was talking about this website while his small children were present? shock

Exhausted15 Sat 24-Oct-15 18:42:10

Hedgehogs

I've told him he's more than welcome to leave and I won't force him to stay if he doesn't want to. His response is he can't leave the DC and he can't afford another household. sad

Exhausted15 Sat 24-Oct-15 18:42:23

No they were asleep

Exhausted15 Sat 24-Oct-15 18:43:35

Hardships are financial and me 'having a go at him all the time' ie me, he's said the only stress pretty much is me.

hedgehogsdontbite Sat 24-Oct-15 18:45:30

His response tells you everything. I'm sorry but he doesn't want to be with you. If he did his response would be that he didn't want to leave because he loves you/wants to be with you etc not because he can't afford to.

Exhausted15 Sat 24-Oct-15 18:47:20

I told him he's checked out and he says he hasn't that he's so stretched he's nothing to give as he's exhausted, he drinks ways too much which doesn't help and that he has no out let for any of it. Neither of us go out anymore and he's extremely resentful at having to give up his partying all weekend.

He says I don't appreciate anything he does.

He told me he never wanted children with me once and apologised and said he was angry. I've never forgiven him for that.

Reading this back seems like he really really hates me doesn't it.

It wasn't always like this.

Exhausted15 Sat 24-Oct-15 18:49:37

That's like a kick in the stomach hedgehogs sad

When he isn't in the throws of a tantrum he tells me he doesn't mean any of it, says things in anger because I frustrate him so much and don't see it from his point of view and yes he does want to stay for the sake of our relationship. He's hot and cold depending on whether I'm trying to address issues or not.

Snossidge Sat 24-Oct-15 18:55:25

Does he have any good points? What positives is he bringing to your life?

I'm not sure I could stand to be in a relationship with someone who hates his life and blamed me for it.

SaySomethingCool Sat 24-Oct-15 18:58:29

Never mind whether or not he wants to be with you (and I'm sorry but I agree with hedgehog that it sounds like he doesn't) - why on earth do you want to be with him?

You deserve more, to feel an important part of his life and not made to feel like an albatross around his neck!

Exhausted15 Sat 24-Oct-15 19:00:35

Yes he can be kind although I've not seen it in years, he adores the DC, I'm struggling right now and after today I feel completely side lined by it all.
He says he's trying to do his best for everyone but we are stretched financially and that is a burden he doesn't bear well.

I just feel like I've lost what we had and him behaving like in front of me to me means it's a million times worse when he's not around me so I pull away and he then pulls away and well we end up here.

He's really angry with me for not having complete faith in what he's trying to do for us (I guess he means career wise) because he says I'm supportive enough. I don't really know what else I can do on that front though.

The problem is when I try and speak to him he explodes and either drinks and falls asleep or storms out the room so I can't say anything.

I can't make an adult listen if they don't want to.

RandomMess Sat 24-Oct-15 19:04:09

You know what, life with young dc is very hard for everyone.

He needs to grow up and work with you but it sounds like he has completely checked out and doesn't actually care about you at all sad

hedgehogsdontbite Sat 24-Oct-15 19:04:19

Sorry I didn't want to cause you more pain and it's very obvious that you're hurting. But from what you say, your partner doesn't care about how much he's hurting you. It sounds like he likes to put the blame on you and is now waiting for you to say enough is enough so he can walk away guilt free because it was you who ended it, not him.

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