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Separating but it is not mutual and have an 8 year old

(41 Posts)
Lilfroggi1 Wed 21-Oct-15 22:10:15

My husband has moved out and I'm struggling to cope as I am still in shock I think and also I can't quite think straight I'm worried about my daughter and trying to keep my emotions in check. He said he hadn't been happy for months I just thought we were in a bit of a rough patch. He has moved in to his mums and is now wanting our daughter to stay but I don't think she is ready at all as she is very quiet and hasn't asked many questions about it and the worst thing is he told her he was leaving when I had popped out so I don't know what he said to her and she has started acting out in school nothing major at the moment but I am worried any advice or just support would be greatly appreciated

cozietoesie Wed 21-Oct-15 22:17:38

How have things been between you over the past while?

sillymummy11 Wed 21-Oct-15 22:21:42

so sorry OP flowers. How long ago did he move out?

HaveToWearHeels Wed 21-Oct-15 22:26:44

Lilfroggi so sorry to read this, I wrote almost the same words 7 weeks ago sad. I have a 6 year old DD. The best bit of advise I can give you is be honest with her. Let her know she can talk to you and make sure the school are aware of the situation. My husband refused to tell DD so I had to do it, we both cried buckets but at least she knew she wasn't along in her sadness. She has know for about 4 weeks now and the crying at bedtime has all but ceased.
Our dog died back in March and although DH said he would look into getting a puppy he never did (all makes sense now) so we got a kitten two weeks ago, DD now is very focused on the kitten and I am teaching her how to care for her. DH would never let her have a cat.
Just reassure your DD that YOU will always be there for her no matter what !

Lilfroggi1 Wed 21-Oct-15 22:53:46

He moved out a week ago and it is up and down. We had a good chat on Sunday I want to try to sort things out and he wasn't sure but I agreed to let him have more time I had decided to try and get on with things and start living my life and enjoying our daughter but it is easier said than done. I have mentioned to school as I wanted to make sure they were aware but he doesn't want anyone to know and I don't know if he has told her not to say anything as she hasn't spoken to my mum at all who she is close with. We just got a puppy a week before he left I was angry as it it was his promise that she could have one on her 8 th birthday. I'm just worried she has hardly cried and doesn't talk or mention it. Thank you for all your comments it's nice to know I'm not alone in this situation x

Lilfroggi1 Wed 21-Oct-15 23:09:02

He left a week ago, we had a good chat on the Sunday he doesn't know if he wants to try and sort it out but I do so I did say id give him more time we had agreed with things to do with our daughter I don't want to force her to do something that she is not comfortable with as this has come as a shock for her as he told her on the Tuesday night and left then after she went to bed. I decided that I needed to start getting on with things but I'm finding my emotions get in the way . My daughter has hardly cried and won't ask questions I have told her teacher but I'm not sure if my husband has told her not to say anything as she hasn't told my mum at all and they are close. He wants hurt to stay with him which I don't mind but she doesn't like staying any where. It doesn't help that a week before he left we got a puppy as he had promised her that when she was 8 she could have one I wish he had said before as it is an added stress . I love my daughter with all my heart I just worry as she doesn't say anything sorry if this is all over the place it's a bit like my emotions thank you for the support it help as I have told a couple of friends and mum knows but it is nice to have objective comments not just from concern xx

HaveToWearHeels Wed 21-Oct-15 23:10:25

stay strong OP, your husband I being a selfish arse. Sounds just like my H, he didn't think the school needed to know either ! Talk to your daughter and make sure she knows she can talk to anyone about this.

Hillfarmer Wed 21-Oct-15 23:10:41

Don't let him dictate who you can and cannot tell! This information belongs to you and is yours to share with friends and family as you see fit. You need support. How are you supposed to get that if you keep his stupid secret for him. How dare he tell you to keep quiet when he has done this? What does it mean when you said "I agreed to let him have more time" - time for what?

Sorry that this is happening to you OP. Time to find some anger here.

Have to wear heels has good advice for you re: DD. As before, don't allow him to dictate what you do or don't say. You are the parent your DD can rely on, so you be the one to explain to her properly what is going on - don't trust him to get it right. You can reassure her, let her know she can talk about it when she's ready and whenever she likes. You are the grown-up here.

Lilfroggi1 Wed 21-Oct-15 23:33:37

Thank you I will make sure she knows she can tell anyone and I know she knows I love her but I think she is worried about upsetting me I might be wrong. I agreed for him to have more time to think about things . I feel he didn't do much with her before but since we have split he is making more of an effort now but that could be because I am having to do all the Day to day things I can't be as fun and I worry she will think I'm boring and always have to have the rules

Lilfroggi1 Wed 21-Oct-15 23:37:21

Hill farmer I do feel I have had no control over any of this he wanted it then he told our daughter while I wasn't there and left me to pick up the pieces I had to tell school it doesn't help that I feel I'm at breaking point ?? but I want and need to be strong for my daughter

Hillfarmer Thu 22-Oct-15 00:29:27

So sorry OP. This is awful and the main thing is, this is still very new for you, very early days. All I can say is keep breathing and you will get through the days.

You need to agree some basic rules with the DP. With your daughter, you need to agree with him, what the script is explaining your split so that you and her dad are consistent. That is the least he can do. He may go off- message later, but you need to tell him he can't start explaining stuff to her without letting you know in advance. You need to agree it. You tell him you don't want to be picking up the pieces and that you both have to put your daughter first. That means agreeing what you can say to her (i.e. that you both don't start flinging blame around).

Try to take a little control back. Tell people and get RL support. Tell him you want stability for your daughter so he has to agree times to see her. Maybe sleepovers at his mum's are not appropriate for now. And make sure you do drop-offs and handovers on the doorstep or somewhere away from home. The less he is in your home the better. And see a family solicitor - not at all frightening and it will make you feel more in command - knowledge is power.

Plan for him to get nasty as well. He sounds quite ruthless already. Don't cry in front of him, don't plead with him. Tell him what you will or won't do. Dignified civility is worth loads. Cry later. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset. That will help you feel in control. If needs be, have a neighbour or friend with you when you see him or for handovers.

Lilfroggi1 Thu 22-Oct-15 22:58:43

Thank you for your advice my daughter has spoken about it a little this evening not much but it is a start I just keep trying to breathe and calm myself down I've had a better day I have felt more normal and in control thanks for your help

Lilfroggi1 Thu 29-Oct-15 12:26:48

Have to wear heels how are things with you at the moment? I'm having up and down days just wish I knew how to act around him and how to control my feelings

lighteningirl Thu 29-Oct-15 12:35:49

Please don't let him be in control of this you can your dd can and should be able to tell anyone and everyone if you so choose. The best thing about this situation is you no longer have to do what he says do what feels right for you. Personally I would let him take dd overnight to his mums she needs to see her df and it probably won't be fun for any of them but it will mean their relationship carries on. I know it's early days for you but please be aware that there may well be another woman and I would just say to him (and his mother) that you are not interested in whether there is it isn't OW but it is not time for any contact if there is.

Duckdeamon Thu 29-Oct-15 12:42:16

I think it's important to encourage him to see your DD, his mum's sounds Ok for that.

He doesn't get to decide who knows he has done this.

He also doesn't get to string you along. OW or not he has shaken your relationship and YOU too have options.

Duckdeamon Thu 29-Oct-15 12:45:42

Would also prioritise ensuring that he continues to pay bills etc, doesn'tempty your accounts and generally investigating financial stuff, in case he's a dick about it.

Jan45 Thu 29-Oct-15 16:17:11

Your daughter will pick up on your unhappiness so slap that smile on during the day and you can save your emotions for later when she is in bed. If you show her you are ok and are getting on with life and her dad will still see her then she will come through it fine, plenty others do.

Also, I wouldn't let him have a free pass to come back when he feels like it, you need closure, there's usually always OW in the background too of course, you need to move on with your life, without him, he's shown you his worth.

Lilfroggi1 Thu 29-Oct-15 17:10:57

Thanks all I'm just not having a great day he said there is no one else I'm just starting to think about money and things so far he is still paying for things but I don't know when that will stop also we are in a council house so I don't know where I stand as it is a joint tenancy. I did go to citizens advice but as he hasn't said he is not coming back they couldn't help me to find out what help I could get financially if any.

Jan45 Thu 29-Oct-15 17:18:26

If I was you I would assume he is not coming back and get on with your life and your finances.

You can date him no, let him prove to you, don't just open the door wide without even changing anything.

He didn't even have the guts to sit down with you and your daughter and explain he was leaving, he waited until you went out, nice.

No idea why you are living in limbo with a man who has done FA to show you that he actually cares and wants the same, I'd also question what he was doing now that he is a `free man`.

Duckdeamon Thu 29-Oct-15 17:23:55

You do need to investigate the housing, legal and financial position asap, and it's safest to assume he won't return. You can get a lot of info online.

Is he seeking to see DD at times that would actually be good for her and would give you a break? Or is he swanning around with no responsibilities (mum cooking and washing for him? Out with "friends" or OW?) while you feel like this and have DD to care for?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 29-Oct-15 17:31:41

Sometimes I despair of Citizens Advice. He may not have said he isn't coming back but nor has he said he is and, in the interim, you'll be left high and dry financially if he stops paying the bills.

Your council tenancy is secure but it would be advisable to have his name removed as he can return whenever he wants until such time as the tenancy is in your sole name or you are in possession of a court order to keep him out. Having the tenancy in your sole name is no bar to you allowing him to return and, should you decide he can do so, you'll be required to tell whatever agencies you are receiving benefits from of your change in circumstances.

There's a link somewhere on this board/site to the benefits you're entitled to claim - I'll try to find it. Are you working, does child benefit for dd go into your account, and has he given you money by way of child maintenance and/or support for yourself?

Lilfroggi1 Thu 29-Oct-15 22:16:57

Thanks all as far as I know he hasn't been going out only once I know of as our daughter wanted to ring him and we couldn't get hold of him so we rang the house and spoke with his mum. He goes surfing a lot especially this week as where he works he has most of the hols off. I work 3 1/2 days but the hours are more than part time so I'm not sure how much actual help I would get. Part of me thinks he wants me to say he has to go and that is why he doesn't want to tell anyone so the blame as he say can be mine or that it will be a joint split so it won't be his fault! He promised my daughter a puppy for her birthday which we had and a week later he leaves and then today me and my daughter went to have some fun but obviously we had to get back so she got cross and then he text saying he was going to take her for the day tomorrow to have fun I'm pleased he is doing things with her but I'm concerned that he will start to wane as he didn't do loads with her but is doing things he has never done with her before, I don't mind if she stays I'm just concerned they will push her she has never been one for staying the night with anyone not even grandmas. I'm meant to go out on Saturday with friends we had been planning it for a while keep thinking I'll cancel but then I'm not getting on with my life if I do . Thanks for all the advice I think I will get in touch with the council and maybe contact my solicitor so it is all documented

Duckdeamon Fri 30-Oct-15 09:16:46

So you're left with a puppy he only just bought (knowing he planned to leave you) as well as full time care of your DC while he goes surfing and uses his holiday time to do this. Selfish arsehole.

Suggest you consider a schedule for him to care for HIS DC (and the dog he wanted) for part of the time during the week.

Lilfroggi1 Mon 02-Nov-15 23:51:27

Thanks for all the help I have started the process of finding out what benefits I can maybe claim and how I can get him off the house but the council were really helpful and the housing association were too they have someone who can help me with which benefits I might be able to get so at least I'm starting to do something I'm still absolutely gutted and my emotions are all over the place but I have a beautiful daughter who needs me I just wanted to say thanks for all the advice and put where I have had some help Incase someone else is in the same position I will let you know how I get on. I know it's all small steps but I hope I can get my emotions in check I also went to the doctor to have a chat she was good she has referred me for counciling and said if I feel I need something to calm me I can speak to them anytime

HaveToWearHeels Wed 04-Nov-15 19:29:25

Hi Lilfroggi sorry for not responding sooner. Glad you are getting some practical help, I found that "knowing" I would be OK financially made things a bit easier as it was one less thing to lay awake thinking about.
I am doing OK, good days out weigh the bad. Each time I see or speak to him he reiterates what a selfish arsehole he really is. He is now in his own house and DD stayed for the first time last Thursday. We still are pretty relaxed about what days he has her, but that will change next week when I start my new job. We will have set days so that I can arrange stuff around the days I have her, as at the moment I have to tell him what I am doing as I have to ask him to have her, but I know nothing about what he is doing which doesn't seem fair. I think he is in for a shock !

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