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Found a text on his phone....

(485 Posts)
Redwhine Thu 22-Oct-15 06:09:31

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

BeeMyBaby Thu 22-Oct-15 06:12:35

Just because he didn't kiss her doesn't mean he hasn't crossed a line. No advice other than you are completely justified in your feelings.

Arfarfanarf Thu 22-Oct-15 06:13:55

No. It's horrible to find this out.

Does that message seem to you like one you would send after a 'almost' kiss?

Fuckitfay Thu 22-Oct-15 06:14:25

You poor poor thing. You're not overreacting. The closure message indicates a high degree of emotional involvement so don't buy the "I haven't done anything" shit. Tell him to stop making thing WORSE with his denial. As he knows you know I'd personally ring her or at least threaten to and hold onto his phone. If he's not keen on that guess why not. He will lie and deny for sometime. Much strength to you.

Redwhine Thu 22-Oct-15 06:17:05

He's her manager. She is 15 years younger than him. It's so seedy and horrible. I'm imagining everyone in his department knows or is gossiping and I feel so humiliated. I was at home looking after his kids whilst he was getting pissed with some girl.... I would never ever have thought he would do this to me.

Can anyone advise me? What should I say to him? Do you think there's more to this than he's admitting?

Redwhine Thu 22-Oct-15 06:19:19

He took his phone back. I just handed it over stupidly.

I want to believe him. The message sounds like there was more to it.

I had a miscarriage last month. I know this is stupid but I keep wondering if he would still have done it if I hadn't lost the baby .

GrimpenMire Thu 22-Oct-15 06:24:32

She would not have sent that after just 'nearly a kiss'. I would send her a text as if from him that would extract more information from her. I would also be checking his pockets/car for further evidence condoms
Not a popular attitude among some MNetters I know but in your shoes I would have to know as much as I could before I made a big decision that could affect my life to such a degree.

Arfarfanarf Thu 22-Oct-15 06:25:32

I don't know. But I don't know many people who need confirmation that they will get back to normal, that they must not almost-but-not-quite kiss again and beg for 'closure' because they went for a stroll and nearly kissed someone.
Do you? Does that seem logical or a reasonable reaction to nearly kissing someone? Because it seems a disproportionately dramatic reaction.

He may be telling the truth in which case he has flirted with and romances a girl half his age who he is in a position of authority over. Or he has done more but is hoping you will believe he has only done this.
Ime they admit to only what you can prove.
I think obviously a long discussion is in order and take it from there.

Hissy Thu 22-Oct-15 06:27:03

I don't buy the "almost" kissed.

What was it that "must never happen again?" If course they kissed.

What time were the texts sent? Had he seen them before he went to bed?

Wrt the miscarriage, please please please don't ever think that this is in any way your fault or even relevant.

He kissed her because he wanted do and had the opportunity to.

What do you want to do? What would make you feel a bit better?

Redwhine Thu 22-Oct-15 06:30:41

I want to scream and shout and cry but I can't. I don't want to upset the children. I also wish I'd kept his fucking phone.

The texts were sent at about half one, shortly before he made it home. He hadn't replied.

I suppose I should try to get the phone back but he probably won't hand it over and I can't bear to have a tussle over it in front of them .

LumpySpacedPrincess Thu 22-Oct-15 06:31:15

I've never met a man in a situation like this that hadn't minimised what actually happened.

OliviaBenson Thu 22-Oct-15 06:39:03

If he won't hand the phone over it tells you that he's got something to hide. Can you both talk it out today (if kids are at school/nursery). So sorry op- I think there is more to it.

RedMapleLeaf Thu 22-Oct-15 06:45:13

This is an awful shock. You don't have to make any decisions today. I also think you can ask a lot of your husband. If he won't let you see his phone (calmly and immediately) then you can act on that information.

Axekick Thu 22-Oct-15 06:49:55

Oh OP, I am so sorry.

If I were you I would ask him outright for the phone. If he refuses to hand it over ask why it's a problem since you have seen it.

Tbh, wtf was a manager thinking of going off with a girl who works for him in the first place? Why did they go off alone? Sounds a bit planned to me, they went off alone knowing something would happen. They knew they shouldn't but did anyway. I very much doubt there is this much angst from her over an almost kiss. Something more happened and his lying about it makes it so much worse.

Tbh I have fancied people I have worked with in a distant past. I would never have gone off alone with them at a work do.

ShizeItsWeegie Thu 22-Oct-15 06:51:21

The text and the fact that he won't let you look at his phone would be the end for me OP. It's crap. Let her have him.

marzipanmaggie Thu 22-Oct-15 06:54:03

The "almost kissed" thing isn't totally implausible to be honest... its possible to have a high level of emotional investment without anything having actually happened.... he may well have had a pang of conscience after he knew he'd crossed a line.

But its sort of irrelevant whether it was almost a kiss, a kiss or went further.

Bottom line is there is some degree of emotional attachment between your H and this girl which may or may not have crossed over into being sexual. And its a betrayal of you and your family.

You do need to get tough on him, I'm afraid. What are you planning to do?

loveyoutothemoon Thu 22-Oct-15 06:57:42

Where was the works night? You said it was odd that he came back at two. I'm sorry but I agree with the others, she wouldn't have sent that if they'd had just nearly kissed.

I agree. Nobody, in the history of all time, has stayed out till 2am and merely "nearly kissed".

A lot more happened.

Further, she isn't happy: she's anxious and trying to get assurance something (whatever it was) won't happen again. It doesn't speak to me of a silly OW trying to land another woman's hubby; it sounds like what your DH did was at very least coercive.

Don't get me wrong: her happiness isn't your responsibility, of course. But if this also ends up with your H getting in a sexual harassment disciplinary at work, this is going to impact on you and the DCs more than " just" divorce.

It seems like too much to take in, but it may also free your mind. He's not some loving guy who just had a silly moment, but a full-on sexual predator. How could that be "your fault"?!? (I sm saddened beyond words that you think it's anything to do with the miscarriage, and suspect he's also done a number on your head).

Unfortunately, you confronted him before you had all the evidence: he was able to lie more effectively, and now will be covering his tracks. If you think everybody at wotk knows, is there anybody you trust enough to talk to? Do you feel brave enough to ring her?

Axekick Thu 22-Oct-15 07:03:58

I think it is implausible. She needs closure?

You almost kiss someone and stop. That is closure. It's mistake, won't happen again etc.

Personally I think she was trying to prompt him to contact her last night. I don't think she thinks it's a mistake. I think she was hoping to get a reaction from him after he had gone home last night.

I am so sorry OP. You have enough to deal with at the moment. I hope he starts being honest.

Fugghetaboutit Thu 22-Oct-15 07:04:48

I think a lot more happened for that message to come through. No one sends that over an almost kiss.

Lying arsehole. Once he's awake you press him until he tells you the truth.

VocationalGoat Thu 22-Oct-15 07:07:09

Don't worry about giving back his phone, OP. You know all you need to know.
I feel sick for you. And please don't put this on yourself having a miscarriage. Your DH undoubtedly crossed a line and betrayed you. Now you need to talk about it with him but when the dust settles. Not immediately. This means you need time to think.
Don't leave the house. But can your mum or a sibling or good friend spend today with you? You shouldn't be alone today.

RedMapleLeaf Thu 22-Oct-15 07:19:07

Even if it's a case of they almost kissed hmm there's still a significant emotional involvement here. Too much drama and intrigue with another person for my liking.

This might not be the end of your relationship but I think he needs a short, sharp shock to realise how serious this is, and that your relationship can't be trifled with like this.

I mean, out having his little soap opera whilst you're at home holding the baby??

marzipanmaggie Thu 22-Oct-15 07:21:11

To me it doesn't sound as if your H was coercive -- I don't think someone who had been on the receiving end of sexual harrassment would text the perpetrator asking for "closure"... they would just go running to HR.

Someone who wants "closure" wants to know if its on or off and why.

It sounds to me as if what happened -- whatever it is -- is mutual.

Helmetbymidnight Thu 22-Oct-15 07:24:23

I'm sorry; the lateness, the fact they were alone together, his agitation and the VERY emotional texts does NOT indicate this was an almost kiss but much more....

I'm afraid I would tell him if he's not honest with you then it's over.

something2say Thu 22-Oct-15 07:30:20

I think they must have been flirting, knowing it couldn't go anywhere. But then they got drunk, pushed the line on a work jolly and now she feels guilty.

Did I read you right...she is HIS manager? Not the other way around?

I also think that he feels very guilty.....as well he should....and has it been going on long? So sorry about your mc also, and that has nothing to do with his behavior in sure, other than possibly a bit of escapism from the grief.

The onus is all on him now. His behaviour today.

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