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(24 Posts)
Oldname Fri 23-Oct-15 20:47:02

I'm just seeking some advice on whether I'm normal in thinking this way.
Every relationship I've been in has involved the bf cheating, I don't think this makes me hold back in future relationships - I always find myself jumping in and giving too much of myself.
Current on/off bf is quite openly flirtatious and has a lot of female friends. On a few occasions I've mentioned things that bother me about this and he's not taken it well, saying he's done snogging wrong and resents not being trusted.
My question is around my suspicious nature, for example ive noticed the same female liking all his photos with just him in ( Facebook is like hell for me) and I automatically assume they must be up to something. I'm holding back from asking him who she is because I'm trying to change my insecure nature.
I suppose my question is, is it normal to be suspicious?

Oldname Fri 23-Oct-15 20:47:22

Or how can I not let this bother me so much...

wonderingsoul Fri 23-Oct-15 21:00:03

Why is he on and off? That in itself would breed a uncertain feeling so I don't think your wrong to feel uneasy.

Also how flirty are we talking... is it obvious flirting or could you be misterperating it as flirty?

If it's the former.. I'm afraid the only way to deal with it is leave him, if he's flirting.. its not on.

I know it's easy for me to say as I am not a jelouse person naturally but if some one is going to cheat they will cheat whether you worry about it or not, so why stress yourself?

Though I don't think your problem is your feelings. It's him.

Oldname Fri 23-Oct-15 21:11:07

Thanks wondering, I think you've hit the nail on the head.
The flirting is ott and very obvious - kisses on all his posts, he's very openly affectionate to female friends even on the rare occasions that I'm there.
We've split up so many times, usually when I've brought something up that made me unhappy - he takes that very badly and it escalated into us breaking up. He's dated during these breaks, usually online dating within hours.
I know what I should do but, pathetically, it's so perfect when we're alone together and he promises the world - for some reason I find him impossible to walk away from.

ILiveAtTheBeach Fri 23-Oct-15 21:11:37

It's totally normal for you to feel this way, if you've been cheated on. My general rule of thumb would be - if he leaves his mobile lying about and unlocked you're fine - if it's hidden from you or you don't know the passcode you're in trouble

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 23-Oct-15 21:14:37

He may promise you everything but he doesn't mean it, and he will keep hurting you for as long as you allow it.

I hope you can find the strength to end this sooner rather than later.

It will hurt horribly at first but you will feel so proud of yourself. Stand firm. He knows he's hurting you and he doesn't give a shit. Don't let him continue to treat you so poorly and with such a lack of respect.

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 23-Oct-15 21:15:53

And as for being perfect and lovely when you're alone - it sounds like he's very good at being 'wonderful' and flirty and seductive, and you aren't the only woman he has that effect on, whether he's actually shagging anyone else or not.

wonderingsoul Fri 23-Oct-15 21:25:05

flowers I think you all ready know what you should do, it's not you, it's him. You will allways be wondering if he's up to something the minute he's not with you.

I hope you find the strength to leave his sorry ass sooner then later. Why waste yourself on him when some one you can trust and doesn't make you feel like shit may be round the corner.

Oldname Fri 23-Oct-15 21:32:20

I wish I knew that someone else would come along. I'm a single parent and never go anywhere.
I've gone as much as two months before but as soon as he gets back in touch I go running back.
His phone doesn't enter my house when he's here, I don't know the passcode.
This has been going on for over a year.

Lacoba66 Fri 23-Oct-15 21:50:14

Copper I have been in a similar place to where you are.

It's a very powerful drug, when someone (sporadically) shows you huge amounts of affection, but ultimately and for the long term, ask yourself what does he actually bring to your life? I mean in a truly positive way?

I'm working on my self esteem, for letting in the person who damaged me even further and from what you have wrote about your partner, that is what is happening to you.

If he was 'just' a flirty person, but you expressed your concerns and he cared enough, he would attempt to rein it in- he doesn't care beyond his need for validation from others as to how 'wonderful' he is! Cut him loose is my advice.

wonderingsoul Fri 23-Oct-15 22:01:04

I was a single mum to 2 lovely but lively boys for almost 7 years before I met my now partner.

Don't keep the fear of not meeting some one keep you trapped.

Saying that. I completely get how hard it is to break free. I get the loneliness and how amazing it feels when some one does validate you as a woman. It's like a drug isn't it?

Oldname Fri 23-Oct-15 22:01:49

I am aware that my self esteem is pretty low - I have a lot of issues from being a teenager onwards. I went for counselling but wasn't getting anywhere. The only time I feel worthwhile is in his presence.
He won't do a single thing to reassure me, if anything I accept less and less every time we get back together.
I just need to know how I can feel better about myself and stop going back to him.

Oldname Fri 23-Oct-15 22:21:57

Wondering, that's what I imagine it's like. I thought I was so strong and independent but have let him treat me however he likes - and still do.
I think about him ALL te time, analyse why he's said and done everything.
He can't be that good an actor, he must mean the lovely things he says - what sort of person would do this on purpose??

Lacoba66 Fri 23-Oct-15 22:27:24

I became a single mum when my lad was 13 years old & spent 5 years alone, but still ended up in a toxic relationship. DS dad is fab and was not abusive and we still speak, but like you Copper I still accepted the shit treatment from my more recent relationship, because of the shit I had learnt growing up.

I now realise that I am worth more & so are YOU! Find yourself another counsellor, if the last one didn't help. I have one and he challenges me all the time!

People like your partner (horrid fuckers) will always prey on your insecurities, for their own benefit.

Remember that you are a fabulous mother to your child. flowers

Lacoba66 Fri 23-Oct-15 22:33:54

Ditto Copper!

Do you think he is putting the same energy in to your life as you do? I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but 'they' don't.

The one thing that is my current mantra is "words are nice, but deeds are true love".

wonderingsoul Fri 23-Oct-15 22:36:09

How about taking back some control?
Even just small steps.. like when he asks to see you. . Say no your busy and do something you want to do.

It may help boost your confidence slowly, enough so you can tell him to fuck off completely.

You can be that independent and strong woman.

A twat will say what ever you want to hear, hell he could even belive himself he means it when he says it but when out of sight he doesn't. If he did he would show you with his actions, but he doesn't.

You are obviously strong enough to self reflect and see you have self esteem issues so you are strong enough to start taking care of you. If you can't cut him off completely I would really suggest you work on loving you, re train in a job you want. Start doing a hobby... basically fill your life with things that make you happy and proud off yourself.

Oldname Fri 23-Oct-15 22:41:11

My father was a horrible man - as a teenager he would ask my friends why on earth they hung around with me, I can't remember one occasion where he said my actual name - in my whole life - always a derogatory nickname. I know this must be at the root of my self esteem being so low.
Doesn't help my right now. I am so so desperate to break away but the longer this goes on, the lower I feel, the more I want him.

wonderingsoul Fri 23-Oct-15 22:46:51

Oh copper what a pick of a "man" "farther" you had. That is truly debolical.

If I could I would give you a big hug.

Can I ask if you still speak with this man, I don't want to use the word dad because he was nothing of the sort.

Oldname Fri 23-Oct-15 22:49:47

He's dead wondering - ten years now. I'm supposed to be nice about him because he's dead but he was horrible to me and I don't know why. It's only since having my own children that I realise the way he was wasn't normal.

Lacoba66 Fri 23-Oct-15 22:57:21

Copper I said 'ditto' in a previous post, but hadn't realised just how similar we actually are!

I want to hug you too smile.

My father (now dead) told me that I should have been "aborted". I remember it, but the power of the words are far less for me now as he was a sad man.

Please don't let your life be ruled by someone that had a very sad view on what's acceptable- actually the fact that you are here questioning it is a massive start!

pocketsaviour Fri 23-Oct-15 22:58:55

Fuck that. No reason for all that "don't speak ill of the dead" crap - if they were twats when they were alive, they don't miraculously become an angel by dying.

Have you ever looked into getting counselling? I think it could really help you build your confidence and stop getting into relationships where you are not getting back what you put in.

Oldname Fri 23-Oct-15 23:01:01

Thanks Lacoba. I'm sorry you've had the same experience.

Lacoba66 Fri 23-Oct-15 23:14:51

Similar Copper-but not the same. I disenfranchised my dad at the age of 16 - he died when I was 34. My mum stayed with him till the end, but she has been made aware of my thoughts on her 'inaction'.

You can't change what was, but you can decide what will be (mistakes and all).

Please give yourself some space to decide what avenue you want to go down.

Give yourself 2 weeks no contact - think about how you then feel. Give yourself another 2 weeks e.t.c

GrammarTool Fri 23-Oct-15 23:15:13

Copperbuzz you should check out There are some very, very wise insights on this blog into why some men act the way they do, as well as some thoughts about recovery. It's really helped me, anyway flowers

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