Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Please help... How to not want to have a baby yet?!(24 Posts)
So after breaking up from a 8 year relationship that gave me my wonderful son (3.5yrs old) it was a shock that just one week later I met my new parter... It was just right and I know he is my soul mate. We've been together just over 18months and I am desperate to carry on my family with him. My son had a few jealousy issues with him when I first introduced them and if I'm honest he had the same with me son... So their relationship was strained to start with but my partner had never been around children before he was awkward and felt uncomfortable. Now they play together and all is rosy... Except the fact when I brought up the topic of having another baby he shuts it down. Now in a few years time I'm going to be 30 I don't want to run out of time to have a baby. He feels it's more important to have our own home whereas I'd happily rent forever and have a family... He likes his expensive things and is worried they will suffer if he has a baby (and most probably would if I'm honest) but I'm so broody... My implant runs out in 9 months and I don't want to go on anything else after... Sorry for the essay but has anyone dealt with this? Can you offer me advice on how to shut my feelings off a bit until he is ready? Alternatively can anyone help me find some way to reason with him? He does want children with me our issue is agreeing on when. Thanks x
I'll actually go the other way and suggest you compromise as well.
It's a few years until you are 30. You won't be old then or enter the menopause. Many women are mothers past 30.
But... I'd be sure he does want children at some point and he's not fobbing you off and that he can be a good parent.
I would agree with him regarding buying in the long term rather than renting, but if he likes expensive things how will he save for a deposit?
Beware and don't become financial dependent on him.
Sorry it doesn't sound like he is ready at all and the more you pressure him, the more he is going to pull away from the idea. It all sounds a bit immature anyway to be honest. I would give it time and see where your relationship leads as you haven't been together very long at all.
Just drop the subject, enjoy each other's company and see where it goes. Focus on your son and enjoy the stages he is at for the mean time. I fear that your new man is saying what he thinks you want to hear, but may not actually want children with you. It's up to you if you want to continue the relationship or not.
I think the thing that worries me about waiting past 30 is because I've had miscarriages in the past and know they are more common when you're older. I have fertility issues in my family although I don't think it's genetic it's rotten luck but still makes me hesitant to wait. He knows about these and just says we'll know when we try. It's got to the stage where I dream regularly about having a baby and I find it distressing. I try to hide it from him as I don't want to overwhelm him but he does notice and then he feels guilty. Which just makes me feel bad because he beats himself up that he's upsetting me :/ if that makes sense. Which is why I know he does want a child... He's sat and told me there's no rush he 100% does want me to carry his child. But he's looking more at 5 years away... I feel I'm going insane already.
However while I do work my wage is nothing special. It's not likely to improve much either. If we were to buy a house it would mean being financially dependent because I could never afford a mortgage alone. However I provide for my house and my son perfectly well without any help... I could afford another alone too it would be a struggle but it's doable. However I don't need to afford it alone as we would be a family then and share the financial side of things equally. (Unless we buy)
in a few years time I'm going to be 30
How many years is 'a few'? Your ovaries aren't going to shut up shop on your 30th and you've got a least another 10 years before you need to start thinking about your biological clock ticking down.
If you are renting privately you may have very little, if any, security of tenure and while you say you'll 'happily rent forever' to have more dc now, I doubt you'll be so happy if you were to get notice to quit because the landlord wants to sell shortly before you're due to give birth - as has happened to an OP on another board.
Rent is money that could be spent on repaying a mortgage and, all things being equal, owning your own home means you will have some financial provision for your later years and money to pass down to your dc.
Before you think about having another dc I suggest you give consideration to marrying your 'soulmate'. 2016 is a leap year and, if he hasn't popped the question by Feb 29, I suggest you ask him and make sure you're wed before you think about ttc when he is ready to father his own dc.
You're still young, so you just need to wait until it's the right time for everyone.
30 is not the point in your life when you need to start worrying about your biological clock, either!
Are you even living together yet?
You seem to be putting the cart waaaaay before the horse for somebody who is still comfortably in her 20's.
Have you discussed finances? Do you share finances? Do you intend to? Is he still in his 20's too?
Look, he shouldn't be feeling guilty cos he doesn't want to be a parent on the same timescale as you. Thats not fair. Not when you've a decade or more of fertility left.
Its also worrying that you're basically saying "I don't want to have a mortgage with him". And that you're already weighing up being a single parent again. Don't you see that you're waving loads of red flags?
If I were his mate, I'd be warning him, tbh. I'd be warning him that all you want is a baby and he's going to find himself with one before too long whether he likes it or not.
Not really sure why it sounds immature. That's your opinion though. In regards to us not being together long at all I agree but also don't. 8 years was a long time to be with someone and I never felt like we were ready for a child together despite having one. I feel like we have been together a lot longer than the 8 years I was with my ex. It's just right. I'm certain I am under no illusion that he's just telling me what I want to hear. It's something that we've discussed with both of our families it's not just behind closed doors. It's not me that has brought it up on those occasions either. My reason for the post is because I want some type of coping mechanism for my feelings. I don't want to pressure or overwhelm him this is the point thank you
I agree with your partner. Concentrate on getting yourself financially secure. Buy a house. Maximise your own career/earning potential. Get married. Talk about your expectations about having a baby (who will be the primary carer, how you will arrange your finances etc). These are all stress points in relationships and you have plenty of time to get everything prepared to give you the best chance of success in your relationship when you do have a baby.
One thing is that you sound like you have quite different financial outlooks. Does that ever cause problems?
18 months isn't a long time given the circumstances.
With his job he works away so isn't always home but otherwise yes he lives with me. Yes we share some financial responsibilities however I pay rent and the main bills because after me and my ex split and before my new partner moved in I had to do it alone and like knowing i can depend on myself. Although it may read as I'm already setting myself up to having a baby and breaking up that really isn't the case. I was responding to the comment about becoming financially dependent on him.
Regarding getting married first this isn't a must these days and it's not for everyone some do think it's just a piece of paper. I know people who have been together almost 40 years yet aren't married.
Also you might understand the concern of being 30 more when you know 2 of my family went into menopause in their early 30's and one at just before she turned 40.
Sorry my replies are pretty out of sync but I can't see replies whilst typing mine until I've posted x
This is the first thing that's caused an issue in our relationship. I know he will win because he is the sensible one... I just wish I had a way to not become so depressed over it.
If you're really worried, get your ovarian reserve checked out. At least then you'll know what you're dealing with. Cos you're just scaring yourself silly based on other people.
Marriage gives you and your children financial and legal status and protection in case of illness, death or the relationship breaking down. If you're not bothered about getting married before having children then at least educate yourself to what to put in place instead.
Spend a bit of time reading mumsnet and you'll see the dire situations some people find themselves in because they didn't do that.
Thank you for that idea annarose that's the sort of advice I think I need. Going to look into having mine checked. If the results are better than I fear then that could potentially mean so much more to me... I dropped out of university before and then my son was born and I wanted to be with him but now he's just going to start school and if I had some sort of assurance I'd be ok going back into education it wouldn't be out of the question for me then. Meaning a whole different job prospect. Thankyou again.
You could probably get referred just on family history alone. Def ask your GP to do it and don't get fobbed off because you're young. Insist.
I can understand how you feel. Once I have an idea in my head, I won't let it go. I'm like a dog with a bone. However if my dh didn't want kids yet then we weren't ready as a couple. I felt like I waited ages for him to agree but if you push him you may be at risk of pushing him away completely and then you are really back to square one and could be even longer.
Try and enjoy life and your time with him and no doubt he will soon change his mind. For some men it's a huge change to their life that they are very anxious about!
What did you do at uni? Is it something you would go back to? If not and you just want to retrain look at where there's a need. What area do you work in just now? Look at educational opportunities in work if any.
Also look at open uni/online courses. Can do them whilst still working. Added security.
If you are prepared to put the work in then the world is your oyster as they say.
Definitely go to your gp. Explain how it's playing on your mind etc.
This is the important bit so I'm going to write in capitals HE'S NOT SAID NO CHILDREN EVER. Take some comfort from that. Now figure out what else you want from life.
I get the independence thing btw. All the house bills come off my bank account. So I know they are paid. (OH has an aversion to direct debits and it freaks me out if bills aren't paid on time grrr).
Sorry if I came over all practical like. It's my default setting it seems! for you. It's awful when an thought gets stuck in your head and you can't shift it!
Watching with interest as I'm kind of in the same boat. Me and DH are 32 and our son is 20 months old and I'm constantly dreaming about having a second.
My DH is in no rush whatsoever to have a 2nd as he'd be happy with just DS so I'm finding things a bit difficult.
I need him to come round to my way of thinking without me forcing it but I don't know how
I think when you meet someone you fall head over heels for, this sort of reaction is fairly normal. It's how the human race procreates, after all. As long as you don't get yourself deliberately pregnant against his wishes in the meantime, you can ride this out and it will pass. You may still want a child and have anxiety issues about your fertility, but it won't be quite as visceral a feeling as this.
Keep your sensible head on and keep talking about it. Get your fertility checked so you know what you've got to play with. You'll find a solution eventually.
That pull to have a baby is so strong. I do totally understand and sympathise.
HOWEVER. I think getting your fertility checked out is a bit ridiculous. Your partner is not ready to have a baby. If it turns out you have a problem (which is highly unlikely considering that you have conceived before and are in your 20s) what will you do - tell your partner you have to start trying NOW?! I also think that you are ultimately going to make your partner think that you want different things if you keep this up. It's really not fair on him to keep being upset and emotionally blackmailing him about this.
It's also really unfair to your existing DC to have another baby when you've only just brought this new person into his life. It rings alarm bells with me that he was 'jealous' of your son at first. How's this man child going to cope with you being totally devoted to your own child and a baby? Is his relationship with your son now strong enough to deal with not treating his own child any differently from your child? I think you need to take a step back and have a very big word with yourself about all this and then shift your focus for at least 2 years.
Hi all thanks for the nice replies I received in this
Firstly I've spoken to my sister whose told me the idea of having my ovarian reserve checked is silly. She told me it would be very expensive... Kinda thought it probably would be.
I still think it's entirely possible I may not fall pregnant again. This too is after seeing it with family. I guess I'm just a very paranoid person I always think worse case scenario it's a bad habit of mine.
Just like to say I know it reads like I'm hounding him but I'm not I've mentioned it a few times. He's seen me upset a few times and asked why but that was surrounding the anniversary of my loss so I think that is understandable. That's the time he's felt bad.
I am not in this relationship purely for babies. Even if it sounds that way things come across a lot different however well you try to word them. Yes that's the end result I want him to be the father to my future babies and he already plays a brilliant role in my sons life. (Just to add my sons daddy is still very much involved with him)
Also in reply to the comment about my partner being jealous of my son initially. For months he had just me and never saw my son, having never been around many children even ones in his family... He was awkward and didn't know how to join in with us when we were playing if I took a break to sit down and have a cuddle my little boy would scream until I moved away from him and I did as my son comes first and he had to be comfortable first. He'd never seen this because me and his dad stayed well clear of each other. I think that has to be hard on someone and I understood him feeling pushed out. I spoke to him about it and we resolved it easily he didn't see it from my sons pov at first but once he did the jealously stopped. So no alarm bells from that for me... Now my son happily snuggles in between us both for cuddles too lol.
There's more to life than breeding you know. Why not focus on making yourself financially secure, so that IF you have more kids then you can still provide for yourself during mat leave, provide for your kids etc without having to 'rely' on him. If your relationship breaks down the only thing you will get is maintenance for any children you've had with him - and that could be as little as a fiver a week if he decides to be an arse about it.
i also don't like the idea of a woman having to be forced to partake in an outdated patriarchal system in order to 'protect' herself and her children in the event of a relationship breakdown - but if you want security then it's either that or start accruing your own money/savings to help you through any such eventuality.
Unfortunately, if we woman want to have our cake and eat it then - unless we already have enough money of our own - we either play the patriarchal game to protect our rights or we get something drawn up that is legally binding, such as a 'co-habiting' agreement or such (which most people don't do because it just isn't 'romantic' plus they're seeing things through rose tinted glasses). Or we make sure we have enough saved or earn enough to never have to NEED to rely on a man for money.
In response to the last message. I am quite secure in my finances anyway. My job pays maternity pay which is supplemented by government maternity pay so I still earn practically the same wage whilst on maternity. I know this from when I had my son. I don't pretend to had an amazing job but it's reliable and I've been there for many years.
Also I have talked about if my relationship was to break down which I don't think will happen but previously after replying to someone asking how I'd cope without his finances should this happen I got told I was planning on my relationship not working out which is rubbish. But I could survive. It wouldn't always be ideal but would be manageable. My boyfriend isn't being relied on for his wage I rely on him for his heart. He fixed me when I was broken after a long and hard relationship. I've got what I posted for now. I knew when I posted I think I wouldn't get a miracle I just have to enjoy him and my son for now. When he's ready I just have to act fast before he chanes his mind lol.
Ps someone posted about me not tricking him into it. I would never do that, a woman has the ability to abort a baby when she doesn't want it even if the man is desperate. A man doesn't have that option and so I would never create a situation where he wished he could make such a choice. Thank-you for your replies
"a 'co-habiting' agreement or such (which most people don't do because it just isn't 'romantic' plus they're seeing things through rose tinted glasses"
I was under the impression they had no legal validity.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.