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How can you make it work again when as a couple you have been to hell and back?

(10 Posts)
Sage44 Wed 21-Oct-15 20:59:21

Looking for help and wise words.
Married 13 years 2 DC and we started married life very happily but have basically had an awful last 6 years. Very very bad times together, I feel betrayed and let down by him and I have in return responded badly to him.

However we have decided to try and work things out and stay together. But it's hard, he is still not the easiest man but a lot better than he was. I just don't know if I am too damaged from it all to be happy with him. But I want to make it work. Sex life is non existant and Imwant to change that but feel it's too big a step.

Has anyone been in this situation and got their marriage back on track again? If so how?
Many thanks,

janaus Wed 21-Oct-15 22:59:38

Similar situation here, terrible last 5 years, stuff going on. Day to day stuff we are fine, take nice holiday, have great time, but personal time, I have shut myself off so I don't get hurt. Then I found out about recent fling, and he blames me. We don't want to separate, 4 weeks in spare bedroom. Don't know how it's ever going to work.
I wish you all the best and hope things get back to normal. Also following for advice.

Goodbetterbest Wed 21-Oct-15 23:25:47

I think you both have to really, really want it and both be prepared to work really fucking hard at it.

I couldn't do it. 5 years after the heartbreak I ended it. He just wasn't sorry enough (at all actually) and didn't modify his behaviour.

Saying that my SIL got back with BIL after 7 years. Once he sorted himself out he never stopped trying. It got to the point where she had to make a decision to let him back or let him go forever. They are absolutely right together and although he had an affair and made everything go spectacularly tits up, he constantly and consistently worked hard at putting it right. For years.

Sage44 Thu 22-Oct-15 22:59:56

Thank you both for replying.
Hope things improve for you janaus.

Drew64 Fri 23-Oct-15 11:40:19

We went through this several years ago and are now as happy as we ever were.
I shocked, confused, upset, disrespected my DW (no OW btw) I thought that was it and I would have deserved it for what I did to my DW but, in retrospect, we still loved each other dearly.
We went to counselling both as a couple and individually, we took everything on board and worked hard at it.
They key was, we BOTH wanted to save our marriage.

So yes, you can make it work. It will be emotional, it will be hard work, it will require dedication and you will both have to want it to work.

Good luck

QuiteLikely5 Fri 23-Oct-15 11:42:37

You can move forward if you have truly put the past to bed. If you have not or can't but really want it to work then counselling is your only option because if you cannot resolve the issues they will keep re appearing.

youngman23 Fri 23-Oct-15 15:50:59

Me and my long term partner are trying again at the moment, things seem to be going well, we both want it to work, the way she acts around me now is just amazing and fills me with hope

PoundingTheStreets Fri 23-Oct-15 22:11:46

I think once you feel betrayed by someone, it's unusual to be able to get back the trust to a level where things really work. It can happen, but the only times I've seen it work are where there has been a huge effort on both sides to rebuild trust and then - randomly - something has happened where that trust has been tested and found to be up to the challenge.

The trouble with trust is that once it's been lost, the doubt is always there and it takes something big to show it can be relied on. That can take years - even though it only takes a heartbeat to destroy it.

Have you had a complete clearing of the air where you've both been able to say how you feel about the other's behaviour, validate each other's feelings, and plan strategies for coping with that in the future? Or are you drawing a line and trying to start again from that point?

ILiveAtTheBeach Fri 23-Oct-15 22:24:57

Just leave him! This sounds just awful. I ended a 20 year relationship with my ExH and I've never looked back. I am now remarried with a gorgeous, lovely thoughtful man. 7 years with him and I'm so in love. Just leave!!!

Sage44 Sat 24-Oct-15 21:40:18

Many thanks for sharing your stories.

We have cleared the air many times, only for there to be another situation that brings the past back( no OW by the way) and my feelings of resentement come flooding back.
So true what you say Pounding.

But, we do both want to make it work so thats a good place for us to start.

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