Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Where is Fabphee(55 Posts)
I often think about her (Ive name changed since her threads were started) and Im wondering how she's doing.
Does anyone know?
Phee, if you are reading this can you let us know how life is for you and the wee ones.
AS shows no posts by anyone called that..
That was what we called her a days into her heartbreak. She posted as OpheliaRose. I didn't think it was necessary to mention it as anyone who posted on her threads at the time would have known who I meant.
I hope your sore face it better soon.
I wonder about her too. Her threads started getting a bit arsey though with troll hunting and infighting over who was supporting her best. I wouldn't be surprised if she found it all a bit unhelpful in the end and went elsewhere.
Or maybe she had received the support she needed from here and now feels able to manage without it. Most troubled posters who achieve resolution (of a sort) from the wonderful help on MN drift away once they feel able, but it's always good when they pop back to tell us about the new happiness (very often) they have found.
I often think about her too. Don't expect her to read this but and anyway.
Yes, I remember that Reggae. It was the uglier side of MN.
Wideboy - Ive always hoped she stopped posting because she felt able to. She had great real life support. Some posters are very hard to forget and she is one of them. Ive been thinking about her today, as I do frequently, and on the back of another thread today I decided to go against my grain and ask after her.
Was only thinking about her yesterday
She did make an impression eh?
And I hope she's as well as well can be all things considered.
Face wasn't sore, thanks for asking, just confused. Thanks for the explanation.
She updated a few weeks ago, can't remember exactly when. She was back at work and was being very brave, but things still sounded very emotionally difficult with her ex.
I wonder how the twins' birthday went.
Same here, I searched for her name the other day to see if she posted recently. I never posted on her threads but they made a huge impact on me. I actually had a nightmare (contributed to by pregnancy hormones no doubt) after reading her posts on the first day. That night I dreamed that Phee's OW worked at my workplace and that I had sent a very nasty email to her telling her exactly what I thought of her and Phee's DH. And I was about to be disciplined/fired for it. I woke up still fuming (and a bit nervous that I may actually have emailed my colleague and called her a homewrecking bitch!)
So having subconsciously joined Team FabPhee from the first day, I've always had a vested interest in hoping that she's ok.
I hope she's ok but I do wonder if she felt that her threads became too intense.
Lots of posters seemed to become very invested in her threads. Far more than I've usually seen. People coming in every day just to 'check in' and lots of posts asking her to come back if she'd been away for a while, requesting she PM someone to say she was ok if she didn't feel like coming back to the thread.
I know people were being nice but I found it a bit much on occasions and slightly odd at times to be honest. So maybe she felt that way, that there were lots of strangers on the Internet thinking about her every day and thinking they 'knew her' and waiting for the next post
I'd feel that was 'too much' so maybe she did too.
Yes laughing, I remember all of that.
I never felt that I knew her.
I have a daughter the same age as her who'd also faced heartbreak, as I have, and Phee is someone I think about.
It can be as simple as that.
OP - and I think that's why lots of people became so invested in her story. Because it resonated with them and they related it to their own experiences.
But the threads became quite intense. As a PP mentioned, there was fighting about which posters were supporting her the most etc.
Her threads captured people's interest and she became for want of a better word 'a MN relationship celebrity'. Yours isn't the first thread asking where/how she is.
I posted my opinion because maybe that's how Phee felt?. That the threads were too intense and people were too invested?.
I don't know but I know when I was involved in her threads I did find it a little unhealthy that certain posters seemed to be so invested in her story. Posters who made saying hi on her threads part of their daily routine, said they couldn't sleep because thinking of her etc.
It did get a bit weird - even if people had the best of intentions. We are all strangers on the Internet. I don't think Phee was a troll at all but who knows who anyone is on an anonymous site?. That's why I'm always wary about getting over - invested in the anonymous postings of a stranger.
i do find it odd when people get so involved in a story and Phee may have felt a lot of pressure to keep engaging when she found some of the posts a bit much?. If she was ready to move on she could have told posters she wouldn't come back to the threads given she knew how many people were thinking of her. She chose not to do that.
Who knows?. I was just saying that's how the later threads made me feel and they weren't even about me so I would understand if that's why she disappeared and didn't give posters the conclusion they wanted.
I do hope she's ok.
I think the last time I posted on her thread was to say Im sure if she needed to post she would so perhaps just let it go.
For a few weeks now there has been another thread running, its meant Ive had Phee 'the poster' on my mind. I decided to ask how she was but now Im not sure I should have.
I recall the allegations on another thread and reported them. It was clearly a case of mistaken identity and another poster getting two people confused.
Anyway, I'm off now. And to be honest Im not sure how to take your posts.
I feel as if Ive done something wrong.
I haven't seen Phee's posts. I don't think you've done anything wrong, San, just be concerned and show compassion for another person
Sometimes Relationships threads can get into a pattern of intensity which is a bit of a red flag for those of us who have been around these boards for a while. When things go off board, for me, is my line in the sand now. Often it's not that posters questioning are claiming that the entire story is a lie (though, there have been cases where this has happened) - sometimes it can be that a story is partly true or even mostly true but the poster is feeding off the drama and sympathy of others and hence posting isn't actually helping them move forwards because it's allowing them to keep wallowing in the drama caused by the fact that so many people are waiting for updates. It's not that they don't need or deserve sympathy, but that others get caught up in something that ends up taking away from their own lives. That's why MNHQ has the wording in their warning about "not giving more, financially or emotionally, than you can afford to spare". It's good advice. If you're getting too invested or involved in a thread, it's okay to step back. There are enough pairs of fresh eyes and posters on this board to fill in the spaces. If you're not getting too invested but feel okay to continue supporting, then fine. It might have been that posters were concerned some supporters WERE beginning to give more of themselves than they could spare, if that makes sense.
As said, I haven't seen the posts in question, so I don't know what happened there or what the motivation might have been to be questioned. I just saw that you were feeling wrongfooted and I wanted to say, don't. It's never wrong to care about someone enough to ask after them, and I hope the poster in question is okay too.
Agree with Bertie. Please don't think it's wrong to care about a poster and wonder how they are.
I was suggesting that maybe all the over- investment on her threads is why Phee left and didn't come back?. Or it might be nothing to do with it.
But I do get concerned as Bertie says when there are lots of PMs being spoken of and people saying that the OP in question is causing them to lose sleep or thinking of the OP/ posting on the threads has become part of their routine and therefore part of their day to day life.
People on the threads were so concerned and upset when Phee appeared to disappear. I think some posters felt she at least owed an explanation or gave some sort of 'closure'.
That's not healthy when we're talking about strangers on the Internet. None of us should be so invested that it provokes that response - even if it is with the best of intentions.
I saw this earlier as I still read the board a lot. I would have replied earlier but I've been at work, been sorting the twins and also needed some time to compose a reply.
Sansoora Thank you so much for remembering me and caring how I am doing. I really appreciate the thoughts. Please don't feel you've done anything wrong.
I think I better address the speculation about why I haven't been back. Honestly most days I think about posting an update thread but seem to stumble on the words. The intensity of posters caring about me and checking in wasn't a big issue to me, honestly during my darkest moments when I could barely face the people in my every day real life it was the only comfort I could find in the most heart breaking situation I could have imagined. As one poster has mentioned some other posters made some accusations against me and in the mind frame I was in I couldn't handle the idea that people would think that of me so I became afraid to post updates or what I was feeling in case I was analysed by troll hunters or again saw hurtful comments about myself plaster all other other threads. So in that respect it became too intense so me and as I was barely coping in my real every day life I decided I needed to step away for a while just to make myself mentally healthy again. I couldn't take the onslaught from exH and then here.
For those that have asked in this thread the twins birthday was very hard. Mainly because it broke my heart we were no longer that happy family but also because exH made it hard for me with his attitude and complete lack of respect for me not just "moving on" but on the day I threw a wonderful party and the twins will have lots of photos of laughing fun times and a happy mum so that is all that matters.
I'm still very fragile mentally. Every day i feel like I've got stronger and then suddenly i'll remember something or someone will say something and I get set off and the glass wall thats my confidence and happiness shatters again. I find myself trying to scrabble around to sweep up all the "broken glass" and start again.
Work has been a blessing and a curse. Its very very hard working, even part time, and managing the twins. I cannot explain the respect I have for mums that manage to work full time, be mums and do everything else they do with their sanity in tact. Its been a very humbling experience for me and actually has caused me to re examine myself a bit and recognise some things about myself / the way i previously though that make me mildly ashamed. As i said its also been a blessing it allows me to escape the misery and gloom of home and to rebuild friendships/ confidence. I've started to make some really good friends and can almost hold conversation again with out thinking "god what must they think of me!!" Its a slow process but its making me a stronger person.
Obviously what many of you will be keen to know about is Ex H. He took OW away for her birthday last month and proposed. Stupidly I had unblocked him on facebook, I know it was a mistake, and I saw all the posts about the amazing time they were having both from him and ones she tagged him in followed by her post on the engagement. I wont give all the details for fear of being "outed" but immediately after seeing the posts I was sick. He informed me they were planning to buy a place ready for Christmas so they can spend their first Christmas together as a family. As far as I know from what my brother has told me they should be in mid December. He's told me that the twins will have their own rooms if they want or if they prefer to share there will be a playroom.
He is introducing OW next weekend. Its his weekend so OW and her son will "meet" up with them for some trick or treating. I think OW is having a halloween party so he plans to take the twins so its casual. I don;t think I can quite describe how I feel about it right now. i've know for a few weeks yet The idea still makes me what to cry, scream, be sick and punch a wall but they are is children too so he can apparently do what he likes with them on his time.
Thank you again for all your kind words and thoughts. It means more than i can ever express some days
Thank you for the update phee. I've been reading your threads for a long time now. I'm so sorry your exh is still being a prize cunt. You always amaze me with your strength and dignity. I don't have anything much to add but I wanted you to know I think about you lots.m
It's good to hear from you. It sounds like you're being incredibly brave under very difficult circumstances.
I wonder if anyone has pointed out to your ex that it's not technically possible to be engaged to someone new whilst you're still married.
Phee, hello Thank you for nipping in and telling us how you are.
Im sorry things are still so hard for you and I wish there was something we could do or say to help you feel better but the truth is there's isn't. Its all just so bloody horrible that words would fail most people.
Like Olivia I also think about you often and I think a big part of it is because you articulate your thoughts and feelings the way you do. Your grief is palpable, no one could fail to be touched by it.
Im away for the weekend as of tomorrow so Im not ignoring any more additions to your thread. I'll pop back in on Saturday but for now I just want to say - thank you for your update and here's to happier days for you soon.
I've also wondered how you were phee
Please except these , your update sounds so so tough.....and they are engaged even though you have not divorced yet?!
You are still fab phee we are all still routing for you and your beautiful DT's.
Its so lovely to have you all still remembering me and supporting me
Apparently it doesn't matter to them we're not divorced. They are madly in love and intend to marry as soon as they can after the divorce comes through. I think its his way of showing everyone that it was worth it and he doesn't care about what people say or think.
Oh Phee, I am sending love and strength to you.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.