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I'm so on my own

(31 Posts)
ShortcutButton Sat 24-Oct-15 08:11:47

I left a very difficult maybe abusive 15 year marriage 5 years ago.

I've been a strong independent woman since then. Raising 2 DC, working FT, focused on the kids. I've had some tough times including unemployment, financial stress, anxiety and depression. But weve had fun and ive been self contained. Not had the slightest interest in another relationship/men/sex

6 months ago i started to feel differently. I realised I am only a mum. I dont have any intrests to speak of. I dont have any time alone. I dont have anyone to talk to or share things with. I dont have sex. and i feel damaged and inferior. I feel like a bit of a joke. The catalyst for this was meeting a man who for the first time in years, I wanted to spend time with. However i dont actually want a 'boyfriend', i dont want 'rescuing'

My parents have always been a great support but over the last year or so they have aged wuite dramatically. They have become very negative, critical and stressful to spend time with. They love my DC but now they struggle with them and it shows.

I feel so alone. I having been crying for 2 days, my head feels like it will explode. I don't know what to do to make this better

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sat 24-Oct-15 08:22:25

flowers for you, I'm sorry you are feeling so down. You have done a fantastic job as a mum and that's something to be immensely proud of. How old are your DCs now? Could you start getting some interests of your own, join a group for instance?

Imgivinguponyou Sat 24-Oct-15 08:25:26

I know exactly how you feel. I am three years post-15 year marriage. I have the kids and the elderly parents too.

I would love a relationship but how I would have the time to actually go out with someone I don't know. I have tried online dating and kept letting people down/cancelling etc as I simply couldn't fit everything in.

It's hard and I feel I should have moved on by now. But as time goes on I feel it gets harder in a way and I have days when I am upset like you.

I think if you have a big support network it helps eg i think if I lived in a close community with a big family and hundreds of children, I think i would fit in. As it is I am out in the sticks with very few people around. I do everything on my own.

Sorry I don't have any answers but commiserate with you.

iloverunning36 Sat 24-Oct-15 08:31:35

I've know exactly how you feel. Maybe we should set up a sisterhood. Hope you feel better this morning flowers

ShortcutButton Sat 24-Oct-15 08:44:31

I have friends. I have 'mum friends' who live local and they are great, I love them. But that is still kid focused. Even going for nights out, you still end up talking about kids/ school etc

Every thing that was me, my personality, has just shrivelled up because there is no room for it and no one is interested in it (ie me)

Froends i had before kids are dispersed and further away. And mostly i have let them drift because i havent had time or energy

Kids are 5 and 10. I cant get out to do clubs or whatever on a regular basis

Londonmummy01 Sat 24-Oct-15 08:56:01

I know how you feel op. Take away the kids and there's nothing left to me. I'm not sure where or when the real me left or how to even find her. confused I shall keep watching this thread hoping someone has the answer flowers

ShortcutButton Sat 24-Oct-15 09:07:08

How do you keep going on London? I am finding it hard to stand up. I feel used up and empty. And I feel the object of pity and ridicule. I feel so unlovable but I don't know why that is so. But i feel it is obvious to other people and people would expect me to kno im unlovable and why
I know i sound crackers btw. I feel crackers

ShortcutButton Sat 24-Oct-15 09:27:23

Threads on MN about women being distraught about their husbands having affairs/ not treating them well run to hundreds of posts of support and advice

Is there just nothing to say to a SP on their knees? Hopeless cases? Or just a triviality?

I give up

MairzyDoats Sat 24-Oct-15 09:33:53

Why do you feel like an object of ridicule and pity? All of these things you feel, have they got aa concrete source? I admire you, you've escaped a dead end marriage and raised a family on your own. I don't know that I'd have the strength to do that. It's not surprising that you now feel like you'd like someone else to help shoulder the load, or at least give you some support, but why do you feel unworthy of it? Do you have family who help you out?

Preminstreltension Sat 24-Oct-15 09:37:46

shortcut your first post was only an hour ago! Bit early to be throwing in the towel.

I am a single parent too and work ft. I know exactly what you mean about not existing. My life is just too busy for me to even have any time sitting on the sofa, just thinking, and I need that.

Interested to read other advice but first stop the doctors? You've achieved a lot and you seem to be discounting it all which sounds like depression perhaps.

Squeegle Sat 24-Oct-15 09:45:20

It is hard! I'm in a similar position, my DCs are 11 and 13, they're starting to grow up and need me less. I need to find a role for myself too, and I don't have that many out of work friends as I work ft. But I'm not that successful in my career as I have always had to be on hand for DCs etc. so am definitely feeling not that great at any of it! Have always shied away from Pta type things. It's an adjustment, and I do sympathise.

I guess it's just a case of keeping on trucking, and finding some stuff. Maybe making it a priority to go on those dates! im still finding my way too!

gingerfinn Sat 24-Oct-15 09:50:50

My heart goes out to you hon. What you're feeling is not at all trivial. Parenthood can be tough at the best of times but when you're struggling with your own identity and having to put other people first every single day, it can be the most isolating experience in the world.

My partner was/is away a lot for work and our relationship nearly fell apart several times since our DD was born two years ago. My parents live 4 hours drive away, I have mum friends/acquaintances where I live but no close friends. I've had days when I've wanted to scream at the world for not noticing me.

You are doing amazingly well raising two kids on your own and holding down a job. My mum raised me on her own and was single for many years and felt terribly isolated and 'non-persony'. I have just one child and the support of a partner, but I'm still struggling to figure out who I am. I have a job I enjoy but it's not something I'm passionate about and I'm constantly beating myself up that I didn't make braver career decisions when I was younger. It feels like everyone around me is achieving and getting recognition, but I'm just a mum with a part-time job that I took on just to get out of the house.

I don't have a solution for either of us I'm afraid. I've seen a counsellor in the past after recurrent miscarriages, it really helped to have someone to talk to who I couldn't offend or worry by telling the truth. But getting to counselling appointments when you have kids to put to bed in the evenings is sometimes impossible. It sounds like what you want is some understanding, particularly from your family, but it's not forthcoming.

Just get through today. One day at a time. Get out of the house, let the kids run themselves ragged and just sit and breathe some fresh air.

RedMapleLeaf Sat 24-Oct-15 10:25:52

It sounds to me as though you want to connect with other people. Not, as you say, that you need a man or need rescuing, but that you just want to create some relationships - with others and with yourself.

Firstly, I wouldn't beat yourself up because in recent years you've prioritised other things. That was right for then. Just because it's not right for now doesn't mean it was wrong.

Secondly, I think you need to get out there and start widening your experience. The usual - study, hobbies, read new books, physical exercise, reconnecting with friends, Meet Up etc. The problem is you won't feel like it, but when you're down you need to do things before you feel like doing them.

I agree with the advice to get outside today.

Londonmummy01 Sat 24-Oct-15 11:01:58

How do I keep going you ask shortcut? Well at the moment I keep going because I don't have much of a choice. I have to work and feed the kids but there is little satisfaction with anything. It's difficult to get out and meet people and there is no extra money and everything costs. I guess I just keep on praying for some change, I'm not sure what that is or when it will be but I try to remember that I've had bad times before and managed to come through so perhaps I will again.

RedMapleLeaf Sat 24-Oct-15 11:03:58

There is always hope. Nothing persists.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 24-Oct-15 11:21:21

People feel invisible inside relationships too, taken for granted and subsumed into the other partner's life and interests. It is hard to try and find yourself but the only way you can do it is by taking time away from everyone/everything else to find out what makes you tick.

Do your DCs spend any time with your ex? Those were the only nights I was able to go out on dates, so it was a random Tuesday or Thursday evening date, or a quick coffee at lunchtime to see if I clicked with someone. Dating doesn't have to take a lot of time and if you don't have instant babysitters there are ways around it. Finding a new DP was a priority to me as I had spent years feeling 'single' with XH as he was so uninvolved, so I made it happen.

I had recently taken up a new sport which I really enjoyed and I think that made me feel more dynamic and interesting, but tbh once I had met Mr Right I didn't have time for it any more as I wanted to spend more time with him, but it helped my confidence in the meantime and now after 3 years I am starting to feel a bit like I'm fading away so I'm looking to new interests again to try and reclaim a bit of myself!

Now my eldest DC is old enough to babysit the other 2 for a couple of hours so that I can go to a new club I have joined, DP and I go out on my one night off and he comes here and spends time with us all in between times. I know the MN 'rule' about introducing DCs to new partners is that you should wait a year or whatever, but with us it happened quite soon for the very reason I didn't have a babysitter on the night he was free so he suggested we all go out together.

So in summary, I know how you feel, but I think the only answer is, find what you want to do and make it happen. Pay a local teen to babysit for a couple of hours, use your nights off and lunchtimes to meet people and if you feel really down about it all maybe try your GP for some medication or counselling as it's a massive life change and it is no wonder sometimes we struggle with it.

thankscakebrew

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 24-Oct-15 11:26:05

Sorry that was all a bit practical. I think feeling unlovable and ridiculed shows a real lack of self esteem which may well end up attracting the wrong sort of partner, so you really need to work on that first. You do sound depressed and should definitely seek professional help for that first. Then in a couple of years your DCs will be a bit more self sufficient and you can have more time to be you.

FidgetJonesDiary Sat 24-Oct-15 11:34:22

flowers shortcutbutton I was in your position ten years ago so I can relate to your feelings. I think during the week it's a treadmill and then at the weekend you have more time to reflect on your life. This too will pass and life will get better I promise. It does sound ( like other posters have suggested) that you might be depressed so a trip to the GP might help. Please don't think of yourself as a joke as you are NOT. You sound like a competent, loving person who has coped with adversity.

It's also hard dealing with ageing parents on top of everything.

I found writing things down and writing mini goals to achieve within a set time helped. Mine were just stupid stuff like making myself chat to someone in the supermarket and engage & smile at strangers when I was out. I probably looked like a mad woman grin

Your doing well OP. You are a fragile human being like the rest of us. Be kind to yourself as you are your own worst critic flowers

ShortcutButton Sat 24-Oct-15 11:37:19

Thanks for your replies

I went out for a run it in the rain. I feel marginally better. But still pretty shitty

I do not want a partner to make me feel better. I have no intention of introducing boyfriends to my dc

ShortcutButton Sat 24-Oct-15 11:39:18

I don't want to go on anti depressants again

They juzt make me numb. But its all still there isnt it

RedMapleLeaf Sat 24-Oct-15 11:51:01

What might you try other than medication?

TheGirlFromIpanema Sat 24-Oct-15 11:51:56

If you persist with the friendships with other parents they will evolve over time as the children all grow up, I've found.

Am on my phone so I'll come back later op, but really want to echo that it does get better eventually smile

FidgetJonesDiary Sat 24-Oct-15 12:05:07

TheGirlFromIpanema yes I found that ^ I have maintained friendships with school mums but now our DC are grown up we talk about other things over a bottle of wine.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 24-Oct-15 12:07:06

I don't know the answer. I'm 3 yrs in. I've tried dating, am now utterly convinced I'm undesirable and unlovable and am now resolutely single.

Things you can do...

Swing dance lessons; join a choir; take up BMF; volunteer for a charity; look at MeetUp for groups in your area; local fb groups that organise stuff... all those are very sociable activities.

What would you like to do if you could?

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 24-Oct-15 12:11:39

I think it's probably a good idea to do 'stuff' before trying dating so that you have things to share/talk about.

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