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Not sure who is the twat, but I think it's over.

(63 Posts)
MrsButtonMoon Thu 22-Oct-15 18:44:22

I've read this board, a lot.

So I know you will all either be able to give me the kick up the arse I need or tell me I'm in the wrong. I don't even know where to start on this. Sorry if it's a ramble.

I think DH and I are about to split. We haven't spoken in two days.

This latest argument is over our daughter who is 2. She is also under the portage team and speech and language for suspected autism. She has croup, and has been quite unwell for a few days. I haven't been too well myself, I have caught some kind of bug and am having a rough pregnancy.

We were all upstairs in the bedroom, dd had gone suddenly very hyper (I found out later that actually the medicine I had just given her has a tendency to make some children hyper). She started hitting me in the face. I told her firmly no, but she carried on. She then hit my arm (I'd had the flu jab earlier, it killed like a bitch) I lost my temper, ended up tapping her hand very gently and saying no again (she found it funny) and asked DH to help me out, I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind to calmly handle her and i was feeling terrible for tapping her hand, though it didn't hurt her, she just laughed.

DH then started ranting about how I'd made a rod for my own back, it was my fault for spoiling her, now he'd try it his way.

He picked her up and slammed her down on the bed. Twice. She just thought he was playing but I could see her was actually trying to hurt/scare her.

I was fucking furious. Grabbed dd and said what the hell did he think he was doing! The doctor at the hospital (she'd had to have steroids the day before) said to try not to let her get upset or cry, it could make her breathing worse.

He laughed. In my face.

I called him a cunt ( yes terrible I know) and took dd downstairs. That was the last time we spoke. We have just been passing by in the house ignoring one another.

The problem I have is this, there have been many problems in our relationship before. But he always says I cause them, I think we both cause them. He says I gaslight him, that I always twist his words. If you were to ask him what happened that night it would sound completely different. It always does.

A really big problem for us has been drink. A few months ago I got so desperate I gave him an ultimatum (I know, I know you shouldn't do it. I just didn't know what else to do!). That it was the drink or us.

He stopped drinking, but I've felt the resentment just building up so much. There are literally waves of it coming off him. I knew the ultimatum was a mistake but I just couldn't go back to living how I did before.

Some of you may remember me from a few months back. Mine was the DH that got drunk and verbally very abusive pretty much every weekend. He accused me of giving his sisters bf a bj in a toilet Christmas Day when I was six months pregnant. He got completely wasted and ranted at me, refusing to help carry dd upstairs two days after my csection. He called me a slut and a slag after finding beer cans (his) in the bedroom.

But again I don't know who is in the right. He says I'm lazy, which is kind of true. He does the washing. I do the cooking and pretty much all the looking after of dd. but I'm not overly stressed or in a rush to pick up toys etc. He isn't exactly tidy at all.

He is always sick when I am. I had postnatal depression, he said he had it too. But if I say anything he says it's the opposite, that it's me who pretends.

I just don't know my arse from my elbow anymore. Either I'm the biggest bitch on the planet and if only I'd stop everything would be ok or we are both twats who just shouldn't be together.

I'm sorry. This isn't very articulate is it. I'm just feeling quite emotional.

I really thought everything would be ok after he stopped drinking.

I've been trying, I swear to God I have. To be extra nice, to try to spend time talking to him. I might get a brief conversation if I'm lucky before he disappears on a computer/play station.

But every time I do try to talk to him he gets a dig in or will say something horrible. When I tell him he's upset he tells me it was just a joke tole he was being sarcastic and I just don't 'get' his humour.

And then we just end up back at the beginning because I think why the hell should I keep trying this?! There is no intimacy left, by that I mean we don't hold hands, cuddle on the sofa, kiss etc. except very rarely when I try to instigate it. I stopped doing that because he would want to move the second I tried to cuddle him.

It's fucked isn't it? We used to be best friends before we got together. I just don't understand what happened.

So am I a just a stupid arse or a stupid arse who's in the wrong?

ImperialBlether Thu 22-Oct-15 18:48:39

You're not in the wrong. I would've been digging a special spot for him under the patio long ago.

On a practical level, you won't miss him if he goes, but can you afford to live without him?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 22-Oct-15 18:51:08

The drink was making him a more obvious twat, but he was always a twat, and you should have left a long, long time ago.

If you don't value yourself enough to leave, surely you can see that this is totally unacceptable for your daughter? He tried to hurt her, twice, and he's still in the house.

SuckingEggs Thu 22-Oct-15 18:52:05

Would you be relieved at the thought of never living with him again? If yes, you have your answer.

Sparkletastic Thu 22-Oct-15 18:53:04

It sounds like it is over and there's no point worrying about who is to blame. You will be happier apart I suspect and DD is young enough to adjust.

MrsButtonMoon Thu 22-Oct-15 18:56:18

Imperial I can't honestly say it has never crossed my mind...

Financially I don't know, I think I'd be ok, I have a very supportive family.

Coincidentally another bone of contention between us. He thinks I'm too close to my family and his get pushed out.

From my point of view my family make the effort to come see us and dd, they arrange visits and invite us for lunch/parties etc.

Apart from his dm none of his family do, but my gosh don't they moan about it. His sister sent him a long Facebook rant about how I made her feel unwelcome (I was having a shower after arriving back from a particularly difficult miscarriage) apparently I wasn't a gracious enough host.

Oh well. His sister and Dad will be happy when we split up at least.

MrsButtonMoon Thu 22-Oct-15 19:00:37

Anchor I have had a physically abusive relationship in the past.

When I started to be friends with DH he was like a knight in shining armour, so totally different to what I was used to. Kind, charming and so nice to me.

Yes I know I should have left when even one if those things happened. I so nearly have so many times but I've been a coward. Just burying my head and waiting for it to get back to how it was.

I have terrible self esteem. I've been told I'm quite attractive but I just can't see it at all. After DH I'll probably be single for the rest of my life.

Actually, that probably wouldn't be a bad thing.

MrsButtonMoon Thu 22-Oct-15 19:01:24

Sucking eggs I'm not sure.

If I think about it part of me feels relief and part complete terror.

theredlion Thu 22-Oct-15 19:07:39

He has a violent temper and a drink problem that he takes out on you whether he is drunk or sober.

He was aggressive with a poorly 2 year old.

It sounds to me like his anger is escalating.

Stop wondering who is in the right and make a plan to keep your child(ren) and you safe. And quickly.

WhoseBadgerIsThis Thu 22-Oct-15 19:08:46

Er, I'd be leaving him for being physically abusive to your daughter. He tells you you're gaslighting him because that's what he's doing to you. Get rid, you're worth more!

MrsButtonMoon Thu 22-Oct-15 19:15:12

He swears he doesn't have a drink problem. That it's all me being controlling and a kill joy.

He's never laid a finger on dd before.

I know once is enough. But I just know he'll tell me I'm massively overreacting.

I do doubt myself. He didn't actually hurt her, she laughed and found it funny.

But I know he was trying to scare her, punish her.

I just don't want to get turned around on myself again. So sick of doubting my own mind.

whatlifestylechoice Thu 22-Oct-15 19:15:56

He tried to hurt a two-year-old? He's a cunt. Get rid of him.

WhoseBadgerIsThis Thu 22-Oct-15 19:20:48

Who cares what he says - you know what he did, and you know it's wrong. He will escalate. next time he will hurt her

Hobbes8 Thu 22-Oct-15 19:21:06

are you pregnant? These things often escalate in pregnancy.

WhoseBadgerIsThis Thu 22-Oct-15 19:21:38

PS, when you leave him, I bet you'll start doubting yourself less! Have some supporting hugs too!

Hobbes8 Thu 22-Oct-15 19:22:01

"These things" meaning violent abusive men who are cunts to this partners and tiny children. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Jeffreythegiraffe Thu 22-Oct-15 19:24:33

He tried to hurt your child! Please leave before it gets worse.

Maryz Thu 22-Oct-15 19:24:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsButtonMoon Thu 22-Oct-15 19:25:19

Yes I'm 13 1/2 weeks.

The drunken verbal abuse did actually start and then crank up when I was pregnant with dd.

I've never actually put those two things together before, but it started when I was six months.

Thank you, I know I sound like a fucking simpering idiot. I never used to be like this.

KurriKurri Thu 22-Oct-15 19:26:34

It sounds like a desperately unhappy situation for you. Do you honestly think it is ever going to get better and he will change? - If the answer is no, then get out, don't live like this any longer you can do so much better and have a much nicer life for you and your children, - either with another nice person or on your own. On your own is OK - it really is, and it really is better than being abused.

The way he treated your little girl was inexcusable - and one thing is certain - having been so rough towards her and tried to hurt her this once - the next time it will be easier for him and he will go further.

Kitsmummy Thu 22-Oct-15 19:26:37

Leave him. Seriously.

Maryz Thu 22-Oct-15 19:27:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz Thu 22-Oct-15 19:29:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsButtonMoon Thu 22-Oct-15 19:29:26

Maryz that article describes it all exactly.

The anger and vile name calling only ever showed up when he was drunk. Now it's like his favourite pet dog has passed away every single day.

The way he looks at me has completely changed. It's like the sneer a sulking teenage boy would give you.

Kitsmummy Thu 22-Oct-15 19:30:25

Ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you would hope to see your dd in when she is older? No? Then it's not good enough for you either

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